


Waltzing Matilda

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Marauders' Era, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-01-18
Updated: 2009-06-25
Packaged: 2019-01-19 21:17:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 44,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12418338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: When the nerdy Hufflepuff Matilda asked Lily Evans for some help and guidence in a certain...area of study, the redhead was more than surprised. But in sympathy for the poor girl, Lily agreed to help. Somehow. Now Sirius Black thinks she's got the hots for him, James Potter is struggling with patience, and her best friend Penny isn't making things ...





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

**Note :** I do not use "Waltzing Matilda" in reference to backpacking across Australia. I mean waltzing as the graceful dance, and Matilda is a character. Read the story and you'll understand.

 

“You’ve been staring at him for the last five minutes.”

Lily jerked her head around to look blankly at her best friend. Penny raised an eyebrow. Lily blinked and turned to the lesson books piled on the table in front of her.

“I wasn’t looking at _him._ I was daydreaming into the fire.”

Penny glanced over. Lily’s excuse was plausible, for he _was_ sitting near the hearth, playing chess with Remus Lupin. But she didn’t believe it.

She looked back to her friend, who was innocently writing her essay for Transfiguration. “We’re not getting any younger, you know. Just ask him out.”

Lily mentally sighed. Peninah Gaye MacTavish had always been annoyingly blunt. The word could describe her friend in generally every aspect. Her comments were blunt, her actions were blunt, and even her sharp angular appearance hit you hard, like a blunt instrument. Her nose was aristocratically straight, and her black hair was much the same, cut in one length that reached the middle of her back. One didn’t often see black hair on a Scot, but somehow it fit Penny.

Lily had never told Penny, but she secretly thought that her friend was fearless.

“I don’t _want_ to ask him out,” she answered, still writing. She didn’t look up for the sole reason of not wanting to meet the intense gaze she knew was fixed on her. “You, of all people, should know that by now.”

“He hasn’t asked you out or bothered you for months, Lily. Hell, now that I think about it, he hasn’t bothered you since the end of last year. That’s eight, nearly nine, months.”

Lily _had_ realized his lack of attention, long ago, and still couldn’t decide how she felt about it. “Good, maybe he’s finally admitted defeat,” she replied absently.

“‘Defeated’ and ‘James Potter’ should never ever be used in the same sentence. Unless, of course, James is the one doing the defeating, which is much more likely.”

Lily snorted noncommittally and, while scolding herself, peeked once more across the Gryffindor Common Room at the boy. Actually, she corrected herself, peeked at the _man._

For James Potter was no longer a scrawny, shy little first year, who would gaze at her with sloppy puppy love in his eyes. Now at nearly eighteen, he was a few inches taller than six foot, weighed probably twice as much as he had when he was eleven, and had a lean, well-toned body.

Lily had never seen proof, but there were rumors that some girls had created shrines in honor of James Potter, and would worship him every full moon.

Suddenly, while Lily was “peeking” at him, James’s hazel eyes flashed up to meet hers. She gasped and spun around to see Penny grin.

“Gosh, you two are _vastly_ entertaining.”

Lily glared at her and turned back to her essay. She didn’t look toward the fire the rest of the evening.

____________________________________

At breakfast the next morning Lily was biting into a piece of toast that was covered with shiny orange pumpkin jam when she heard an overexcited yet bashful voice behind her say, “Hi, Lily.”

Mentally sighing, Lily finished chewing what was in her mouth as she turned around. Behind her was a sixth year Hufflepuff girl named Matilda. The girl had her hands clasped in front of her eagerly, an enthusiastic, toothy smile splitting her chubby face.

Matilda was the only soul in all of Hogwarts Castle that didn’t know she was a geek. She didn’t have any very close friends, but she didn’t seem to mind. Lily had always thought Matilda was nice, and always felt bad when other students made fun of the girl. And being Head Girl, a position that was supposed to have quite a bit of influence among the other students, Lily made it a point to be pleasant with the girl. It really wasn’t all that difficult, because Matilda was really very friendly. Just a bit timid. 

“ ‘Ello, Matilda. How are you?”

Matilda looked flustered. Her cheeks went pink. “Oh, I’m fine, just fine, thank you.”

She didn’t say anything more, just kept staring at her idol. Finally Lily asked in a bright voice, “Is there something I can do for you, Matilda?”

“Oh, well, I don’t—that is, I don’t want to burden you. I mean, you’re so wonderful, and responsible, and kind, and beautiful, and wonderful—and I really need some help, and I know you’re the best one to go to for help, but I really don’t want to bother you overmuch—and it’s really not a big deal, I mean—“

“Matilda,” Lily broke in, “I understand; it’s really no problem. What do you need help with? Homework? Do you not understand something in one of your classes? Is it Arithmancy again?”

“No, no, it’s not Arithmancy. You were a big help with that, I understand it so much better now—“

“What do you need help with, then?”

Matilda became self-conscious. She glanced at the people breakfasting around Lily before leaning close to whisper, “It’s not really anything I’d like to discuss in public.”

That unnerved Lily quite a bit, but she could see how much her help would mean to Matilda, so she didn’t refuse her. Plus it probably wasn’t all that bad; this was _Matilda_ they were talking about.

“All right. How about we find ourselves an empty spot at lunch, and then you can tell me what’s bothering you. All right?” Lily smiled.

__________________________________

“At least you won’t get killed.”

This comment came from Penny as she and Lily set up their workspace in their first class of the morning. Lily gave her a puzzled look.

Penny explained, “When she snaps and starts using Unforgivables on everyone in Hogwarts. You’ll be spared because she likes you and you never did her wrong.”

Lily set her textbook on the table with a loud smack. Looking unamused, she snapped, “Shut up. That will never happen. Ever.” She resumed arranging her supplies in front of her, giving a small shudder. “Don’t even say it.”

“That’s what everyone thought at Podski’s Academy for Young Magicians. But look what happened there. They still haven’t found this one guy’s nose.”

“If you’re so worried, you should start thinking about preparing yourself as well. It wouldn’t hurt you to smile at her when you walk by.”

“And maybe I’ll join the Peace Corps and become a UN Ambassador and take in twenty stray pups.”

“Penny, you do know that it takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, don’t you?”

“I have to burn calories somehow. Not all of us can be radiant redheads.”

“Trust me, having red hair definitely does _not_ mean one is radiant.”

“What do you think she wants to talk about?” Penny asked, getting back on topic. Hearing the telltale laughter and knowing that the Marauders would cross the threshold into the classroom any minute, she watched to see Lily’s reaction.

Lily heard the laughter, too, however, and forced herself to keep her eyes on her textbook as she idly flipped the pages until she’d come to the page the class had left off on last lesson. “I have no idea. She said it wasn’t homework, so it’s not that…”

Disappointed with her friend’s show of interest or lack thereof, Penny began flipping through her textbook also. “Maybe she needs some personal advice, like a new hairstyle or something. What page is it?”

“Nine hundred twenty-three. Speaking of new hair styles…”

“No.”

“I really think—“

“No.”

“Just a little—“

“No. It’s long, it’s straight, and it’s black. It’s always been that way, and it will always be that way.” She saw Lily open her mouth. “No.”

Lily huffed out the breath just as the professor walked into the room.

_______________________________________

At lunch, Lily spotted Matilda right away. She was sitting at the very front of the Hufflepuff table, completely alone, wringing her hands as she watched the entrance to the Great Hall. She saw Lily enter and waved to her.

“I’ll be with the Queer Quartet.” Penny headed toward the four Marauders. Lily snorted and waved back to Matilda.

“So,” she began a few minutes later after she and Matilda had exchanged greetings and filled their plates. “What do you need?”

“Sirius Black,” Matilda burst.

Lily swallowed convulsively and wasn’t prepared. She started choking on her bite of bread. She coughed hoarsely, making a loud, rasping, horrible sound, unable to swallow and unable to regurgitate. She stood, shoulders hunched, and clutched at her throat. Matilda flapped her hands in useless panic, crying, “I’ve killed her! I’ve killed her!”

Students began to notice and soon teachers rushed from the high table to help. Dumbledore acted first, swishing his wand in what looked like a complicated pentagon.

Lily felt the offending morsel vanish completely. She gasped in fresh oxygen and felt the blood return to her limbs. A sudden rush of lightheadedness made her sit down quickly on the floor.

Matilda was crying. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Lily, I didn’t mean to.”

Penny knelt on one side of Lily and James Potter knelt on the other. “Are you all right?” Penny asked, touching her friend’s shoulder.

Lily nodded. “I’ll be okay.” Her voice came out as a croak. “She caught me by surprise.”

Penny’s raised her eyebrows. “Is it what she needs?”

Lily nodded again. Penny whistled. “Must be a hell of a shocker.”

“What are you two talking about?” James demanded, making Lily notice him for the first time.

“Nothing,” she said quickly, trying to convince herself she wasn’t suddenly flustered. “I’m fine now, really.” She sent Penny a look. The brunette pulled James away.

Lily nodded agreeably when Professor McGonagall ordered her to visit Madam Pomfrey sometime today so the nurse could see to her sore throat. Having lost her appetite, she suggested to Matilda they have their talk in the library.

When settled at table some distance from anyone else so as not to be overheard, Lily locked her eyes on the Hufflepuff girl sitting next to her. “Now, what is this all about?”

Matilda couldn’t meet her eyes. “I—I’m really sorry. Maybe you should go see Madam Pomfrey now.”

Lily sighed, then reached out to touch the girl’s hand, gentling her voice. “Later, I promise. I’m fine. Now explain to me why you need Sirius Black and why you want my help.”

“To prove that I can.” Matilda’s eyes met Lily’s now. “People think I don’t know what they think about me, that I’m too daft to realize. But I do realize.” She looked away again. “And because I like the way he laughs.”

Lily’s heart went out to the girl. She brought her hands up to scrub her face. “So what’s our goal? One date? One kiss?”

Matilda’s head came up, eyes wide. “You’ll really help me?”

“I said I would, didn’t I?”

“Yes, and I never doubted your word, of course I didn’t, it’s just…you don’t particularly like the lot of them—“

“Exactly,” Lily said. “That’s my motive. I’d like to see Black lowered a few pegs just as much as you do.” She slipped on a smirk. “It’ll take some work, but before long you and I will have him trailing in your wake like a faithful hound.”

_________________________________________________

The following weekend Lily set to work. She didn’t tell Penny what she and Matilda were going to do. She knew Matilda would want to keep it a secret, and respected that.

She knew they would need privacy. Someplace with a lot of room, out of the way so no one really frequented it. Someplace where they could curse and swear with frustration and not be overheard.

It was as perfect a day as could be expected for late January. There was no bitter wind, and the temperature was a balmy twenty-seven degrees. Snow blanketed the ground, but it wasn’t deep.

Being Head Girl, Lily had access to the Quidditch schedule. She made sure there weren’t any practices or games scheduled in their time frame before meeting Matilda in the Entrance Hall and leading her down to the pitch. They had until one o’clock before the Gryffindors needed room for their three-hour practice.

Smack in the middle of the pitch, Lily paced a few steps away from Matilda, then turned to face her. The girl stood nervously with her arms out at her sides, trying to keep balanced. There was a textbook teetering on her head.

“Now.” Lily held her arms out before her, as she would to a baby talking its first steps. “Walk to me.”

Matilda took one cautious step, stopped and held her breath as she waited for the book to fall. It didn’t, though, so she took another step. “Lily?” she squeaked.

Lily watched her take another tentative, and successful, step. “Yes, Matilda?”

Matilda felt the weight on her head tilt dangerously to one side and leaned to try and right it. She failed, and the book plopped in the snow. “Er… Why, exactly, if you don’t mind me asking, that is…why are we doing this?”

Rejoining the Hufflepuff, Lily picked up the book and placed it back on the girl’s head.

“Grace is a feminine virtue. The first step to gracefulness is poise. Balance, confidence, and steadiness are essential elements. You need to stand tall and proud—chin up, shoulders back, spine straight. You need to carry yourself as if you’re in control, and you know it.”

“But I’m not good at controlling things,” Matilda nervously argued as she watched Lily move to stand away from her. She took a slow step forward.

“If so, you can’t let anyone even _think_ that’s possible,” Lily replied. She watched the book fall, again, to plop in the snow. “Matilda,” she said gently as she walked back to the girl, her feet crunching in the snow. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

She was gripping her friend by the shoulders. After a moment, Matilda sighed and looked up. “Yes. Yes, I’m sure. I just… This isn’t what I…”

“Expected?” Lily finished for her. The girl nodded. “I know it isn’t. To be quite honest, I really had no idea what I was going to do with you until I saw you this morning. You were slouching horribly,” she revealed with a smile. “As if you were trying to shrink away from everyone.”

“I was doing that?” Matilda sounded taken aback. Lily nodded.

“Mm-hmm, you were.”

There was silence for a moment. Finally, Matilda said firmly, “No more. I don’t want anyone to think I’m scared of the human race.”

“That’s what they think _now,”_ Lily said bluntly. “But we’re going to change their opinion. Are you absolutely sure you need to go through with this? You still want Sirius Black?”

At the mention of him, Lily was surprised to see a wicked gleam come into Matilda’s eye. “Oh, yes. I want him.” Then, appalled of herself, her gaze flew up to meet Lily’s. “I mean—this. I want _this.”_

Lily held back a laugh. “Good. But Matilda…” She bent to pick up the book, then reached to place it atop the girl’s head. “You have to relax.”

Matilda nodded. “Right.” Determination now added an edge to her voice.

Within an hour Matilda had successfully walked to Lily and back three times. Within another hour she was turning circles and moving easily. Her chin was up, her back straight…Lily noticed that by standing properly, Matilda looked slimmer as well, even bundled up against the cold as she was.

Lily had begun to think it was time for a break when Matilda asked tentatively, “When you explained about grace and poise…how did you know that?”

Motioning for her to follow, Lily led the way back up to the castle. “I, for one, am frozen solid. My sister and I were both in dance,” she answered, “since we were both very little. The things I told you I, myself, had heard so often that I think it’s been burned into my head. Of course, that was the point, I suppose.”

“You always seem like you’re in control,” Matilda murmured, like she just realized the fact. “As if you always know what to do.”

“I hope so, otherwise eight years of lessons have been wasted.” Lily smiled at her before placing the book on her own head and continuing on without breaking stride. She never faltered, even shuffling through the snow as she was, and the book never quivered.

____________________________________-

The two girls entered the castle and headed toward their separate common rooms. They’d agreed to go put on dry clothes and warm before their common room fires for a bit, and then meet again in the Great Hall for an early lunch.

As she was climbing the last flight of stairs to Gryffindor Tower, Lily saw the Gryffindor Quidditch Team heading toward her, dressed and carrying broomsticks. She raised an eyebrow, thinking they were quite a bit early for practice.

She had just passed Sirius Black and James Potter when a thought came to her. Wheeling around, she called, “Oy, Black!”

Both he and Potter stopped and turned around, as if the name referred to both of them. As she backtracked to them, she saw Potter’s hand jump up to ruffle his hair, giving it a windswept look. Resisting the urge to roll her eyes, she decided to completely ignore him. Her eyes fixed on Black.

“I thought practice wasn’t until one o’clock?” she inquired mildly. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Potter staring at her.

Black shrugged. “Breckenridge thought we were all looking puny and three hours of vigorous, back-breaking, exhausting work wasn’t enough, so we’re going a bit early.” His sarcasm was palpable. “What’s it to you?” he asked curiously.

Lily sent up a quick thanks that she and Matilda hadn’t stayed out on the pitch longer. “Nothing, really. I’d heard in passing that practice was one to four today, and I’d just been wondering why you were going now.”

Black nodded. “Well, there you have it. We should catch up.”

Lily nodded, and they turned to go (James seemed rather reluctant). Then, without letting herself think about the wisdom of it, she impulsively called him back. “Black! One more thing,” she explained when they turned. She was unconsciously wringing her hands. “I need to talk to you…sometime. Like…at dinner or later tonight. In the Common Room.”

For a moment both men stared at her blankly, then Black replied, “Er…sure. I’ll find you at dinner. After practice.”

“Right. Great. Thanks. I’ll wait for you, then.” With that, Lily turned and hurried up the stairs and out of sight.

Sirius glanced at James, who was glaring at him with narrowed eyes and flared nostrils. “Don’t look at me like that, mate.”

 

**Please review and let me know if and why you like this story!** **And if you don't, tell me!**

**Shout out to Cherry Bear who requested I post this story on this site! :)  
** ****  
~ grape_2010


	2. Chapter Two

At five thirty Lily was sitting with Penny at the Gryffindor table. Lily thought she would be courteous and was waiting for Sirius to join her before she ate. Therefore, Penny wasn’t eating yet either, because, as she so delicately put it, she would have “felt like a rude, inconsiderate, incorrigible, inordinate, inhumane, inimical, indifferent, and selfish male.”

“So what about you having a date with Black?” Penny asked as she scanned the Hogwarts students in the Hall. “I thought you hated that lot.”

“It’s not a date, Pen, and I don’t hate them.”

“Millie Weeks said she wasn’t dating Joseph Burbeck, that they were just talking, and look how that turned out. And if you don’t hate them, what _do_ you feel about them?”

“I just think they’re insufferable, is all. And I am not Millicent Weeks and Black is not Joseph Burbeck.”

“That’s not my point.”

“Then what is it?”

“You may insist to Black that this is just a friendly”—she coughed—“meeting, but that doesn’t mean he won’t get ideas.” She paused for a moment, looking thoughtful. “He’s not seeing anyone right now, you know. He broke up with Jasmine four days ago— _that_ was funny—and he might think you’re going to try to move in on him.” She shrugged casually. “Remus Lupin is all right.”

The sudden change in subject threw Lily. “Remus? What?”

Penny wouldn’t meet her eye. _That_ was a first. “You said they were all insufferable. Lupin’s all right, though.”

Lily stared at her, eyebrows raised. “Yeah…yeah, Remus is all right. He’s friendly and kind. Quiet, though.”

“Sort of meek, in a way. Not cowardly, not scared…just humble.”

Lily, in all the years she’d known Penny, had never heard her friend talk about anyone that way.

The mood was lost, however, when Penny shook her head and seemed to come to herself. “So are you going after Black? I wouldn’t advise it, seeing how Potter likes you and all, but if you really—“

Lily sighed, a bit frustrated, and cut off her friend. “No, Penny, I don’t want to go out with Black. And if I did, Potter wouldn’t stop me.”

Penny nodded as though that statement satisfied her. “Good to know.” She glanced toward the doors. “Here comes some of the team. I’ll go give my donation to charity for the month and sit with that Matilda girl.”

“Don’t you try prying out our secret, Peninah MacTavish,” Lily warned as Penny stood up. The witch grinned wickedly before walking over to the Hufflepuff table.

It wasn’t one minute before Sirius Black plopped down beside her.

“Hey,” he greeted, smiling at her. She noticed it wasn’t the charming smile he used on other girls, but a milder one. “I hope you’ll pardon my manners, but I’m _starving_.” With that, he began filling his plate generously.

Lily followed his example readily enough. The smells had been tantalizing her while she waited.

“Didn’t you eat lunch?” she asked him. He was shoveling the food into his mouth so viciously she wondered if he could taste any of it.

He shook his head, swallowed, then answered, “No, Breckenridge wouldn’t give us the time.”

Lily frowned at that. “You’re awfully late,” she commented lightly.

“We just got done with practice.”

Incredulous, thinking how cold it was outside, Lily turned to stare at him. Sure enough, his hair was damp from his shower.

Sirius saw her expression and shrugged. “Breckenridge is psychotic. But we haven’t lost a match yet this year.”

Lily nodded and they lapsed into silence, both comfortable to just concentrate on eating.

She was a bit surprised. She’d expected a flirty, coy, boisterous Sirius Black, but instead he seemed pretty down to earth.

Well-fed, she pushed her plate away from her. She needed information, and wondered how she was going to acquire it. She should ask nicely first, she supposed. Decision made, she put her elbow on the table, rested her cheek in her palm, and studied him as he finished eating. He must have sensed her watching, for he glanced up to meet her gaze. “What?”

“What do you like in a girl?” she asked bluntly.

He froze and his eyes widened. “Beg pardon?” His voice seemed higher than normal.

“What do you like in a girl?” she repeated patiently.

He shoved his plate away, having apparently lost his appetite. “I don’t understand what you’re asking.”

“I’m asking if you prefer a certain type of girl. Like, should she be tall and skinny? Short and round? Blond with blue eyes? Or…a green-eyed redhead?”

He gulped, actually gulped, before falling silent. He scrutinized her face, thinking. She could practically see the wheels turning and grinding as they sought the correct answer. Then flatly he said, “I don’t have specific preferences.”

“Oh, but you must!”

“No, really.”

“Come on, Black.” Lily smiled becomingly. “I won’t tell.”

“Why are you asking?” he demanded.

She shrugged noncommittally. “No reason.”

“Just curious, eh?” He huffed out some mirthless laughter. “I don’t believe you.”

“Would you just tell me?” She was getting irritated with him.

He scrunched up his handsome face and pretended to contemplate her query. “No.”

Lily narrowed her eyes at him and hissed out a breath. Then she got control of herself, calmed, and did what she had to do. She let her bottom lip tremble and her eyes fill.

Drastic times call for drastic measures.

Watching her, Sirius went from guarded to wary. He regarded her with great caution.

“Please tell me,” she requested, her voice thick.

“Don’t,” he warned. “Don’t do that.”

She blinked slowly, letting one tear slide down her cheek. He surrendered as if that single tear was as threatening as a suggested loss of his manhood.

“Fine. You want to know what I like?” She nodded. “I like genuineness.”

She waited for him to continue. When he didn’t, she sniffled.

He couldn’t say the words fast enough. “I don’t like when girls think they have to completely change their appearance in order to be pretty. They were born looking the way they do for a reason. I’m not saying they can’t shine up a bit, but coloring their hair four different colors a year and smearing paint all over their faces is just ridiculous.”

If this confession surprised Lily, she didn’t show it. Smiling, eyes abruptly dry, she kissed his cheek and stood. “Nice talking to you, Black. Thanks.” She motioned to Penny, waved at Matilda, and left.

As the doors to the Great Hall closed behind them, Penny cheered delightedly, “Lily, you little manipulator. I never knew you had it in you!”

Sirius was shaking his head as he returned to his friends. “I feel thoroughly used,” he told them. To James he said, “If you want her, mate, that’s your own fault.”

________________________________

In Gryffindor Tower, Penny and Lily had gone up to their dormitory to get some homework before coming back down to the Common Room to sit at the table nearest the fire. Other Gryffindors had the same idea, heads bent to their books; others were playing games, reading, or simply chatting by the warm, blazing fire.

For a time the two girls worked quietly. Then Penny mumbled, “I know it has to do with a boy.” She didn’t move when Lily’s eyes lifted to look at the top of her sleek, black head. “Nothing else would have made Matilda blush like she did when I asked about it.”

“What all did you manage to extract from her?” Lily asked flatly.

Penny gave her head a little shake, making her long hair twitch. “Nothing more than that.”

“Keep it that way.”

After an hour of work all that was left for Lily to do was read an assigned passage from one of her Charms books. She thought she’d leave that for bedtime, and read it right before going to sleep so that it will be fresh in her mind come tomorrow’s lesson.

She stood from her chair and gathered all her things. Penny, who still had an essay to finish, didn’t look up or acknowledge Lily’s leaving in any way.

Lily eyed her regretfully. She hated when there was tension in their relationship, but this couldn’t be helped. She was unmovable. It was Matilda’s secret, and she would respect that. If Matilda decided to share it with anyone besides Lily, that was her choice.

Upstairs, she exchanged her textbooks and parchment for a Muggle paperback novel she’d brought from home after the holidays. It was mildly tattered, the cover bent, and the spine creased; but the content would never change, so its appearance hardly mattered to Lily. In her opinion, the beauty of a story was the words written within, not the marks of use and age without.

Eager to discover what it entailed, she hurried back downstairs and took her seat again at the table with Penny. She could have sat in the free armchair before the fire, but somehow she’d have felt as though she were deceiving Penny by curling up on a comfortable seat and getting lost in an adventure of the imagination, while her friend slouched over a boring essay about toadstools. So she sat at the table, and felt better for it.

Just as a princess was scandalously leaving her bridegroom standing at the alter, Lily’s mental picture of the scene was interrupted. She looked up at Penny, her eyes still unfocused. “Come again?”

“It’s Sirius Black, isn’t it?”

It took a moment for Lily to catch hold of what she meant. When she did, she carefully kept her face expressionless. “Why on earth would you say that?”

Penny finally raised her head. She shrugged. “Common sense.”

Lily shook her head, confused. “What does common sense have to do with it?”

“Lily.” Penny shot her a look. “It’s a classic situation. The dork always wants the popular, drop-dead-handsome guy.” She looked thoughtful. “Or another dork that’s just as shy and so neither of them approach one another.”

Lily pounced on that. “Then what makes you think she’s after Sirius Black? What if she’s after some other nerd who needs his eyes pried open?”

“There aren’t any really nerdy nerds in the fifth, sixth, or seventh years. None that are boys, anyway.”

“Sure there are.”

Penny raised her eyebrow. “Who?”

Lily searched her mental files. “Sydney Hayworth.”

Penny waved her hand in dismissal. “He’s just large and stupid, and doesn’t converse. He’s one Beater of the Hufflepuff Quidditch Team.”

“Mm… Caledon Epps.”

Another hand wave. “He’s a perverted Slytherin, not a nerd. He likes to read Muggle comic books, but only the ones with Wonder Woman in them. He’s dating Nicole Royce, the most popular Slytherin girl of the seventh year. In case you couldn’t guess, she’s very well endowed in certain anatomical aspects.”

“Wackholm Waddington?”

Penny looked at her as if Lily had just suggested the king of England. “Wacky Waddington is Matilda’s first cousin on her mother’s side!”

“Oh.” Then, more curious than defensive, Lily inquired, “How do you _know_ these things?”

Penny ran her tongue around her teeth. “That’s not important. Come on, Lily, what nerd would catch Matilda’s eye?”

Her mind came up blank, so she said in desperation, “Remus Lupin.”

Penny’s cocky grin sank into a frown. Her expression became guardedly blank. “Remus Lupin is not a nerd.”

Touchy, touchy, Lily thought. She wouldn’t pursue that one. “Fine, but that still doesn’t mean Matilda’s after Sirius Black.”

“Then why were you talking to him at dinner with no intention of asking him out?” Lily opened her mouth to respond, but Penny cut her off. “And don’t tell me you’re suddenly best friends with him, because I know that’s a lie.”

Lily decided silence was her best bet. Ignoring her friend, she pretended to become once again engrossed in her book.

Penny burst into laughter. Students near her gave her dirty looks, so she quieted down. Still chuckling, she leaned over her essay again. “Don’t worry, Lily, I won’t tell.”

“You had better not.”

Both tried to return their attention to what they’d been doing previously. Soon, though, Penny gave up and shoved her essay away from her. Leaning over the table, she avidly asked, “So what are you doing to help her?”

“Penny.”

“What’s your goal?”

“Penny.”

“I could help, you know. Toughen her up a bit—“

“Penny, don’t.” Lily gave her a pained look. “I’m really, _really_ trying to respect Matilda’s privacy, here.”

Penny pursed her lips, then sighed. “All right.” She made a zipping motion across her lips. “Mum’s the word.”

___________________________________

A few hours later both girls had finished all of their homework, played several games of chess, and had tidied their spaces in their dormitory. It was nearing ten o’clock, and they still had a couple of hours before they needed to go to bed.

“It’s hard to believe there could ever be a boring moment in this place,” Penny commented as they made their way down to the common room dressed in dressing gowns, robes, and slippers, all in Gryffindor colors.

“I know,” Lily agreed. “I hate tedium. It makes me restless.”

“We should go exploring.” Penny reached the bottom of the steps and turned to watch Lily finish her descent. “Out on the grounds. It’s cold, it’s dark, and it’s creepy. Perfect.”

The redhead grinned. “I don’t think so.”

Her eyes roamed about the room, seeing who was all there; and stopped upon the sight of the Marauders, all seated around the table she and Penny had occupied previously that evening, playing Exploding Snap.

Just then, someone called Penny’s name from across the room. Penny waved back. “Hey, it’s Shelby—do you mind if I have a word with her?”

Lily shook her head, and started in the opposite direction as Penny. There was a loud explosion as she reached the table, and all four boys broke out in raucous laughter. Grinning by infection, Lily placed her hands on the back of Sirius’s chair and inquired, “Who’s winning?”

The laughter abruptly ceased, and they all turned to stare at her. She smiled at them all, but her lips widened when her gaze landed on Sirius. His spine snapped visibly straight.

“Hello, Lily.” Remus was the first to regain composure. “Is there something we can do for you?”

“Thank you, Remus. Actually, I was wondering if Sirius would like to make a run down to the kitchens with me. I need a midnight snack.”

Without missing a beat, Remus looked her straight in the eye and said, “I believe Sirius was just going up to write a letter to his uncle, then he was telling us about an essay he still needs to write for Monday.”

Not meeting her eye, Sirius shrugged in apology.

“However,” Remus continued, “James was just saying how hungry he was. I could hear his stomach growling from across the table. I’m sure he would love to accompany you.”

As though cued, James jumped from his chair and stood waiting. Lily could practically see the waves of anticipation emanating from him.

Her half-baked plan of further interrogation ruined, she scowled at him. Then to Remus, she answered, “No, thank you. I’ve lost my appetite.” With that, she whirled around and went to find Penny, her back starched with dignity.

She never saw Sirius go upstairs.

__________________________________

The next Tuesday, Lily and Matilda ate lunch quickly, then headed toward the library. Lily proudly noted Matilda’s improving posture. Once they arrived at their destination, Matilda expressed her curiosity. Lily replied:

“The second step to gracefulness is wisdom. Now, that does not mean you have to be the most intelligent person on the face of the Earth. No. It does mean that one should know how to use the sense God gave her, and to know the simple difference between what is right and wrong.”

Letting that soak in, Lily led the Hufflepuff to a section of books. Pulling one from the shelf, she showed the cover to Matilda. It read _The Very Vast Volume of Vampires_. “What do you think about Vampires?”

Thrown, she stumbled. “Er, well, most people think they’re nasty creatures, but I think they just improvise with the special needs they have.”

When she didn’t continue, Lily gave her an encouraging nod.

“They aren’t accepted as wizards, and they aren’t accepted as humans; they can’t go near daylight so they look all pale and gaunt and scary. They’re hunted and repelled as a general kind, when only a handful of them actually become evil and revel in the drinking of blood. Most like their privacy.”

“Do you hate them?” Lily asked her.

Matilda looked startled. “No, of course not. I’ve never met one, and though I’ve heard bad stories about them, I’ve also heard just as many good. I give them the benefit of the doubt.”

Lily smiled at this piece of insight. “That’s wonderful, Matilda. You’re already open-minded. That’ll save some time and effort.”

She replaced the book in its spot on the shelf, then turned to face the other girl, crossing her arms over her chest. “If you’re lost, will you consult a map, ask for directions, or both?”

Matilda’s brows knit. “Both, if necessary.”

“If you’re hungry, should you eat? If you’re thirsty, should you drink?”

“It depends on what time of day it is, and what I’m thinking about eating or drinking.”

Lily grinned. “Good answer. But generally speaking, I mean.”

“Then yes, I should.”

“When you enter a church, chapel, etc., what is your tone of voice?”

Matilda looked offended. “Quiet and low, if not silent completely.”

“And does that apply for a library as well?”

“Of course.”

“Do babies come from the stork?”

Matilda blushed furiously. “Heavens, no.”

“Then where do they come from?”

“A place that should never be discussed aloud and/or in public!”

Lily couldn’t help but let loose a small giggle, which was quickly stifled. “If you see a fire, should you try to put it out yourself or call the local authorities?”

“Call the authorities.”

“If a gun—well, a wand—is placed against your head and someone demands something of you, do you deny them?”

Matilda thought for a moment. “What is it they would be demanding?”

“Something that if you don’t do it, they’ll kill you.”

“Yes, I’d do it.”

“Should you ever wear one red sock and one green sock?”

“Not unless I’m cheering for a team with those colors.”

“Good.” Lily uncrossed her arms and began walking toward the exit of the library. “You seem to have some common sense.”

In the hall, Lily continued with another array of questions. “Which should you do, talk to a stranger or run from one?”

“Run.”

“If there’s a child that needs your help, do you try to help it or do you ignore it?”

“Help it.”

“If someone tries to abuse you in any way, should you keep it to yourself or tell someone right away?”

“Tell someone.”

“If someone tried to lure you into experimenting with the Dark Arts, do you accept or not?”

“Never.”

At that moment, a bell rang, and the girls said a hasty good-bye. Lily’s next class was at the opposite end of the castle, so she walked fast when there was someone watching, and ran when there wasn’t.

Knowing the tardy bell would ring any moment, she turned into the corridor where her lesson was located, panting slightly. As she neared the door, she heard fast-paced footsteps coming from behind her.

She glanced over her shoulder to see who it was, and her eyes met those of Sirius Black. He held up a textbook. “Don’t worry, Head Girl. I fetched the book I needed from the Tower in record time.”

She couldn’t miss the opportunity. Deciding to risk being a few seconds late, Lily turned and pressed her back against the door to the classroom, her study materials clutched in front of her stomach. “I need to talk to you.”

He immediately put on his guard. “ _We_ need to get to class.”

Lily raised her chin. “And we will. But I need to talk to you, first.”

Sirius let out a sigh. “All right, then, quickly. What is it?”

Lily marveled for only an instant in the ironic switch of roles. “How would you like to be kissed?”

The question took three full seconds to work its way through his mind, then his eyes narrowed ominously. “Let me in the classroom,” he demanded.

“Answer the question.”

“No.”

“Please?”

“No. And don’t you dare spring a leak in the plumbing again.”

“Please answer the question. I need an answer.”

“Why?”

“I can’t tell you.”

“I share the sentiment. Now get out of my way.”

Lily pressed her lips together, and didn’t budge when he walked up to stand towering over her. “Why won’t you answer the question?”

“Because I don’t believe it’s any of your business.”

“Fine. I’ll just go ask one of your conquests.”

The bell rang, but neither of them moved a muscle.

“Why the sudden interest in my intimate ways?” he asked after a few seconds, his voice low. “One would think you’re interested.” He stepped up closer to her, toe to toe, and she could feel his breath on her face as he spoke. His nearness forced her arm to hold her materials at her side.

She knew he was changing tactics from defensive to offensive. His lips were practically touching hers. She decided to mess with is head. Letting her eyelids droop and her lips part, she arched her back until her belly was pressed to his.

“I _am_ interested, Black.” As that whispered statement hung in the air, she leaned in until she was a hair’s width away from brushing her lips over his. “Just not directly.”

And she shoved him back by the shoulders, whipped around and opened the door to the classroom. Gliding in, she smiled brightly at the professor. “We beg your pardon, professor. Sirius Black had to make a run to his dormitory to get his textbook. I met him on his way back and kindly escorted him here.”

She felt him dig an elbow into her ribs as he walked by her. As the professor beamed and awarded her ten points, Lily took her seat next to Penny.

 

**Please review and let me know if and why you like this story! And if you don't, tell me!  
~ grape_2010**


	3. Chapter Three

Lily was careful to avoid Sirius and his friends throughout the rest of the day. She did pass by him in the corridor once, though, and he gazed at her suspiciously until they were no longer in sight of each other.

She didn’t know what on God’s green earth had possessed her to tease him the way she had. She wasn’t the type of girl who did that, but at that moment she hadn’t been able to resist. She’d told Penny about it after class and they’d both laughed long and loud.

She liked knowing that she was able to twist a man’s insides into knots. She’d never placed much importance on whether or not she always had a boyfriend following her around. Her studies meant more to her than dating, and, in her way of thinking, her studies would have a much more prominent effect on her future, in general, than a myriad of boyfriends would. But that moment of pure feminine pleasure had felt good.

The professor of her last lesson of the day had held her back to let her know how well-written her last essay was. She knew the professor would really like it if she went on to have a career in the area that he teaches, so when he started dropping more-obvious-than-not hints, like, “You almost know more on the subject than I do, Miss Evans,” or, “You could easily fill in for me any day,” she smiled sweetly and pretended ignorance. It was in her nature to please, and she really wished she could say yes just to shut him up, but she wasn’t about to make any promises regarding her future that she knew she probably wouldn’t keep.

As a result to being held back, she was late to meet Penny in the Great Hall for dinner. She didn’t rush to join her, though, because she knew Penny had heard the professor call Lily’s name.

As she walked down one corridor, she heard a sharp ripping sound, followed by a series of thumps and clatters, then a groan. Wondering whose bag had ripped and if he or she needed help, Lily quickened her pace. When she heard Matilda’s voice, however, she slowed and tip-toed forward to peek around the corner.

Matilda was on her hands and knees, simultaneously helping a second year Ravenclaw gather her things and soothing her as well.

“Oh, it’s all right; we’ll just get all your things gathered up and put back in your bag. Everything’s fine.”

“But my bag’s torn!” The girl looked so stressed out Lily wouldn’t have been surprised to see the world balancing on her thin shoulders.

“I can fix that,” Matilda gently told her. She took her wand out of her robes and said a charm that nicely knitted the material back together.

The girl gaped at the bag, and Lily could read her mind—why hadn’t _I_ thought of that?

Without a word, Matilda started to place books and parchment and quills inside the bag. After a moment, the girl helped her. When the mess was cleaned up and the bag secured on the girl’s back, the Ravenclaw gave Matilda a shy, grateful smile. “Thank you.”

Matilda grinned back. “You’re welcome.”

When the girl was out of sight, Lily straightened and walked toward Matilda, who heard her approaching and turned, surprise flickering over her face.

“I’ve got my work cut out for me,” Lily announced with a grin, folding her arms beneath her breasts.

Matilda stared at her blankly. “What’d I do?”

Lily walked closer and rested her hands on her friend’s shoulders. “That was a very kind thing to do for that girl.”  
Matilda shrugged self-consciously. “Well, the poor kid looked like she hadn’t gotten much sleep lately, and she was about to burst into tears. It was like the last straw for her when her bag ripped.”

Lily nodded and motioned for her to follow as she started on her way to the Great Hall again. “There is only one more element of grace I need to help you with, Matilda. You’ve mastered poise”—she watched her friend’s fluid gate—“you understand wisdom, and now we have to work on beauty.”

Coming to a stop, she turned to face Matilda. “What you did for that girl proved to me that you have a good heart, Matilda. Being a good person is a beauty in and of itself.” She smiled. “I’m proud of you.”

Matilda blushed, flustered. “Thank you.” She fell into step beside Lily and couldn’t help but notice that she walked like her now—head up, shoulders back, spine straight…and not a little extra sway in the hips. She was feeling elegant already.

“So I’m almost ready?” she asked as they descended the marble staircase in the entrance hall.

“Almost,” Lily confirmed with a nod. “This weekend we can gunk up your face until you resemble Barbie.”

Matilda’s brows knit. “Who’s Barbie?”

Lily lifted one corner of her lips wryly. “Never mind. It’s a Muggle thing.”

When they entered the Great Hall, she scanned the Gryffindor table for Penny. She felt a sinking sensation in her stomach when she saw that the Marauders had surrounded her friend. They were practically holding her hostage, she thought.

Knowing she would need reinforcements, she caught Matilda just as she was heading toward the Hufflepuff table and invited her to sit with them. Matilda took a look at Penny’s location and bit her lip. “But shouldn’t I—”

“C’mon,” Lily urged. “They won’t bite, and it would be good for you and him to interact.” She took Matilda’s hand and pulled her along.

Penny gave Lily a tight, too-sweet smile. “Where have you been?” she ground out through clenched teeth.

“You know where I was,” Lily replied nonchalantly. She glared at Peter Pettigrew. With a squeak, he leapt from his seat next to Penny and ran around the table to the other side, where he plopped down by James Potter.

As Lily took the seat so suddenly vacated, Penny snapped, “Yes, I knew, but I didn’t think it would take you _that_ long.”

With a slow, sly grin, Lily surrendered to another of those purely feminine urges. Grabbing food off trays and filling her plate, she drawled, “Well, he just couldn’t seem to let me go.”

Six heads whipped around to look at her. Under the table, she felt Penny pinch her thigh in question, and she squeezed hers in return to let her know it was a ruse. Then she patted Matilda’s to let her know the same.

“He?” James snapped, glaring at Lily.

“Mm-hmm,” she affirmed, her eyes down cast as she buttered a roll.

“And who’s ‘he’,” he pressed. He was seated across the table from her between Remus Lupin and Peter. Sirius was on the other side of Penny.

Only moving her eyes, Lily looked up at him and raised her eyebrows. “I don’t believe that’s any of your business.”

“The hell it isn’t!” he roared, shooting up from his seat. Startled, Lily jumped and stared up at him. Breathing heavily, fists clenched at his sides, he gazed at her as if she was a filthy, smutty whore, and he knew it, but he couldn’t help loving her anyway. There was a helpless fury contained behind his glasses in those hazel eyes. It was as though he wanted to hit her and kiss her at the same time.

Then he spun around and marched out of the hall. Lily blinked and looked around her; no one except the other five people in their little group had noticed James’s outburst.

The others were watching her, but she didn’t care. Staring at her filled plate, she felt anger rise in her. Vaulting from her seat, she charged after him.

She had just reached the entrance hall when she felt a hand grab her shoulder and force her to stop.

“You’re tying him into knots, Lily,” Sirius told her, his deep voice soft.

Riding on her anger, she jerked from his grasp and pursed her lips. “That’s not my fault. If he can’t get over the fact that I hate his filthy guts, that’s his problem.”

She turned to continue on her way when he deterred her once again. Grabbing her upper arms, he pushed her up against the stone wall.

Shoving his face into hers, Sirius spoke through clenched teeth. “That’s enough. I’m sick of the way you treat him, as if he’s shit under your shoe. It’s not your fault he’s hopelessly in love with you, on that your right, but that doesn’t give you permission to walk all over his feelings like they’re stones in the floor. You can’t imagine how much you hurt him each and every time you turn away.” He shook her a little. “He’s gotten really good at hiding it, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t there.”

She glared at him, breathing heavily through her flared nostrils. The tension built thick and stiff between them until it was smothering; it felt almost as if there was a whole other person sandwiched between them.

The stone wall she was pressed against was hard, jagged, and cold. She knew she’d wake up with a bruise or two in the morning, but at that moment she barely noticed. All she could see was the heat in his eyes, all she could feel was the pressure of his hands on her arms. All she could hear was her own heart beating strong and loud in her chest.

Suddenly she went limp in his hold. “I never meant to walk all over him,” she finally said, casting her eyes down. “At first I was just trying to get through to him that I didn’t want to go out with him, then when he didn’t stop, I suppose I got harsher.” She lifted her earnest emerald gaze to his stormy, calculating eyes. “I never really meant to hurt him.”

He was quiet a long moment, watching her, before he let out a long sigh. He seemed to hesitate, as though rethinking what he was going to do next.

Lily felt a lick of trepidation. Shouldn’t he release her arms and let her walk away now?

Then she saw the change in his eyes. The look in them was no longer hard and cold, but was melting into something that vaguely resembled tenderness.

She felt his hands start to travel up her arms.

He gave her a full smile—not the friendly, toned-down stretch of lips like before; this one was completely and unmistakably lecherous. “I believe you asked me a question I have yet to answer.”

Lily went taut as a bow, her eyes widening into huge round globes. “Beg pardon?” she squeaked.

She knew he was going to kiss her. She’d have to be just plain stupid not to have figured that out. And the knowledge scared the bejesus out of her. Not that she’d never been kissed before, but that was only once, when she was eight years old by the swing set at the park. After nine years of hardly paying attention to the opposite sex, she was expected to handle being kissed by the legendary Sirius Black?

“Just this afternoon,” he clarified, “you asked me a question, and I never gave you an answer.”

His hands had reached her neck, and she jerked, gasping when the pads of his fingers lightly tickled her sensitive skin. “I-I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she stammered unsteadily.

He leaned in close until his chest brushed the tips of her breasts. Bending his head, he whispered huskily, his lips right next to her ear, “‘How would you like to be kissed?’”

She remembered, but before she could draw breath to reply, he ducked his head and his mouth settled over hers. As her eyes drifted shut, she felt his hands dive into her mass of curly auburn hair, holding her captive.

In the back of her mind, some part of her hoped no one would come out of the Great Hall and see them. She had a reputation to uphold, a reputation of good manners, a brilliant mind, and hormones that were under strict control. That part of her was already on its feet and scolding her.

Another part of her told the other part to sit down and shut up. Lily liked that part better.

The kiss was light at first, for which she was thankful, so that she had time to accommodate to his nearness, to feeling his nose rub on hers. She could smell him, could smell the recklessness, the wildness that emanated from him.

After a moment, his breathing quickened, and he became more urgent, gently taking her bottom lip between his own and sucking on it. That caused her hands to clamp down on his arms as her mind reeled. The urgency grew until his lips finally pressed hard against her own, forcing her to open her mouth. The instant it did, his tongue slipped inside to explore.

She wondered dimly if he could tell this was her first real, serious kiss. She tentatively ran the tip of her tongue along the smooth surface of his teeth; unconsciously she flattened herself against him, her arms rising to wrap around his neck.

With a quiet groan, one of his hands moved down to encircle her waist, lifting her off her toes and grinding his swollen, aching hips against hers. He leaned back for fresh oxygen, then instantly dived back in.

Lily didn’t know how much time—seconds, minutes, hours—passed before he finally let them surface. She fought to catch her breath as she watched him watch her, both gauging how shaken up the other was. Then with another of his little groans, he lightly rested his forehead against hers.

“Can you possibly imagine how guilty and back-stabbing I feel right now?” he moaned, squeezing his eyes shut.

Lily’s indignation rose. “Why? It’s not like I’m James’s property or anything. I can kiss whomever I want.”

Ignoring her, he went on, “I went against the unspoken rule of best-friendship—never kiss your friend’s girl.”

Pursing her lips, Lily shoved him away. “I’m not James Potter’s girl.”

“Not officially, seeing as you aren’t giving your consent, but you’re as good as.”

“Over my dead body,” Lily grumbled as she folded her arms beneath her breasts.

Sirius regarded her cautiously. “Be careful, Lily; with what’s going on in the world lately, that’s far too likely.”

She sighed. Pushing past him, she made her way toward the marble staircase. “I need to talk to him and get all his silly notions of loving me straightened out.”

“Lily.” She pivoted. “Don’t tell him.”

She stared at him.

He shrugged. “What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him. All right? It’s not like it meant anything.”

“Oh, it meant something to me, Sirius Black. It meant a lot to me.” She turned and began to ascend the stairs. “Don’t worry; no one will ever know.”

* * *

She found him in his dormitory, standing at the window next to his bed. His back was to her, but unless he was completely lost in a world inside his head, she knew he’d heard someone enter. She could have sworn that every single door in the castle had squeaky hinges.

He’s shed his robe so that he was only wearing black trousers and a white button-down shirt. He must have kicked off his shoes because one was lying drunkenly on its side in the middle of the room, and the other was upside-down on the farthest bed.

His black hair was as wild as ever, tousled in a way that could suit only him. She’d always wondered if his hair reflected his personality, but had never known him well enough to find out. And that was one branch of curiosity she was going to have to nip in the bud.

He must have started to wonder why whoever had come in wasn’t saying anything. He glanced over his shoulder, saw her, and froze. Then he stiffened, as though bracing himself, and turned back to the window.

“Have it out, then.” He sounded resigned.

She linked her hands behind her back. “Have what out?”

“You’re going to go on about how you’re not my property, how I don’t have any right to be angry that you see other guys, and that I’m insufferable and immature.”

She winced. “I haven’t said anything like that in a long time.”

From the angle at which he was standing, she saw one side of his mouth lift wryly. “Not so long ago. Sirius finally convinced me that being tenacious wasn’t the right way to go about it. He said that if I left you alone, you’d like me.”

She dropped her eyes, blinked slowly as she thought. “Sirius says a lot of things.”

He let out a bubble of mirthless laughter, turned. “You can say that ag…” His eyes narrowed on her face.

She lifted a hand to touch the ends of her hair self-consciously. She’d tried to finger-comb all the tangles out on the way there, but maybe she should have gone up to her dorm to brush it before she’d come. “What?”

“Your lips are swollen.” He said it in a flat, toneless voice that held no emotional inflection whatsoever.

She folded them inside her mouth. She hadn’t noticed how tender they felt.

“Tell me who.” He looked from her mouth to her eyes. “I promise I won’t approach him, just give me his name.”

Sirius Black, your surrogate brother! she wanted to scream. “No.”

His fists clenched at his sides as he took a threatening step toward her. “Evans.”

“No.”

He took another step, his voice a growl. “Lily.”

She raised her chin even as her palms grew damp. “You don’t scare me, and it’s none of your business.”

He glared at her long and hard. Then suddenly he seemed to deflate; his shoulders slumped, his hands relaxed, his eyes closed. “Fine.” He returned to his position at the window. “Please leave me alone.”

She felt like a mean little kid stepping on an ant hill, watching all the little critters scamper in panic. She’d never felt more like a bitch than she did today. But she’d come here for a reason, and she had to see it through.

“You don’t love me,” she announced firmly.

There was a silence that ensued for a long moment. Slowly, he turned around, his expression unreadable.

“I don’t love you?” he said, his voice far too quiet.

She drew a deep breath. “No. You don’t.”

He stood there and studied her for a minute. Then he started walking toward her.

She backed up a step for every one he took, until she was once again flattened against the wall. He kept coming until he was right in front of her.

“I don’t _love_ you?” he repeated.

She shook her head frantically, wondering how on earth she’d managed to get herself in this position twice in fifteen minutes.

He brought his arms up to brace against the wall on either side of her head. His legs were spread, and as he gazed at her with inscrutable eyes, she couldn’t fight the feeling of being locked in a cage with big, meaty bars.

“All right.”

She jerked, then felt heat rise to her cheeks. What had she expected, for him to hit her? “Sorry?”

“All right. Say I don’t love you.”

The lower lid of her left eye twitched. “Okay.”

He paused, thinking. “If I didn’t love you, would I have gone crazy like I did at dinner when you said you’d just been with another guy?”

She didn’t quite know the rules of this game, so she was going to state her opinion and see where it got her. “Not necessarily. After pursuing me for so long, you could just be feeling a lingering sense of possessiveness.” Her jaw clenched. “You’ve always considered yourself my proprietor.”

He nodded briefly, and she assumed he thought her explanation was plausible. “If I didn’t love you, would I have sent you a Christmas present, despite how fervently my best friend insisted I shouldn’t?”

Lily blinked, remembering the package under the tree that hadn’t been marked. Inside had been a small, porcelain figure of herself, her Gryffindor robes swirling around her feet, standing poised for battle with her wand at the ready. With it had been a piece of parchment that said simply, _Happy Christmas_.

She lifted her chin, ignoring the part of her that wanted to soften. “Lots of boys give their crushes small trinkets, and you wouldn’t have much problem rebelling against Sirius’s wishes. You _are_ a rebel,” she said pointedly, raising an eyebrow.

The corner of his mouth twitched. “Point taken.” He thought a moment. “If I didn’t love you, would I have chased after you so long? Year after year?”

She couldn’t think of a very good answer, so she answered flippantly. “Well, you are the most stubborn man I’ve ever met.”

He scrutinized her. “Would you make up your mind?” he finally demanded impatiently.

“About what?” she murmured faintly.

His voice rose a notch. “First you call me a guy, then you call me a boy, then you call me a man. Which am I?”

“They’re all one and the same,” she replied, slightly baffled.

“No, they’re not!” His hands jumped from the wall to squeeze her shoulders. He bared his teeth. “The first is a general kind, the second represents immaturity, the third maturity. Calling me the first implicates I’m not significant to you, saying the second means I need to grow up, and declaring I’m the third makes me think _you’re_ being the childish one.”

She stared. “Wow.”

He pushed his raging face into hers. “I’d have say, personally, that after all you’ve put me through, I’m a man. As a man, if I didn’t love you, would I dream about you?” She tried to draw a breath to speak, but he gave her a shake and went on. “Would I see you, night after night, wreaking havoc in my mind, where I couldn’t control you even if I’d tried? Would I dream we were making love, or that you were lost and I couldn’t find you, or that you lied before me on the floor, your blood on my hands? Would I wake up, sweating and crying, wanting what I can’t have and hating myself for it?”

“You’re scaring me,” she whispered.

He smiled at her, an evil twist of lips. “I scare myself, Lily.”

**Please review and let me know if and why you like this story! And if you don't, tell me!  
~ grape_2010**


	4. Chapter Four

Matilda was late. She and Lily had agreed to meet at the statue of Lachlan the Lanky at the top of the flight of stairs that bridged the sixth and seventh floors at ten that morning. It was almost eleven now, and her mind was so set on hurrying that she’d had to go back to her Hufflepuff dormitory twice because she’d forgotten something. The first time she hadn’t put shoes on, and the second time she’d gone back for a book that she’d checked out of the school library.

Panting slightly, she topped the last set of stairs and moved to stand beside the statue. Lily wasn’t there, and she assumed that Lily had either given up waiting and gone back to wherever the Gryffindors lived, or was running around the castle looking for her. So instead of starting a game of Ring Around the Rosie, she decided she would just sit down against the wall and read her book until Lily found her.

She hadn’t read two pages before she heard voices echoing from down the corridor. She glanced up and saw four boys walk through a wall. Then she realized that the painting of a fat lady in a pink dress had swung open like a door, revealing a huge hole in the wall. That must be the entrance to the Gryffindor Common Room, she thought.

The four boys started walking down the corridor in her direction. They were a ways away, and she couldn’t quite see their faces, but they looked tall enough and old enough to be who she thought they were.

Then she heard Sirius laugh—a loud burst of hilarity that vaguely reminded her of a dog’s bark—and her bones seemed to melt, making her limbs feel rubbery. She knew that it was the Marauders. Maybe they wouldn’t notice her… She had a talent for blending in with the walls. They would walk right on by her like usual.

She ducked her head to stare at her book, pretending to not even have noticed them. She heard them come closer and started to pick up some of their conversation.

“…Just a few more days until we can get out of this place…”

“…I can’t wait…getting restless…”

“…Speak for yourself…”

Suddenly they fell silent, and she knew they’d spotted her, which slightly surprised her. Since when was she seen by anybody, let alone the most popular guys in school? She hadn’t thought they even knew her name.

“Hello, Matilda.”

Her head snapped up, shocked to hear a greeting addressed to her. First they see her, now they speak to her?

The voice had been quiet and friendly, so she narrowed in on Remus when she saw all four boys watching her. “Hello,” she replied, her tone even softer than his.

His brows tipped down. “Er…what are you doing? Here?” He glanced down the corridor in both directions as though to make sure he was where he thought he was.

She felt small—well, smaller, as she wasn’t very tall in the first place, let alone compared to them—sitting on the floor while they stood, so she marked her page with her finger and slowly rose to her feet. “I was supposed to meet Lily Evans here at ten o’clock.”

Now his brows rose. “And you’ve been waiting for an hour?” he asked incredulously.

“Oh, no,” she amended hastily. “I forgot to set my alarm and slept late. I didn’t know what else to do, so I thought I’d just wait here like I was supposed to.” She lifted one shoulder in a shrug. “I figured she’d happen by eventually.”

He nodded, and though he was too polite to ask into her business, Sirius wasn’t.

One hand in the pocket of his robe, he inquired, “What were you meeting Lily for?”

Matilda didn’t know quite what to say. _She was going to make me pretty for you!_ “She and I…er…were…going to spend some time together. She’s my friend.”

“She was in the common room when we left,” he told her. Turning back the way he had come, he said, “I’ll go tell her you’re here.”

She stared after him as he jogged back to the portrait. “Oh…okay, thanks.”

She managed to tear her gaze away and found the other three still watching her. She gave them a little smile.

Thrusting his hands in his pockets, James bent his head in the direction of her book. “What’re you reading?”

She glanced down at it. “ _The Massive Manual of the Muggle Man_. It’s a book about Muggles,” she added unnecessarily.

He held out a hand, and she passed him the book so he could flip through it. “Interested in Muggles, are you?”

“Oh, fascinated for sure,” she answered with an enthusiastic nod. “I don’t know if I could live without magic. I’ve been around it my entire life, being a pure-blood. I want to ask Lily what it’s like, but I don’t want to be rude or offend her or anything.”

James laughed and handed the book back to her. “She won’t be offended in the least. She loves to talk about her heritage. She’d proud of it.”

“Honestly?” Her smiled grew. “Wonderful! Now I can ask her some questions. Did you know that Muggles can buy boxes that people talk out of?”

He chuckled. “I’ve been taking Muggle Studies since second year. Televisions are like Wizard pictures, only the people can talk.”

Matilda nodded avidly. “And the scenes can completely change, too, just by pushing a button on a rem—rem—”

“Remote,” James supplied. “Remote controls can turn the channels, yes; they also adjust the volume and do many other little tasks.”

Delighted with him, Matilda was ready and eager to pursue the topic, but was cut off when they heard Lily, Sirius, and Penny coming down the hall.

Sirius and Penny bickered back and forth as they followed a faster-paced Lily, who looked more curious than panicked.

“What happened to you?” she demanded once she’d reached the group. “I came to meet you, but you weren’t here. I waited; you never came. After a while I assumed you’d forgotten and went back to the common room.”

Matilda felt the heat of a blush spread over her face. “I’m sorry, Lily, to make you worry like that.” She lowered her eyes. “I just slept late, is all. I was very tired and forgot to set my alarm.”

One side of Lily’s mouth tipped up. “It’s all right. Happens to the best of us.” She raised her arm and lightly squeezed Matilda’s shoulder.

There was silence for a beat, then Sirius blew an exaggerated sigh. “Well, thank liver-bellied goats that’s settled.” He rubbed his hands together, sweeping his trademark grin over the females. “We were on our way to lunch. Would you delightful young ladies care to join us?”

Matilda squeezed Lily’s arm. The redhead replied, “Sure.”

Penny, chin high, walked coolly to Remus’s side. She stared at him patiently while he got over his surprise, then slipped her hand into the crook of his arm when he held it out to her with a smirk. Matilda smiled at the dust of red topping his cheeks. They passed Lachlan the Lanky and started down the stairs.

Matilda would have liked to go with James, but she saw he and Lily were watching each other. His mouth was tipped up at one corner, and there was a challenge in his gaze. Lily narrowed her own eyes in a glare, then stuck her nose in the air and lifted her arm daintily like an 18th century woman waiting for the back of her hand to be kissed. With a derisive snort, he took her hand and bent his head, but instead of a kissing it, he bit the knuckles. By Lily’s yelp, he must have bitten them hard.

She snatched her hand away and marched toward the stairs, her robe billowing angrily behind her. Laughing, he caught her up and, slipping an arm around her waist, anchored her to his side while they continued descending.

Matilda gazed wistfully at them, then turned to the remaining two Marauders. Peter grumbled something about disgusting public displays of affection, and slouched off after them. She faced Sirius.

Time to buck up, old girl, she thought as she straightened her spine.

He grinned at her and offered her his arm as Remus had to Penny. She hesitated only a fraction of a second before timidly cupping the inside of his elbow.

The others were ahead of them, but they didn’t rush. Matilda sent ganders out the windows they passed, watching tiny, delicate flurries fall from the sky, which was a blank, solid white. The grounds looked smooth and glossed, untouched and serene, by a fresh layer of snow.

Sirius broke their companionable silence. “They’re quite the couple, aren’t they?”

Matilda followed his gaze down a few flights and saw James and Lily on a staircase that led them in the direction of the entrance hall. She nodded. “I never saw it coming. I had always thought she hated him, or at least disliked him, despite his blatant feelings for her. Then Wednesday morning they show up in the Great Hall together and held hands all throughout breakfast. I couldn’t stop staring at them.” She flushed after that admission.

He chuckled. “I can understand that, and you’re not the only person who was thrown by the abrupt relationship. Every single person in this school is wondering what happened.”

Matilda’s brows furrowed. Looking up at him, she asked, “Do _you_ know?”

He helped guide her across a landing and started down another flight. “Shockingly, no, I don’t.” Even he sounded astounded by that fact. “Neither of them will tell me.”

“All I remember is James, then Lily, then you storming out of dinner. You returned, but I didn’t see her or him for the rest of the evening.”

He shook his head. “It’s a mystery, and one I hope they’ll shed light on before too long.” He was quiet a moment, then, “Why have you and Lily starting spending time together?”

She looked up quickly. “Does that bother you?”

He smiled down at her, and she felt her heart turn over. “Of course not. I was merely curious.”

“She’s helping me with a problem I have.”

“What problem’s that?”

Very softly, she said, “That’s none of your business, Sirius Black.”

“Sorry.” He smiled again, as though that would make up for his slight. “I like to know other people’s business. A bad habit, I know, but I’m not ashamed of it.”

She made no comment, though there were half a dozen she could have, half of them reprimands. They shared a slightly awkward pause before he broke it with, “Are you coming to our match tomorrow?”

She tilted her head in thought. “Who’re you playing against?”

“Hufflepuff.” He laughed when her face contracted. “Just joking. Slytherin. We’re playing Slytherin.”

The tension in her shoulders relaxed with relief. She didn’t want to be forced to choose sides. “Well… I have some work left to do for a class…but it shouldn’t take long.” She tilted her head back, smiled shyly. “I guess I could come.”

“You can sit with Lily, then. She always goes. Penny, too.”

“All right.”

A scream rent the air—loud, terrified, unexpected. Matilda didn’t recognize it as her own as she fell through space. Her mind was seized by blind panic, racing with morbid thoughts. _What’s happening? Oh God, what’s happening?!_

Bent at the waist, she dived face first, her arms thrown out and ready to brace against the impact. It never came, though, and she jerked to a stop, jarring her spine. Her head whipped forward, her chin tapping her chest, and burst into a throbbing headache.

“Matilda! Blimey! You all right?” In the distance, past the ringing in her ears, she heard Sirius’s concerned tone. She felt strong, solid arms wrap around her waist and lift her, then gently set on her feet. Groaning, she clutched her head. It was like the drummer for the Gnasty Gnomes was playing a set against her skull.

“What was that?” she slurred. Twisting her back this way and that, she tried to ease the smarting.

On a rare show of perceptiveness, he turned her away from him and kneaded the soreness. Pity in his voice, he informed her, “You stepped on the trick step. Swallowed your leg.”

Oh, God. The trick step. _God_. She hadn’t even seen it, hadn’t been paying attention. She’d fallen right through it.

Once a dork, always a dork, she thought bitterly. Why was it always the losers that had the worst things happen to them at the least opportune moments? Embarrassed, so bloody _humiliated_ , she pulled away from him and started to hurry down the steps, posture shot, her head bent so her hair curtained her burning face. All she wanted was to run to a dark corner and curl into a ball.

Lost in her own misery, she didn’t look back, wouldn’t have dared to look back.

If she had, she would have seen his mouth twitching, shoulders shaking as they held in the mirth.

* * *

 

When Sirius knew she was far, far away, he lowered himself to sit on a step. His laughter burst free, loud and strong, lasting long enough to bring tears to his eyes. As he gasped for breath he scrubbed his hands over his face.

Never had he ever wanted to hold someone as much as he had just moments ago. It terrified him.

* * *

 

“What took you so long? Where’s Matilda?”

As he approached the Gryffindor table, Sirius looked Lily straight in the eye. “She remembered there were some books she’d checked out from the library that had to be returned today before noon.”

“Oh.” Red brows dipped. “She’ll join us though.”

He hummed noncommittally and slipped into a seat next to Peter. Wrinkling his nose at the liquidly soup being served for lunch, he grabbed a large handful of crackers, crushed them in his fists, and mixed them into his bowl to add solidity. As he stirred, the soup turned mushy and lumpy.

Across the table, Penny raised an eyebrow before taking another spoonful of her own soup. Remus nudged her knee with his; they exchanged a look that had them both breaking out in snorts and giggles. Broth made a detour out Penny’s nose. She choked and laughed; Remus tried to wipe her face, but made a clumsy job of it because his hands were shaking from their fits of hilarity.

Sirius watched them as he chewed, his cheeks stuffed with food. He met Peter’s gaze. They both dropped their heads mournfully and swung them slowly from side to side.

Slightly separated from the rest, James and Lily observed their friends for a moment before turning back to their plates. They ate in companionable silence, each thinking their own thoughts. At last Lily spoke. “Penny won’t speak to me.”

He swallowed. “Not your fault.”

“I know.” She swirled the remnants of her soup with her spoon. “I think I want to tell her tonight.”

James nodded. “All right.”

She lifted her head and studied the top of his black head. “Are you going to tell Sirius, Remus, and Peter?”

He reached for another dinner roll from a nearby platter. Propping her elbow on the table and laying her cheek in her palm, she handed him the butter knife they’d been using.

“Yeah, I will.” Roll buttered, he continued eating. “I don’t know how much detail I’ll provide.” He chewed, then Lily watched his throat as it worked. “But I’ll give them the general idea.”

“Right.” She looked back at Penny, who was finally calming down enough to clean herself up. Remus was finishing his meal, chuckling occasionally.

Lily tilted her head. “Think they’ll last?” she inquired softly.

James waited for her to elaborate. When she didn’t, he glanced up and followed her gaze. “Honestly?”

“Mmm.”

“Nah. But they’ll make a good go of it.”

* * *

 

Lily walked quickly, scanning the corridor. No Hufflepuffs. She rounded the corner and spotted a first year Hufflepuff boy straightening his robes near a suit of armor. A book lie face-down on the ground next to him.

Lily flicked her wand, and the boy’s robes sprang to attention. Startled, the boy looked up, then scrambled to his feet.

As a few other students passed by them, he told her, “I was just on my way to the library, Lily. Honest. Peeves knocked me down.”

She smiled. “I know, Pete. You’re not in trouble. I was just wondering if you’d seen Matilda Fraser around. In the Hufflepuff Common Room, perhaps?”

Peter shook his head.  “I haven’t seen her, Lily. Not in the common room or at lunch.”

Lily sighed. She’d looked _every_ where in the castle. “All right. Thanks, Pete. If you do see her, tell her I’m looking for her.”

Nodding, he stepped around her and continued in the direction of the library.

By now she’d figured out that Sirius had been lying and was becoming worried. Where had Matilda run off to? Stretching her rather short legs as far as they could go, she ate up the ground with long strides as she began the mile-long—or at least it seemed that far—trek to the Gryffindor Common Room.

Once there, she told James succinctly that she was going outside and hurried up to her dorm to don her winter cloak.

Lily found her in the middle of the Quidditch Pitch, a book wobbling on her head and her hands shaking as she tried to walk slowly. She teetered, and the book plopped in the snow. A flash of pain contorted Matilda’s face, her sob was white mist in the cold air. Sniffling, she bent to retrieve the book and start over again.

Lily watched as she quietly approached from behind. Just as she reached the other girl, the book took another fall.

“Matilda.”

The girl whirled, startled. Her chin trembled. “I’m working on it, Lily,” she said, her voice whisper-soft.  “I needed more practice.”

She made to reach for the book, but Lily beat her to it. Gripping it tight to her chest, she gazed steadily at her friend. “What happened?”

Matilda glanced down at her shoes. Snow swirled around them, the wind slapped bitterly in the silence.

“I thought I was doing so well.” The Hufflepuff sniffled. “I thought I’d finally begun to leave that girl behind. But I haven’t.”

Lily took a deep breath. “What girl?”

“Me.” She looked up then, with bright green eyes rimmed with red and blurred by tears. “The girl I used to be. The scared one, the one who blended into the walls.” Her arms lifted to wrap around her waist.

Lily studied her a moment, then dropped her head with a sigh. Now dangling the book from one hand at her side, she walked to Matilda and gripped her shoulder hard.

“Matilda.” She waited until the girl mat her gaze, then stared hard. “You are who you are. Nothing, nobody, can change that.”

“Then why are we doing this, you and me?”

Dropping the book in the snow, Lily lifted her other hand to cup Matilda’s rosy cheek. “You can’t change yourself.” She grinned, slowly. “But you can improve. With time, patience, and strength of heart. Matilda, you are _so_ beautiful.” The hand on her shoulder rose to cup the other cheek. “All I wanted to do was help you realize that for yourself.”

The watery eyes turned hopeful. “What about Sirius?” she asked.

“Darling,” Lily replied in a low, full tone, “the only way to make a man notice you is to _be_ noticeable. And to _want_ to be noticeable, you have to have confidence in yourself enough to know you _can_ be noticeable.”

Matilda let that soak in. Then she giggled. “You’re full of it, Lily.”

“Don’t I know it. Now let’s get inside before we have to send our Patronuses out for help.”

Matilda grabbed the book and fell into step beside Lily. After some internal debate, she hesitantly admitted, “I tripped.”

“Ah. That explains everything.” Lily glanced beside her. “Tell me. You’ll feel better.”

She told her about her conversation with Sirius, putting not a little emphasis on the part that nobody knew what had happened between Lily and James, and concluded with her fleeing the scene.

Lily nodded when her companion fell silent. Then she asked, “Have I ever told you about the Sorting Ceremony when I was put into Gryffindor?” She saw a head shake out of the corner of her eye. “Well, I’m Muggleborn, remember, so everything was completely overwhelming. Nothing in my wildest dreams when I was younger could have compared to what I saw when I walked through that brick pillar in King’s Cross Station. Nothing.

“I knew I had to make a good impression. I’d heard the other students whispering about me behind my back on the Hogwart’s Express. I had my back straight, my head high, and my eyes cool. My hands shook a little when my name was called to go up to the Sorting Hat. I had just approached the steps that lead to the high table when I stepped on the hem of my robes. I fell flat on my face, in front of the entire hall. Everyone.”

She decided to leave out the part where she turned around, face burning, to untangle her robes from around her feet and saw James Potter and Peter Pettigrew at the front of the crowd, roaring with laughter. That’s when she’d first started to hate him.

She let Matilda think about that for a moment, then continued, “I straightened, and with all the dignity I knew I had, I walked up to Professor McGonagall and smiled, showing all my teeth. I still swear to this day her lips twitched.”

Matilda smiled. “No wonder you were put in Gryffindor.”

They were nearly to the castle. To Lily’s surprise, she could see James standing just outside the big oak doors, waiting. Watching. For her. The knowledge made her heart turn over.

She reached out to stop Matilda. When she’d turned to look at her, she said, “Matilda, everyone is human. ‘To err is human.’ We all do it. Some of us learn from our mistakes, some don’t. I’d like to think you have.”

The girl nodded once, then turned to go head inside. Lily watched for a moment, then called, “Tomorrow, before the match. Meet me at Lachlan the Lanky.”

She saw an arm rise in a wave. Satisfied, Lily closed the distance to the school. As she reached James, he said, “Everything all right?”

She nodded with a smile, returned his embrace. “It will be. With time, patience, and strength of heart.”

 

**I, personally, hated this chapter. Not really sure why. Anyway, please review and let me know if and why you like this story! And if you don't, tell me!  
~ grape_2010**


	5. Chapter Five

**Please review and let me know if and why you like this story! And if you don't, tell me!  
~ grape_2010 **

**P.S. - I know my information about the Quidditch game wasn't all correct according to canon, but I did my best and bent it a little to suit my own purposes.**

**To lily_evans/Nisha:  In your review you said that chapter four seemed a bit abrupt and random, and you are absolutely correct. It was supposed to be, because there was a  time lapse, going from Tuesday night to Saturday morning. This chapter fills in the gaps and helps everything make sense. As to the fast pace, that's just how I write. I think it's because I'm an impatient person by nature. ;) Also, I'm glad you enjoy my portrayal of the characters; I get the most comments on that aspect of my writing. Thank you for reviewing, I really appreciated it! :)**

__

_The girl nodded once, then turned to go head inside. Lily watched for a moment, then called, “Tomorrow, before the match. Meet me at Lachlan the Lanky.”_ __

She saw an arm rise in a wave. Satisfied, Lily closed the distance to the school. As she reached James, he said, “Everything all right?”

She nodded with a smile, returned his embrace. “It will be. With time, patience, and strength of heart.”  


 

He stared at her, then exploded in a snort.  “Right. You are so full of it, Lily.”

Pouting, she let him slip his arm around her shoulders and lead her into the warmth of the castle. “That’s what she said.”

“Then it’s most likely true.” He laughed and held her fast when she humphed and tried to pull away. He turned them to the right at the main staircase. “I’m hungry.”

“We just ate lunch a couple of hours ago!”

“And I’ve been hungry for a couple of hours.”

They reached a large painting that depicted a bowl of fruit. Releasing Lily, James raised his arm and tickled the pear. It giggled and morphed into a door handle. James clasped Lily’s hand, then walked into the kitchens.

“I’m going to get fat while I’m pretending to date you.”

“Nah. You’re too much of a control freak.” He picked up a large tray of assorted chocolates from the “Gryffindor table.” “You can restrain yourself from succumbing to temptation…” He circled the plate in front of her face, taunting her. “…Right?”

World War Three waged a bloody battle in her mind, then her will waved the white flag. She snatched up a heart-shaped chocolate and popped it into her mouth while he chuckled. “Bite me,” she invited around the caramel filling. Swallowing, she eyed his stomach and commented lightly, “At least I don’t have a jelly belly…”

He grabbed a cream puff off a random tray and mashed it against her mouth.

They asked the elves, who all seemed whole-heartedly devoted to “Master Potter,” for some sliced apples to munch on as they made their way up to Gryffindor Tower.

When they entered the Common Room, Lily was holding the bowl of fruit, and James had one arm hooked around her waist while the other retrieved apple slices. They knew there were more than a few speculative looks sent their way, but they pretended nothing was out of the ordinary.

Lily graciously accepted the last piece when James offered it to her, then she kissed him on the cheek, whispering in his ear, “I’m going to go tell her—if she’ll listen to me,” and went to find Penny upstairs.

James joined the other three Marauders at a table near the fire. They were slouching, shoulders hunched, looking completely bored.

“I’ll figure this out, you know,” Sirius vowed as he glared at his best mate. “Lily can’t all of a sudden love you when she had hated you for so long. Hell, she hated you less than a week ago!”

“You’ll never understand what’s between us, Padfoot,” James replied honestly, pulling up a chair. “I don’t know if I understand it myself.” He leaned forward to finger the abandoned deck of Exploding Snap cards. “Anybody up for a go? I’m feeling right lucky.”

_____________________________

Lily didn’t knock; why would she need to? It’s her dorm, too. Just because Penny was upset with her at the moment didn’t mean she couldn’t go into her own room. Opening the door, she stepped over the threshold and was relieved to see it was just Penny doing some homework and that none of their roommates were around.

Penny didn’t look up, didn’t say a word. Lily sighed inwardly and slowly walked into the room.

“If you don’t want to speak to me, fine,” she began, “but because I hate when there’s tension in our relationship, I’ll tell you what’s going on between James and me.”

For a moment there was no reaction before Penny glanced up at Lily and then down at a spot next to her on her bed. Knowing an invitation when she saw one, Lily quickly made herself comfortable, leaning back against the fluffy pillows Penny brought from home because she couldn’t stand the ones that the school provided.

Without waiting for a cue, she began. “Tuesday night—you remember, James blew up, stomped out of dinner, then I followed?” She purposefully left out the part where Sirius followed _her_ , hoping Penny wouldn’t think to ask about that. “I went up to James’s dorm and told him I didn’t want him hung up on me anymore. He, well, wasn’t in any better a mood than he’d been in at dinner…”

____________________________________________________

He pushed his raging face into hers. “I’d have to say, personally, that after all you’ve put me through, I’m a man. As a man, if I didn’t love you, would I dream about you?” She tried to draw a breath to speak, but he gave her a shake and went on. “Would I see you, night after night, wreaking havoc in my mind, where I couldn’t control you even if I’d tried? Would I dream we were making love, or that you were lost and I couldn’t find you, or that you lied before me on the floor, your blood on my hands? Would I wake up, sweating and crying, wanting what I can’t have and hating myself for it?”

“You’re scaring me,” she whispered.

He smiled at her, an evil twist of lips. “I scare myself, Lily.”

They locked gazes, and for one long, silent moment, they knew only each other’s presence.  Finally he sighed and took a step back, his head bowing in defeat. She stayed where she was, still watching him.

“Don’t love you,” he mumbled, as though to himself. “If only I were so fortunate.”

That stung, though she’d never admit it. Her brows furrowed. “James,” she said quietly.

He looked up, and it seemed to her as if the shadows under his eyes had gotten darker. He looked weary, with her, with himself, with the situation.

“I want you to leave me alone,” she whispered. She didn’t know it, but there was pity in her eyes, wells of it. “Please. Just leave me alone.”

She couldn’t have counted how many times she’d said those same exact words. They’d made him angry, they’d made him hurt, they’d made him heartbroken. But never had they brought that bleak, hopeless daze to his hazel eyes.

After a tense, thoughtful pause, he nodded and walked back to the window, resuming the position she’d found him in:  back turned, shoulders slumped, mind lost.

Not knowing what else to do, she wiped her sweaty hands on her skirt, took a ragged breath, and turned toward the door.

Just as she was reaching for the knob, he mumbled something. She glanced back. “Beg pardon?”

“See you.”

Her eyes studied his back, then dropped to the floor near her feet. “Oh. Right.” She opened the door.

And closed her eyes tight.  She couldn’t leave it like this. If only they were yelling and angry, then it would have felt right to walk out on him. But now it would only feel like she was kicking him while he was down. Pursing her lips, she turned around.

He was staring at her with a grimly bemused expression on his face. Startled, she inhaled sharply, then sighed, lowering her own eyes.

“Could we at least try to be friends?” Her question was thick, heavy, and seemed to hang in the air, drooping.

Slowly he shook his head.

“All right.” She shifted her weight from one leg to the other, reached up to rub her neck in a discomfited gesture.  Then she planted her feet square and raised her chin, looking at him stonily. “But I won’t be your enemy anymore.”

She figured that was the perfect line to stomp out on. She whirled and had one foot out the door when his voice caused her pause yet again.

“Not friends, not enemies.” She turned to see him raise his arms, palm up, in a hopeless gesture. “Then what are we?”

“Acquaintances,” she snapped. “School mates.”

Again he shook his head, started walking toward her, hands in his pockets. “Impossible. We know each other too well.”

“We most certainly do not!” She watched him warily.

“Of course we do.” He came to stand before her. “And the only kinds of relationships to suit how well we know each other are fraternal and romantic.”

“That’s exactly what I just asked, if we could have a fraternal relationship.”

He raised an eyebrow. “And I said no, we could not. Therefore, the only other logical relationship we could share is a romantic one. So—”

“Hold on.” She waited until he looked at her expectantly. “ _Why_ can’t we be friends?”

A smile that could only be described as sly stretched his lips as he leaned in close to drawl, “Because, _darling_ , we know so much about each other, and most of that knowledge is intimate—carnal, even.”

She gazed blankly at him. “Right.”

He took on a concerned expression. “Is something wrong, _darling_?”

“Yes, actually. I do believe you’ve gone completely, absolutely mad.”

“Quite, yes.” He grinned. “That is why I’m about to propose what I am.”

“Oh, God. I _don’t_ want to know.” She whipped around on her heel then.

He followed her to the stairs that led down to the Gryffindor common room. “It’s rather an interesting proposition; you’ll want to hear it, I swear.”

“Somehow I doubt it.”

“Fine. I’ll continue to follow you around everywhere, asking you to marry me. Will you, Lily? Will you marry me?”

“Oh, you bloody idiot!” She turned and met him straight on. “ _What_ do you _want_?”

“For you and I to share a romantic relationship,” he said simply.

“James,” she groaned. “I don’t _want_ to have a romantic relationship with you. I never _have_ , that was our problem.”

“Now you’re getting it, Lily!” he cheered.

She glared, and waited.

He shifted to lean his back against the stone wall, crossing his arms over his chest. “On the grounds of you not feeling anything remotely romantic for a certain male Gryffindor, who has expressed quite a lot of feeling for _you_ , my proposition is for you to pretend to date him, pretend to be in love with the man…for two weeks.”

She eyes him speculatively. “And if I do?”

“There could be two results:  one, you end up falling in love with him for real and living happily ever after; or two, you still dislike him. If that’s the case, then he’ll leave you alone forevermore.”

She really didn’t want to play his stupid games, but if it meant he would leave her alone, _finally_ , she figured this was a pretty fair way to get him to realize it wasn’t going to happen.  It couldn’t be very hard to _not_ fall in love with him.

“Deal.”

______________________________________

“Blimey.” Penny stared, her eyebrows slowly coming together. “So now I understand why you two act cheesy when walking on the beaten path, but do you two still hold hands and stuff away from everyone else?”

“We decided for the deal it had to be two _full_ weeks, not just a quick peck on the cheek when somebody’s looking. Besides, even if there are no students around, in Hogwarts, someone’s always watching.”

Penny nodded, understanding. “This explains a lot.” She glanced up quickly, a smirk stealing over her face. “Are you counting down?”

Lily showed her the backs of her dainty fingers; four had X’s drawn on the knuckles.

Penny gave a bark of laughter. “You only have ten fingers. What’ll you do when you get to Day Eleven?”

“Toes.”

________________________________________________ 

The next morning dawned bright and early. A fresh snow had fallen overnight, blanketing everything in a gleaming white coat. The sun illuminated the clear, reflective blue sky. It was a beautiful day.

In the seventh year girls’ dormitory, positioned in a chair so that brilliant morning light would shine upon her face, Matilda looked at it, but didn’t see it.

“Oh, honestly. It’s just a bit of powder.” Lily twirled the blush applicator between her thumb and forefinger.

Wringing her hands, Matilda warily eyed the petal-pink dust. “Do I really need blusher?”

Lily leaned back, studying. The girl’s face was luminous already, naturally made up by being put on the spot. She glanced at Penny for her opinion; her friend shrugged.

“I suppose not.”  She laid down the brush, then watched Matilda fidget. “That’s it, then.”

“Done?” Hope leapt into Matilda’s eyes.

“Done,” Lily confirmed. She handed her a hand mirror.

Before Matilda had come to Lily for help, she’d been chubby, with a double chin cushioning her throat, hair a frizzy brown mess due to lack of care and use of the wrong products, nails jagged and broken, bitten to the quick, skin dry and pale, lips chapped, and confidence at an all-time low.

After Matilda had come to Lily, she had stood up straight, slimming her figure in the right places and gaining the appearance of a confident, assertive female. She no longer thought herself stupid, or at least helplessly incapable of learning. She knew she didn’t have to be an outcast if she didn’t want to be, but instead could make herself into a person that was fresh, unique, and different.

As Matilda gazed at herself in the mirror, she saw that Lily hadn’t done anything like frosting a cake. Rather, she had shined a rusty buckle. A soft shadow of dark powder lined her whiskey eyes and made them stand out like a beacon in a storm. Her lashes were the same chestnut-colored brown as her hair, but now they emphasized her eyes with a coat of inky black. After several days of religiously applying lip balm, her lips were healed, soft and full.

“Funny thing is,” Lily commented, “I hardly put anything on you. You’re naturally scrumdiddlyumptious.”

Both Penny and Matilda looked at her blankly.

“Charlie and the Choc… It’s a Muggle thing.” Lily hastily moved toward her trunk. “Let me see your hands, Matilda.”

_________________________________________________________ 

“Look—there’s Remus.”

Penny, Lily, and Matilda had arrived at the pitch, bundled up in their winter cloaks and house scarves. Ignoring the white vapor they produced each time they exhaled, they had kept climbing the stairs to the top of the stands. Penny had scanned the crowd immediately. She pointed, though it wasn’t necessary—several people turned to look and see who calm, quiet Remus was waving at so enthusiastically.

The stands were filling up with students and teachers alike, while the Gryffindor and Slytherin Quidditch teams were nowhere to be seen. Matilda kept close behind Lily, avoiding eye contact with those who stared instantly or had to double-take as she passed by.

“Am I not supposed to sit with a different house?” she whispered as they neared the seats Remus and Peter had saved for them.

“It’s fine, don’t worry.” Lily glanced back and saw that Matilda was nervously eyeing the patch of Hufflepuff students sitting next to the Gryffindors. She elbowed her gently. “As Head Girl, I know the rules, even for Quidditch matches. A student can sit anywhere in the stands he or she wants. It’s just that the houses typically like to cheer as one for their own.”

Matilda nodded, satisfied. Lily faced forward again to watch where she was stepping; at first she was startled to find Peter gazing at her, then she realized he was fixed on something—some _one_ —behind her. She grinned to herself and surreptitiously informed her friend, “Don’t look now, but one particular Marauder has definitely noticed you.”

Who hasn’t, Matilda wondered to herself. Though she knew it was only her imagination, it seemed like everyone was staring at her. Ironically, she found herself just as self-conscious to everyone’s stares now, when she was supposedly pretty, as she had when she had thought herself an ugly nerd.

Penny had shot ahead and was already deep into conversation with Remus; Lily aimed to protect Matilda as much as she could and took the seat next to Peter. They were chatting with the students sitting around them, waiting for the match to begin, when suddenly a boy spoke above the whole lot. Lily recognized him as a fifth year Gryffindor with a reputation among the opposite sex. Indeed, he and another boy she assumed to be one of his best friends were sitting surrounded by girls. She was momentarily ashamed they were Gryffindors.

“Oy, Lily, who’s your friend?” With an I’m-King-of-the-World smirk (one she briefly remembered adorning James Potter’s face for a time), he nodded in Matilda’s direction.

“This is Matilda, a Hufflepuff,” she replied shortly.

“Matilda…” he murmured, thinking. He sat up and turned further around in his seat. “Funny, I don’t recall you,” he said, addressing Matilda directly this time. “And I _would_ recall you,” he added as his eyes leisurely perused her.

“I’ve been here.” She generously offered him a tight, pleasant smile, then looked over him toward the empty pitch, effectively dismissing him from her attention.

The boy’s pride was wounded, but he didn’t want anyone to know it, so he laughed it off as though she’d made a joke and turned back around.

Just then the announcer, a small third year Ravenclaw boy, announced into the microphone, loud and clear, “And here come the teams Slytherin and Gryffindor!” He gave a slight squeal, his face stretched into a broad, gleeful grin, and clapped his hands. “This ought to be good.”

Even Matilda, who’d never been to a Quidditch match ever, knew that. The age-old rivalry that simmered between the Gryffindor and Slytherin houses always managed to come to a head once a year during the Gryffindor versus Slytherin Quidditch match.

Seven players dressed in green and silver and toting broomsticks marched onto the pitch from under the stands; seven more players donned in scarlet and gold entered from under the stands on the opposite side of the field, making tracks in the snow. Lily could hear her imagination drumming out a primitive beat to match their footsteps. Boos and cheers were called for both sides as the crowd all stood (though to Matilda it seemed that most of the boos were aimed at the “filthy snakes”).

Lily watched James stop his team halfway to the center of pitch. They mounted their broomsticks and kicked off as one in perfect formation, James in front, then the other two Chasers, followed by the Beaters, the Keeper in their wake, and the Seeker brought up the rear. They flew together the rest of the way to meet the Slytherins, who waited to fly until they had reached the center.

As she watched his face, the stern, fierce solidity of it, she was abruptly struck with a revelation: that boy is _all mine_ , a voice in her head purred. She saw his strong, lean shoulders straighten as he faced the Slytherin captain. They shook hands briefly, nodded in agreement to whatever the resident Quidditch expert said, then nodded to their teammates—in an instant they all zoomed off in different directions to take their positions.

Lily saw James turn his head in her direction as he started to do a quick lap around the field. He seemed to make up his mind, and before she fully realized it, he was speeding right at her. Her eyes got big and she leaned back where she stood, as though that would put more distance between them. When he pulled up just short of her above the stands, he was laughing—at her terrified look, she presumed. Then he reached out, dug his gloved fingers into her hair, and bent to kiss her smack on the mouth.

Her eyes closed, not because the kiss was romantic, but so she didn’t have to see the shocked faces of those around her. It was their first actual kiss as a “couple”; he pressed hard and lingered, as though he was branding her and informing everyone of his claim at the same time.

Then he whipped around and was off in a blink. Lily was breathing heavily, staring dazedly after him to the tune of catcalls and jeers from fellow students. Peter looked confused, Penny was roaring with laughter, and Remus looked crossed between the wants to laugh and gasp.

“Can he do that?” Matilda whispered after a pause, her tone deep with awe.

Lily swallowed hard and tried to breathe evenly. “He just did.”

_________________________________________________________

After five hours, Slytherin was leading with twenty-five points, whereas Gryffindor only had fifteen. After the Gryffindor Chasers’ last attempt at scoring, which was quickly blocked by the Slytherin Keeper, Remus had leaned over Peter to confide to Lily, “They’ve been practicing.”

Lily had tried to attend at least two of the three Gryffindor matches every year, but last year she was only able to make it to Gryffindor versus Hufflepuff. She always had confidence in her house’s ability to win, but had known next to nothing about the Slytherins’ prowess, aside from the biased remarks of “They couldn’t win a match if the Snitch fell right into the Seeker’s hand!” from various members of her house.

Now, however, she could see that the Gryffindors were well matched. She always found it interesting that, in the case of the Gryffindor team, the beaters were macho men, whereas in the case of the Slytherin team, the beaters were always the ugliest of the lot, bulky and hulking over their poor, tiny little broomsticks.

She watched Sirius as he whacked a Bludger that was making a beeline for James. She’d seen him briefly that morning at breakfast; she and Penny were just heading down to the Great Hall when the Quidditch team was just leaving to prepare for the match. James had just given her a good-morning peck on the cheek in passing when she’d glanced to the side. Sirius had shot her a nasty, suspicious glare that said outright, “I hope to hell and back you know whatever it is you’re doing.”

She shivered at the memory. She concluded that James hadn’t yet told his mates about their deal, and that Sirius must think she was leading on the same best friend he’d warned her not to lead on. Little did he know, if anyone was being led on, it was _him_.

Suddenly the crowd leapt to their feet, arms in the air and shouting. Lily was jerked into standing by a very overly-enthused Peter, who tugged on her arm and yelled, “They scored, they scored!” Sure enough, the announcer called out, “Ten points for Gryffindor! That brings the two teams even with twenty-five each!”

The next hour was grueling as both teams fought to keep the other from scoring, yet trying to score themselves. One Gryffindor Chaser was taken out by a Bludger, and the referee called a time-out so that the reserve Chaser could be prepped before joining the game.

“I’m hungry,” Matilda hesitantly complained.

Lily gave her a smile of understanding. “On match days, no one eats lunch, because the game usually takes all day, at the very least, and there’s only a handful of people who _don’t_ attend. But don’t worry; there’s an unofficial feast for dinner— _if_ the match is done by then.”

“What do you mean, if?”

“Oh, matches could take days, weeks, or months, even.” Lily bit back a laugh at the look on Matilda’s face. “Matches at Hogwarts rarely take longer than the weekend straight, but I’ve read in _Hogwarts, A History_ that once a match between Gryffindor and Slytherin took ten days. It was a record, one yet to be broken.”

Remus, who had been half-listening as well, leaned over Peter again. “It only took so long because the Gryffindor Seeker—both the starter and the reserve—were knocked unconscious within the first hour of the match. Most still think, though it was never proved, that it was a conspiracy. The referee had disappeared, so no one could call a forfeit. It was up to the Slytherin Seeker to catch the Snitch and end the game; needless to say, that Seeker was blind as bat on the clearest day.”

“So the game can only be ended if the Snitch is caught?” Matilda asked.

“Right,” Lily confirmed. Curious, not patronizing, she then inquired, “Don’t you know about Quidditch, Matilda?”

Color rose to her cheeks, which had gone pale in the chilly February breeze. “Well, I don’t really follow the sport…and I’ve never been to a match before now.”

Peter drew out of the game for a moment and gaped openly at her, while Remus hid his reaction by replying to a tactfully-timed comment of Penny’s.

Lily just smiled. “I didn’t even know such a sport existed until I came to Hogwarts, and even then I wasn’t avid about it, so don’t feel bad. I only attend the matches every once and a while.”

Matilda smiled in thanks, and the match resumed.

The Slytherin Keeper, who hadn’t been paying attention and flew straight into a goalpost, was rushed to the hospital wing. The reserve hadn’t been trained as well as the starter, and the Gryffindor Chasers found it much easier to score against him. Within another three hours, the score had been broken, and both scores rose, though Gryffindor’s considerably faster, bringing them sixty to fourty-five.

The winter day being short, the sun had already sunk below the horizon, and the stadium lights were turned on. Despite them, the Seekers were still at a disadvantage, because the Snitch didn’t have strict boundaries. The Gryffindor Beater that was not Sirius was playing with a broken arm, the result of being off on his aim as he tried to hit a Bludger. The Keeper had nearly fallen off his broomstick once as he reached for, and missed, the Quaffle.

When she knew it had to be nearly seven o’clock, Lily was just wondering how many days it would take for circulation to return to her behind when a Gryffindor spectator screamed, “The Seekers!” The crowd stood again to watch as first the Gryffindor Seeker went into a sharp dive, followed by the Slytherin Seeker. The Gryffindor Seeker pulled back abruptly and zoomed off in the opposite direction; the Slytherin Seeker was slow to catch on to the fact that he had been duped. When he finally realized, the Gryffindor Seeker had fallen off her broomstick as she made a wild grab for the Snitch.

The stands gasped as one, and the teachers pulled out their wands to slow the girl’s descent to the snow. Before they could cast a spell, however, James, laughing and whooping, flew to the girl and caught her on his broomstick. There, the girl faced the announcer’s booth and waved her hand, which was closed in a fist around something gold.

“SHE’S GOT THE SNITCH! GRYFFINDOR WINS TWO-THIRTY-FIVE TO SIXTY!!” squealed the announcer.

“Just so you know,” Peter panted to Matilda as they all made their way down to the pitch to congratulate the winning team, “this is usually the result of a Gryffindor versus Slytherin match.”

Matilda glanced at Lily, not sure what he meant.

“Gryffindor wins!” he yelled, and ran off in James’s direction.

_________________________________________________________

Much later, after the delicious and bountiful feast in the Great Hall, and the one that followed in the Gryffindor Common Room, Lily, as Head Girl, set off to walk through the corridors on each floor to make sure there were no after-party stragglers. Matilda was with her, having been snuck into the Gryffindor common room to join the celebration with her new friends.

Wands lit, they talked about inconsequential things as they slowly made their way down the six flights of stairs to the Entrance Hall. Only once did they find someone in a place they shouldn’t be: a couple snogging in a broom cupboard on the third floor.

When they reached the first floor, Matilda finally brought up the subject that both had been waiting to discuss. “He never even spoke to me,” she said quietly as they slowly made their way toward the door that led to the Hufflepuff common room.

“No, but I saw him looking at you quite a bit,” Lily replied. “If McGonagall had come in fifteen minutes later, I think he would have approached you.” That failed to perk her friend up, so Lily gently nudged her with her shoulder. “I think he was avoiding us—actually I’m pretty sure he was avoiding _me_ , and you just happened to be avoided indirectly, too, since you stayed near me.”

Matilda turned her head, brows frowning. “Why would he be avoiding you?”

As she told Penny before, in Hogwarts there was always someone watching, therefore probably listening as well, so Lily whispered to Matilda the deal she’d made with James. “Sirius doesn’t know what’s going on yet, and it’s making him crazy. He doesn’t like me so much right now. _That_ is why he would be avoiding me.”

“Oh. Hmm…” hummed Matilda. “This situation you’ve gotten yourself into could be an advantage to us.”

Interested, Lily cocked her head. “How so?” They still spoke in low voices.

“I spend time with you, and Sirius spends time with James. You’re stuck with James for the next several days, therefore making it likely that we’ll all be together. Often.”

“I see…” They stopped and stood close together, heads bent as they conspired. “Tomorrow’s Monday and we’ve got separate classes,” Lily continued, “but you can come eat breakfast and dinner with me. All right?” Matilda nodded. “Right. You’ve got the cosmetics I gave you and you remember how to put them on?” The girl patted her pocket. “Good. See you in the morning, then.” They smiled at each other and went their separate directions.

Lily walked the lengths of each corridor one last time as she made her way up. She heard it first on the third floor—very quiet, steady footsteps behind her own. They weren’t hurrying to keep up, so Lily deduced that who—or what, for that matter, it being Hogwarts and all—ever was following her, it had a long stride.

She could think of two people it would probably be: James or Peeves the poltergeist. Then she could have hit herself in the head; Peeves hovered, not walked, he wouldn’t have a long stride in any case, and he wasn’t exactly subtle in his pranks.

By the time she’d reached the sixth floor, the footsteps were still there, stalking her, and she was pretty confident it was James planning to scare the daylights out of her (and probably not having a hard time watching the back of her as she walked). She took a deep breath, then calmly said, “I know you’re there, James.”

She didn’t expect it. Before she’d even finished speaking, the footsteps began to run. The next second, a large hand covered her mouth and another wrapped around her waist after knocking her wand out of her hand. It hit the floor and her _Lumos_ spell deactivated. Instantly she struggled, bucking and waving her arms. She didn’t hear her captor open a door, then shut it.

“Stop—ow!—stop it!” said a deep voice.

The adrenaline just getting started, she threw a wild punch in the dark. Her fist connected with something warm and solid; the sharp expulsion of air told her she’d hit whoever it was in the stomach.

“Damn it, Lily!” came a gasp. “Stop!”

The voice finally permeated her mind, and recognition occurred. “Sirius?”

“Yeah.” She heard him do some deep breathing, probably recovering from her blow. “Damn, you punch _hard_.”

“Adrenaline,” she said simply. Then she stomped her foot. “You prat! What were you playing at, grabbing me like that? You scared  me.” She let her shoulders droop as delayed reaction set in by way of trembling. She rubbed her arms to chase away the gooseflesh. “I thought you were James.”

“So I heard,” he said dryly. Suddenly there was a burst of light as he lit his wand; Lily was temporarily blinded.

With the light, she realized he’d dragged her into an unused classroom. Annoyed and not a little tired, she demanded peevishly, “What are you on about?”

“What am _I_ on about?” He faced her, and the shadows playing over his face made it look all the more ominous. “What are _you_ on about?”

“ _Me?_ I haven’t _done_ anything!”

“Except stroll about, carrying on with James as though you’re suddenly in love with him.”

“Who says I’m not?”

“Lily, stop it!” he bellowed, seeming to be near his wits’ end. “I’m not having it. Something’s going on, and neither of you are telling me about it.”

“Why do you have to know? It’s our business.”

There was a pause, then he sighed. “Besides the fact that James’s business is usually my business, too, I…just don’t want either of you to get hurt in this little game of yours I know nothing about.”

She softened. “We won’t get hurt.”

“I think I can make a good guess at what it is you two are doing, and if I’m right, I’m not so sure it’s _you_ I have to worry about getting hurt.”

She cast her eyes down, because she knew he was right. “We’ll be fine.”

She saw his feet take a step until his toes were touching hers. Looking up quickly, she almost bumped her head on his chin. Having an idea about where this was heading, she placed a warning hand on his chest. “This time I actually _am_ James’s property. Sort of. Temporarily.”

“Well, if you’re only _sort of_ James’s property…” Never breaking eye contact, he slowly raised his hands to bury them in her mass of curls. “…I think one kiss will be all right…” He leaned in, and she closed her eyes as he lightly kissed her forehead. “…Besides…” Her chin. “…He doesn’t have to know.” And then his lips—those soft, full lips—settled over hers.

Her hands rose to grip his forearms. He didn’t start out light as he had before, but dove right in, parting her lips and invading. He knew the territory this time, and he didn’t waste a moment.

Somewhere in the back of her mind, Lily knew she could—and probably should—pull away. Then she tried to reason why she shouldn’t feel guilty for not doing so. She wasn’t _technically_ James’s girlfriend, only pretending to be...however, she knew she wouldn’t be kissing another boy if she _were_ his real girlfriend, and since she’s supposed to be pretending she _is_ his real girlfriend… She gave it up and put herself into the kiss.

Clothes rustled, lips sucked. Moans, both hers and his, echoed in the still room. Their arms were constantly shifting, trying to pull the other closer. At one point his wand dropped to the floor and went out, plunging them into complete black. In the darkness, his hands sought the buttons that ran down the front of her white uniform blouse. She never realized he’d opened her shirt until she felt his strong fingers rubbing her delicate skin.

She couldn’t help it—twitching, she drew back in giggles. “That tickles!”

There was a moment in which nothing could be heard but quickened breathing. Then he let out a huff of laughter. “Of course.”

The mood broken, Lily’s mind started working again. As she regained her breath, she also regained her sanity.

“Oh.” It was a whisper. “Oh, no...no, no, no.” She felt heat rise to her cheeks as she refastened her blouse. She was embarrassed even though she knew he couldn’t see her in the darkness. “I’m going to bed. Now, right now.”

He laughed dryly again, picking up his wand and relighting it. “I don’t suppose I could join you.” It was more a statement than a question, as though he already knew what the answer would have been anyway.

“Ha ha…no.” Clothes straightened, she headed for the door.

He snagged her wrist, pulled her back. When she heartily resisted, he assured her, “I won’t kiss you again, however much I may want to.” He gathered her in and rested his forehead on hers. “ _Why_ can’t I resist you, Lily Evans?”

“I don’t know,” she said sincerely. Sighing, she pushed away. “But you’re going to have to. Good night.”

Making sure to grab her wand off the ground in the corridor, she went to bed.

 

 

 

 


	6. Chapter Six

It wasn’t until Penny was shaking her awake the next morning that Lily realized she’d forgotten to set her alarm. Glancing at the clock as she whipped off the bedclothes, she saw she had under an hour to get showered, dressed, and eat breakfast.

“How late were you out patrolling last night?” Penny asked as she buttoned her own blouse. It was only she and Lily left in their dorm, everyone else having gone down to breakfast.

Lily dried and styled her hair with her wand, then started to swipe on a minimal amount of cosmetics while looking in a hand mirror. “Er…well, the party in the common room lasted until midnight, then…I think it was a little under two hours to check every corridor going down, then back up.”

“Think you’ll make it long on barely five hours of sleep?”

Lily put the hand mirror away and crouched next her bed to grab her shoes from underneath. “I sit next to you in all but two classes, so pinch me if I start to nod off. Thank goodness I didn’t leave any homework for this morning,” she added. “I hate Mondays.”

“You and the rest of the sane world.”

Ten minutes later, plump school bags slung on their backs, Penny was walking next to her as they made their way down to the Great Hall. Lily had a black marker in her right hand; she marked off day six on her left.

“So now that you’ve got Matilda all done up, how are you going to get her and Sirius together?” Penny wondered aloud, careful to look and make sure no one was around.

Lily sighed, rolling her neck as though to work out the kinks. “I have no idea. Maybe have them get stuck somewhere together on ‘accident.’ Matilda thinks it should be easy to be around him a lot, seeing as James and I will be together a lot.”

“Mm-hmm.” Penny nodded thoughtfully. “Maybe, I don’t know, it could be the four of you doing something, then you could pull James away and leave those two alone.”

“I’ll try to think of something throughout the day, then pull it off tonight. If I’m still alive.”

Penny laughed, stepped forward, and tugged open the huge door that led into the Great Hall.

There was a hum of conversation as students and teachers ate. Some were holding parcels, meaning Lily and Penny had missed the mail. They spotted their group at the Gryffindor table and walked over. Penny beelined for the space Remus had saved for her, and Lily took a seat between James and Peter, across from Sirius. Lily was surprised and pleased to see that Matilda sat next to Sirius.

James swallowed what was in his mouth, then leaned over to kiss Lily. He lingered, putting his arm around her to pull her closer as he kissed her a second time.

“Mmm,” he hummed low in his throat. Opening his eyes, he leaned back and grinned. “You’re late.”

In her peripheral vision, Lily saw Sirius hunched over his plate, industrially shoveling biscuits and gravy into his mouth. She delicately patted James’s arm so that he would remove it from around her shoulders. “I most certainly am not,” she replied loftily. “I’m simply not as early as usual.”

Laughing, James drove his fork into a sausage link. “Of course. There was little mail today. All I got was the _Daily Prophet_.”

“Let me see it.” She wasn’t fanatical about keeping up with current events, but it was always interesting to skim through while she ate. Unless… “Oh, no,” she murmured quietly. James, chewing, glanced over, saw what she was looking at, and let his shoulders slump.

It was a headline on the front page:  **MORE MUGGLES MURDERED**. There was a large moving picture that showed the ruins of a house in a neighborhood somewhere in Muggle London. All that was left was jagged bits of foundation; lazily wafting upwards into the ironically blue sky was a column of smoke, a remnant of the explosion reported to have occurred sometime last night.

“That’s terrible.” Matilda tried to crane her head higher over the table for a better look.

“It’s terrible, all right.” James took the paper away from Lily, not liking the worried look on her face. Folding it and placing it on the bench next to them, he began eating his breakfast again. “I’m sure they’re fine,” he said in a low voice so only she could here. He patted her thigh gently under the table.

Breathing deeply through her nose, she picked up her fork and dug into her own meal. She knew better than to make herself upset over worrying for her family—her _Muggle_ family. But yet she could never seem to completely forget that they were living defenseless against a threat that put them at risk only because they couldn’t perform magic.

When she’d gone home for the winter holidays, she’d sat them down, her mother, her father, and her older sister, and told them about the menace who had made himself known in the Wizarding World as a man who hated Muggles, hated people who like Muggles, and hated Muggle-born Wizards; to bring home what she was telling them, she showed them clippings from the _Daily Prophet_ about the hundreds of murders and disasters that had happened and were related to this man—

Lord Voldemort.

Just thinking his name made her want to shiver, but she managed not to. She’d expressed her concern for them, had warned them to be wary. No one knew who or when he or his followers, aka Death Eaters, would strike.

Wanting to take her mind away from her thoughts, she abruptly asked anyone and everyone, “Who likes clowns?”

An involuntary shudder ran through Penny. She glared at Lily. “I _hate_ clowns, and you know it, you little _witch_.”

Remus turned to her, the corner of his mouth tilted up. “You hate clowns? Why?”

“Because they’re always happy and smiley and creepy and…I wouldn’t be surprised if some serial killer worked as a clown at kids’ birthday parties by day.” She took a long sip of her pumpkin juice. “There’s just something _wrong_ about being so perky and cheerful. And those big, phony giggles…the huge, clumsy feet… It’s like a drunken Bigfoot dressed like a rainbow.”

Three seats down, Sirius gave a bark of laughter.

Penny pursed her lips and straightened her shoulders, glaring at him. “It’s not funny!”

“I’m scared of heights,” Matilda volunteered. She didn’t see why Penny’s fear of clowns should be made fun of, so she offered her own in sympathy. Smiling shyly, she admitted, “I didn’t do so well when they tried to teach me to fly a broomstick.”

Sirius sobered, turning to her with an incredulous expression on his face. “You can’t fly?”

Not looking at him, she nervously played with her hair as she shook her head.

“I’m frightened of spiders, though I don’t believe to a degree so as to call it a phobia,” Lily chipped in. There was a pause as all her companions nodded understandingly. She eyed James expectantly.

At first Lily thought he was going to arrogantly pronounce that he wasn’t afraid of anything, but instead he surprised her by saying simply, “Thunderstorms.”

“Thunderstorms,” she repeated, gazing at him with incredulity. “Really?”

He shrugged. “Whenever I hear a clap of thunder or see a flash of lightning, I’m humbled by the realization that…there are things in this world that are not tamable, things that are greater than any person, Muggle or Wizard, could be. To be reminded that there are things beyond the grasp of our minds, reminded that it is truly not we, humans, who rule…it intimidates me.”

There was a moment of silence during which everyone stared at James.

Then Sirius said earnestly, “ _That_ scared _me_.”

Everyone laughed. The tension broke, he continued, “Females. The nerve-wracking, most confounding creatures to inhabit the Earth.” He locked gazes with Lily and raised his glass of juice in salute to her.

She blinked, then indifferently turned her attention to Matilda, lifting some egg up to her mouth. “What’s your day to be like?”

Matilda briefly described her classes and what she was currently studying in each. Lily nodded, and everyone (all of whom were seventh years, except Matilda) reminisced. Soon it was time to go to class. Students stood from their tables, wrapped up their conversations, and dispersed.

“See you at dinner?” Lily asked Matilda as she swung her bag over her shoulder.

Matilda rolled her eyes in mock annoyance and gave a long-suffering sigh. “I suppose, if I must.”

_________________________________

Lily only dozed off in one class, and that was Divination. Penny had refused to enroll in the class, saying that it was filled with nothing but “poppycock” and “erroneous supposition.” Lily, however, thought it was an interesting subject, though she might not completely believe in it herself. What put her to sleep that day was the fact that one student, a Ravenclaw troublemaker, had offended the teacher and she launched into a full lecture on how the student “doesn’t appreciate the sheer wonder of the world of divination” and how the student “needed to have a serious attitude adjustment.”

When it was time for lunch, instead of heading for the Great Hall, Lily hurried to the seventh floor to see if she could catch the Headmaster before he went to lunch himself. In fact, she had just arrived at the gargoyle statue when it leaped to the side, startling a squeak out of her.

Then Dumbledore appeared. “Hello, Lily,” he greeted with a smile.

“’Ello, Professor Dumbledore, sir,” Lily replied, getting over her scare. “I needed to ask something of you.”

They began to walk down the corridor side by side. “Ah,” he said, “but I have something to ask of _you_ , my Head Girl.”

“Sir?”

“However,” he continued as though he hadn’t heard her, “we shall speak about that at a later time. What need you ask of me?”

“There are some things I’d like to research, but for my own knowledge and not for an assignment. I’m asking for a pass into the Restricted Section of the library.”

The elderly man paused in stride and turned to her, studying her over his half moon spectacles. She met his eyes without blinking.

He lifted a hand and delved into his robe, eventually pulling out a scrap of parchment and a quill. Lily wondered how he got ink for the quill, but was wise enough not to ask.

Handing her the signed pass, he quietly advised, “Use it well.” He continued down the corridor without looking back.

_Use it well._ Had he known what she intended to research? If he did, Lily knew he must trust her to use her knowledge for good. She made her way to the fourth floor and the library, showed Madam Pince her pass, and headed toward the Restricted Section.

She didn’t have a specific book in mind, so she browsed and peeked at the contents of anything she found interesting. _Pernicious Persons in Wizard History_ , _The Most Wickedly Wicked Witch_ , _Vile Villains and Their Vicious Violations_ , _Sadistic Sorcerers of the Sixteenth Century_ , _Grindelwald: Brilliant or Baneful?_.

Then her eyes landed on a thin, black spine; _The Unforgivable Curses_ was written there in bold silver script. She tugged it free of the shelf, brushed off the dust, and scrutinized the cover. No author was inscribed, and suddenly the hairs on Lily’s arms stood on end.

She badly wanted to open it and read it right there and then, but she made herself clutch it to her side as she carried on browsing. Eventually she also selected _Dark Magic--Dark Purposes_ , _The Intricate Dark Arts_ , _Curses of Darkness_ , and _The Dark Side_.

She was good and ready to leave after an hour of being in that creepy part of the library. It was dimly lit and rather dusty, and so silent she kept imagining scary noises, jumping at nothing or constantly looking over her shoulder.

Just then she heard another of her scary noises, a quiet creak, like a rusty hinge was bending. She stiffened as gooseflesh stole over her skin, then scolded her imagination for succumbing to the atmosphere.

I wasn’t until she heard footsteps that she realized it wasn’t her imagination this time. Unconsciously she held her breath, as though her body recognized her apprehension and was trying to be still. Finally her mind reasoned: Why are you nervous? You have permission to be here, from Dumbledore no less!

That was right, she decided. Straightening her shoulders, she casually walked to the end of the row, her books stacked in her arms, intending on getting to the door. But as she rounded the bookshelf, she collided with another person.

Books flew; both people hit hard because neither had expected the other to be standing in their way. Lily landed on her tailbone and gasped at the sharp, numbing pain that accompanied such a blow. She closed her eyes and gritted her teeth during the brief moment it took for the pain to pass. Then she sighed and looked at the person she’d run into.

Severus Snape had managed not to fall by grasping a wooden shelf on the bookcase. He stood over her, staring with a blank expression on his face.

Lily slowly moved so that she was crouching on her knees and began to gather her books. She glanced up once to see him still standing there. “No, it’s all right, you don’t need to help me,” she said sarcastically, “I’ve got it.”

Seeming to have collected his wits, he sneered at her, a greasy hank of black hair hanging in his face. “What are you doing here, Evans?”

She pushed to her feet, balancing her books in the crook of one arm, and pursed her lips as she unabashedly rubbed her butt. “ _I_ have a pass from Dumbledore _allowing_ me to be here,” she informed him. Raising one eyebrow, she said, “As Head Girl, I’m asking if _you_ have one.”

His pasty white face creased into a mocking smile. Spreading his arms, he said, “Fresh out.”

She raised the other eyebrow and tried not to think about how heavy the books were getting to be. “Oh darn. That’s twenty-five points from Slytherin for being out-of-bounds.”

The smile vanished and his face darkened. “Bet you feel pretty high and mighty, eh?” He stepped toward her, getting so close she could smell his stench and had to crane her head slightly to meet his dark eyes. “You can’t control me,” he stated. “You or that bastard Potter. I’d like to see you _try_.”

She gazed into his face for a time. Sadly she said, “You think you’re so tough. What happened to the little boy I met at the playground?” He didn’t answer. “You used to be a very good friend of mine. I was very sorry when that had to end.” She took a deep breath and lowered her gaze to floor, as though she could no longer stand the sight of him. “You know better than to be in the Restricted Section without a pass. Please go before I have to take more points from Slytherin.”

Minutes of silence passed before she saw his shoes turn and go. She didn’t move until she could no longer hear his footsteps. Finally, hauling her books, she, too, left.

__________________________________________________

She didn’t tell anyone about meeting Severus. It was none of their business and they would only have made snide comments, comments she didn’t care to hear despite the fact that she was no longer his friend. And though it wasn’t any of _her_ business, she worried about his deep interest in the Dark Arts.

She had Penny in the rest of her classes during the afternoon, but in the last class the Marauders were there, too. By tacit agreement between the girls, Penny sat with Remus and Lily with James, leaving Sirius and Peter together.

Lily could hardly concentrate; his knee was touching hers, and every few minutes he would scoot a little closer to her. When they weren’t writing something, he would hold her hand under the desk, twine their fingers together until they were forced apart. He was driving her mad, half because she wanted to _learn_ something, and half because she wanted him to keep touching her.

When the class was dismissed, James dumped his materials into his bag and hurried her to her feet. Taking her hand and dragging her along behind him, he pushed and shoved his way out of the room. As soon as he’d cleared the threshold, he hastily, almost urgently, began a confusing trek to parts unknown. Lily tried to ask where he was taking her, but she gave up and decided to let him manhandle her a while longer. 

With lips pursed and eyes narrowed, she was getting ready to tell him off when he let go of her hand and jogged back and forth three times. She was about to stun him and take him to the Infirmary for his own good, but then he grabbed her arm, pulling her through a door that had suddenly appeared.

Before she knew it, her bag and his had been tossed aside. Lily had just registered the sound of the door shutting when her back was pressed up against it and a randy black-haired wizard was plastered against her. His lips were parted over hers, sucking and kissing, and his hands were everywhere, her hair, her face, her shoulders, her hips. Their breathing became harsh and broken, their movements more frantic. James’s lips slid deliciously down to her neck; it was only when she leaned her head back and opened her glazed eyes that she noticed the room was pitch black.

“Er…James?” she managed to get out. No response. “Where are we?”

A distracted grunt was all the response he gave before biting her neck. She gasped, then swallowed a moan as she pried him off her.

“Where _are_ we, James?” she demanded, bracing her palms against the door behind her.

Her eyes had adjusted by this time, but it was still so dark all she could see of him was a vague silhouette. There was pause in which she assumed he was coming to himself. Then he replied, “It’s a secret room, called the Room of Requirement. What happens is—”

“I think the name is pretty self-explanatory, thanks. And I really need to see.”

Instantly a fireplace burst into life, showing the room in dim, golden relief. There was a cozy little two-seater sofa, before which was a low coffee table; on its surface sat a bucket filled with ice, chilling two bottles of butterbeer.

That was it. Curious, a little suspicious, Lily drew her attention back to James. “What exactly were you so desperately in need of when you made the door appear?”

James was glad the room wasn’t so brightly lit as to see his blush. “A nice place to snog.”

She narrowed her eyes. “I don’t like being manhandled, Potter. To anywhere or into doing anything.”

He stepped close to her again, earnest. “It’s not like that. I just needed to kiss you.” He lifted a hand, lightly cupped her cheek. “Let me kiss you, Lily,” he whispered.

Enchanted by the tenderness, she did let him. She was ever so surprised—and, she had to admit, charmed—when he picked her up to cradle her in his arms.

Very feminine and very normal self-consciousness took hold. “Aren’t I heavy?”

“Not really, as long as you don’t fall unconscious and become dead weight,” he answered honestly.

Pleased, she rested her head on his shoulder.

They sat on the couch and sipped their butterbeers, just talking. After a while James’s libido kicked in again and they kissed with vigor. Finally, Lily asked the time and James studied his wristwatch.

“We have to meet everyone for dinner,” she said when he’d read her the time. She stood and finished her drink. “They’re probably wondering where we went.”

James did the same, smirking. “Oh, I think they have a general idea.”

She smacked him in the arm; laughing, he retrieved their school bags and pulled her out the door.

Making a quick stop at Gryffindor Tower to put their bags in their dorms, they hurried down to the Great Hall. The others were already sitting together at Gryffindor Table, but James and Lily were hardly the last students there. Plopping down next to each other, both immediately busied themselves with gathering food, trying too hard to act casual.

Lily heard Penny snort from across the table, where she was sitting next to Remus. She couldn’t help the heat that rose to her face.

Matilda rushed around the table to sit next to Lily. Alarmed, she cried, “Lily! Are you all right?!”

Confounded, Lily looked at her. “I’m fine, Matilda.”

“Are you sure? How did it get into the castle?”

“How did what get into the castle?”

“The vampire!” Matilda exclaimed. She reached out to gingerly turn Lily’s head to the side, bearing her neck. “The vampire that bit you!”

Penny and the guys roared with laughter. Matilda let her façade crack and smiled, shoulders shaking. Lily, beat red, wanted to shrink to the size of a pea. “Ha ha,” she muttered, ducking her head and picking up her fork to stab at green beans.

Under the table, James took her other hand in his and gave it a squeeze.

________________________________________________

After dinner they all migrated upstairs to the Gryffindor common room, where they gathered around a table in a study group, Matilda included. Then when the essays and schoolwork were done, they put their books away and brought out the games. James went up to get his broom and broomstick servicing kit to work on, and Lily snuck up to her dorm to grab one of her library books. Not wanting the others to know what she was reading, she performed a spell to disguise the cover of the book. She hoped Madam Pince didn’t find out about it. Then again, she might understand about a Restricted Section book.

Penny caught her just as she was closing the door behind her. Cornered her, more like. “So,” she said, crossing her arms over her chest. A lock of straight black hair fell against her cheek.

“So, what?” Lily evaded, trying to walk past. Penny reached out to touch her shoulder, both holding her in place and signifying that she was being serious.

“I thought you were only pretending to date him.”

“I am.”

Penny raised trim, black brows. “Sneaking off to make out isn’t my idea of pretending to date someone. That seems…real.”

“You never know who’s—”

“Watching. I know. But I also know that if James Potter wanted to hide, he could do it. I don’t think anyone saw what the two of you actually did in your hideaway. That makes it private, and real. Intimate.”

Lily looked away, shrugged, hugged her book to her chest. “All right, so maybe I wanted it some. But that’s not infatuation,” she declared, meeting Penny’s dark eyes. “That’s hormones. I do have them.”

Penny ran her tongue around her teeth. “Yes, you do. And I can’t blame them for reacting to James Potter. Just…” She sighed, then opened her arms and gathered her dearest friend into them. “Just don’t get hurt. Don’t get in over your head.”

Lily hugged her back. “I can take care of myself if I do.”

“Are you so sure?” Penny leaned back, keeping her hands on Lily’s shoulders. “Listen to me. Say you start to like him. That’s fine—that’s great, even! Then I wouldn’t have to listen to you bitch. But don’t get so wrapped up in your little love play that when it’s time to end it, you’re left devastated.”

“I won’t do that. But if it did happen like that, the deal is for me to stay with him.”

“Maybe, maybe not. What could also happen is this: you get so into your role as his girlfriend you start putting on a very enthusiastic act. Then, when time’s up and you’re released from your shackles, you leave _him_ devastated.”

Lily considered this, became unsure and asked, “Who are you trying to tell me to protect here, Penny? Myself or James?”

Penny blinked, dropped her arms to her sides. “I guess I’m just telling you not to lose your head. Pay attention to what you’re feeling, what he seems to be feeling. If you doubt you’ll end up liking him enough to stay with him, then don’t lead him to think otherwise.”

Lily nodded. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

**Please review and let me know if and why you like this story! And if you don't, tell me!  
~ grape_2010**

P.S. - Remember when Penny said she wouldn't have been surprised if there was a serial killer dressing up as a clown by day? ... Ever heard of Pogo the Clown? _So_ my inspiration.


	7. Chapter Seven

Over the next few days, Lily kept feeling guiltier and guiltier for not creating a moment that would force Sirius and Matilda to spend time with each other. She’d told Penny Monday morning that she would do something, but by Friday, she still hadn’t. She couldn’t see Matilda look at Sirius with longing in her eyes one more time or she’d burst into tears.

Matilda, for her part, was trying hard not to blush every time someone spoke to her. She was still very shy, but she was pushing herself to smile and make conversation, especially with Sirius, Lily was proud to note. She thought her friends, and people in general, were warming to Matilda.

Friday morning she gave herself a kick in the arse and decided that today she absolutely, no-excuses _had_ to push Matilda and Sirius into a situation that would make them spend some exclusive time together. She had a plan, a simple one, but still a plan.

They all ate dinner together, then James, Sirius, and the rest of the Gryffindor Quidditch team left for practice. Lily saw Sirius say something to Matilda, whom he’d been sitting next to, before getting up from the table. Curious, she asked Matilda what he’d said as they and Penny made their way out of the hall.

With flushed cheeks and bright eyes, Matilda replied, “He wants me to meet him out at the pitch when their practice is over—about ten o’clock, he said.”

Lily’s eyebrows shot up. “Really? Huh.” She looked at her friend slyly out of the corner of her eye. “Wonder what he’s up to.” Penny nudged Matilda to emphasize Lily’s comment.

Looking to get the subject off her, Matilda glanced at Lily’s hands. “Four more days, Lily.”

The redhead looked at the black X’s on her knuckles. “Mmm. I’ll have those black stains forever.”

“How do you think your little game will turn out?” Penny asked after they’d passed some other students walking in the opposite direction.

“I dunno.” Lily considered. “I certainly don’t dislike him as much as I used to—”

“ _That’s_ evident,” Penny remarked dryly. 

Lily rolled her eyes. All right, so he was a good kisser! “But I don’t think I feel the way _he_ wants me to feel. And it’s quite clear how he feels.”

“It’s so cute,” Matilda said, clasping her hands together and lifting her shoulders, “the way he fawns over you. He’s head over heels.” 

Penny chuckled at the dreamy expression on the girl’s face. “Matilda, you are one of a kind.”

Just before the girls separated to go to their respective common rooms to do their schoolwork, Lily pointed a strict finger at Matilda. “I’m going to pretend I don’t know anything about your after-hours rendezvous so I don’t have to punish you—on one condition. You tell Sirius to bring you back to Gryffindor Tower, where I will be waiting, and you can tell me everything that happened. Deal?”

Matilda considered. “What if it’s not until late? I don’t know what’ll happen.”

“It’s doesn’t matter.” Lily smiled at her. “Really.”

 “All right. Deal.”

Matilda knew she’d done a terrible job on her assignments, but that was because she couldn’t concentrate; she would focus for perhaps thirty seconds before she would become distracted once more. She did push herself to finish her work, though, figuring that she could always fix it later, but at least it was done. Sort of.

When nine-thirty rolled around, she decided that she couldn’t wait any longer. In her dormitory, she refreshed her minimal amount of cosmetics, bundled into all her winter outerwear, and headed out. She ignored the bemused glances that were sent her way as she crossed the common room. Someone called her name, asked where she was going; pulse frantic, she tried to form a sly, that’s-for-me-to-know smile and waved.

Her palms were sweating as she made her way across the Entrance Hall. She knew it was past curfew, and excuses were only provided to authorized students and members of the Quidditch team scheduled to practice. The idea of being caught was making her anxious, yet the sheer audacity of actually breaking the rules, consciously and on purpose, was thrilling. Adding the fact that she was sneaking out to rendezvous with _Sirius Black_ only sent shivers down her neck.

As soon as those big doors had closed behind her, she paused and breathed deeply. It was a cold, nippy February night, the air crisp and dry; Matilda could already feel her lips chapping and fought the urge to lick them, instead digging into the depths of her cloak to find a stick of lip balm Lily had given her. Crisis averted, she thought with a small smile as she stepped through the snow.

Glancing at her watch, she saw that it was five minutes to ten o’clock. She knew she could be a little late, and probably would be, but she quickened her step so that she didn’t end up worrying him overmuch. Besides, she wasn’t exactly out strolling leisurely through a meadow of wildflowers. It was right creepy, Hogwarts at night. Right creepy.

She tried her hardest not to let her eyes wander towards the shadows’ depths, not to let her mind wonder what was hidden in those depths. If she wasn’t staring at the ground before her feet, she was tilting her head up to examine the stars. She could identify some constellations thanks to her Astronomy class, but otherwise it seemed like a whole other world, one vast and distant, intangible and unreachable.

Speaking of unreachable, she thought she would _never_ get to the pitch. When she finally did, her breath was coming short, and her thighs felt worked in from trudging in the thick snow.

She couldn’t see him standing on the field. Narrowing her eyes, she scanned the stands, but didn’t spot him there either. Suddenly, a _whoosh!_ blew past her, making her shriek in fright. There was an answering bark of laughter.

“Forgive me!” Sirius requested, hovering over the ground on his broomstick.  He touched down. “I didn’t—well, actually, I _did_ mean to give you a fright.” He bowed his head morosely, holding his broom vertical with both hands. “I am most ashamed of myself.”

“Oh.” She pressed a gloved hand over her heart. “It’s all right. I’m…fine. Really.”

Sirius looked up, saw her face was completely white, even more so than would be caused by the cold. He sobered. “I’m sorry. I—suppose I didn’t fully appreciate the fact that you probably don’t come outside after dark often.”

She forced a tremulous smile, hunching her shoulders against the wind. “I’ll be all right.”

He scrutinized her for a moment, didn’t press, and turned to walk to the center of the pitch. She assumed she was supposed to follow. When he turned to face her again, he was all business.

“You need Sirius help.” His lips twitched at his intended pun.

She gazed blankly. “Ha ha. Sure.”

“I will not allow for one of my friends to be unable to fly.”

She comprehended instantly, her eyes going wide. “Oh no.” She took an involuntary step back.

“I’m afraid so.” He nodded grimly. “’Tis a terrible curse that’s been set upon you, lassie. To your good fortune, I possess the remedy.”

She looked warily at the broomstick he gripped in his hand. “Oh, Sirius… I can’t.”

“You can.” He held out a hand. Tone soft, he compelled, “Come here.”

She rubbed her slick lips together nervously, staring at his bare palm. He’ll get frostbite, she thought absently. She knew she couldn’t possibly give up this opportunity. Butterflies invaded her stomach, flapping madly and sending her fingers to trembling. Despite them, she slowly stepped forward and placed her hand in his.

He firmly pulled her to him and curled her hand around the handle of the broomstick. Watching her, he said, “It’s only wood.”

“It’s only _enchanted_ wood that can lift you up thousands of feet into the air,” she corrected a bit hysterically.

She didn’t see his lips twitch again. Releasing her hand, he straddled the broom and kicked off a few inches so that it was horizontal. Grasping the sleeve of her cloak, he tugged.

Her body rigid, her first instinct was to resist. When he tugged again, more gently, she tentatively crept forward, eyeing the broom as though expecting it to turn into a Death Eater, and finally lifted her leg over it, sitting in front of him. “Er,” she said, a thought occurring to her, “won’t my legs get cold?”

She was still wearing the standard school uniform, which included knee-high stockings and a black skirt that ended just past her knee. However, she knew the bitterly frigid air would find its way up her skirt and she’d end up freezing her buttocks off—literally. 

Sirius glanced down and seemed to think. He pulled out his wand and flicked it at her legs; Matilda felt her stockings grow thicker and longer until they reached the tops of her thighs.

“Thank you,” she said, trying not to sound uneasy.

“Right, then.” Sirius leaned into her back, his arms going around her so his hands could grip the broom handle. She closed her eyes briefly, holding back a grateful sigh. “I’ll fly at first, let you get used to being in the air, then you’re going to try. All right?”

The reality of the fact that she feared flying slammed back into her. She tensed again, her breath quickening as she realized they were slowly rising above the ground.

“Matilda, it’s all right. You’re fine.” He brought his lips close to her ear, spoke in a deep, soothing tone, trying to give her a sense of security, even on a subconscious level. “I’ve got you. Don’t look down. Don’t!” She jerked her head up and whimpered. He sighed; they were barely ten feet up.

He didn’t give in, though. He hardened his heart to her moans and ignored the tight grip she had on his arms. Finally, after seven minutes of futility, he changed his strategy. Taking her hands once again in his own, he wrapped them around the handle. Then he let go and leaned back, giving her a feeling of semi-independence.

As he’d figured—hoped—she was more afraid of crashing than of actually flying, so she fought to keep the broom from nose-diving.

“If you pull up on it some, we can go higher,” he informed her after he thought she’d gotten a—ha ha—handle on it.

“But we’re already up so high!” she exclaimed. Sirius checked his snort and didn’t let her see his struggle to keep a straight face.

“Let’s take a risk,” he persuaded. “I’m a bad boy, remember?”

“All right.” She gulped. “Okay.” She pulled on the handle; the broom rose a few inches.

This time Sirius didn’t hold back his amusement. Snickering, he reached around her and heartily pulled on the handle.

They made a quick ascent to fifty feet up, Matilda squealing the whole way, one hand with a death grip on the broom, the other covering her face.

“Tillie, Tillie, Tillie,” Sirius laughed, clucking his tongue. “If only you could realize how very close to the ground this is.”

“Close? Close?” She twisted around to glare at him. “You’ll get _real_ close when I push you off!”

That sent him chuckling again as he decided to take her for a ride. At first he flew laps around the pitch, putting a calm, sedate pace into practice. Soon, though, after she’d just become comfortable with the speed and height, he was going faster and higher. Eventually she thought, Sod it, and leaned back against his solid body.

She plastered as much of herself as she could against him when they left the pitch, two hundred feet up. She envisioned horrible things happening to them, crashing, landing over water and falling through the ice, hitting a tree, being decapitated by a tree branch. She never once considered the fact that Sirius had been flying since he was little, and was very skilled.

“Watch out for that tree!” she called at one point.

“Tillie, that tree is probably a hundred feet below us.”

He flew around for maybe half an hour until she finally stopped screaming “Watch out!” and started pointing things out like, “Oo! Look at the moonlight sparkle on the snow! Isn’t it pretty?” By that point he let her steer again.

She managed to set a wobbly cruising speed. He let her have pretty much free reign; if she wanted to go in a direction, she could. He’d been flying the area surrounding Hogwarts for years and had come to recognize several “landmarks.” For instance, when they approached two short hills (which he and James had dubbed the A-Cups) that were right next to each other, he knew it was time to turn around, that they’d reached their limit in that direction.

Matilda was having too much fun to be afraid. She felt so…free. They were so far from walls, so far from enclosure. She felt like her body had been detoxified, wiped clean of its imperfections. She was so caught up she didn’t hear Sirius right away when he spoke. “What?” she called loudly over her shoulder. The cold, bitter wind roared in her ears.

“Slow down,” he repeated.

She pulled up gently on the handle; the wind quieted to a whistle. Their pace slackened to a crawl as the Whomping Willow passed below them.

“How are you doing?” he asked her, scrutinizing her face with his eyes to gauge her level of panic.

What panic? Matilda shot him a large, toothy smile over her shoulder. “I’m fantastic!”

“What do you think of flying now?” He smirked.

She became aware that he was gripping her hips. The realization made her shiver, despite the fact that he couldn’t possibly feel her figure underneath all the layers of winter clothes. Besides, she chided herself, what else was he supposed to hang on to?

“I think I’ve overcome my fear,” she answered.

He nodded, grinned. “I think this is enough for tonight. Take us down anywhere—just not near that damned tree.”

They landed a ways from Hagrid’s hut. Sirius banished his broom to his dorm and they began trudging toward the castle.

Matilda hesitated , then broke the silence. “Before, you said this was enough for tonight.” She saw he had his head tilted slightly toward her, listening. “What did you mean?”

He shrugged. “I think we should do this a few more times—if that’s what you want. I don’t think you can completely get over your fear from this one time.” He kicked some snow, causing the flakes to soar up and cling to the hem of his cloak. “That’s my take, anyway.”

Matilda turned her head to look up at him. Tonight he seemed so down-to-earth, not the Sirius she knew as a classmate to be a laid-back, womanizing jokester. Maybe, she thought, studying his profile, maybe this is the Sirius set aside for friends only. Maybe, in private, that’s just what Sirius was—serious.

“I agree,” she responded at last. She faced forward again, and they finished walking to the castle.

They both moaned in gratitude when they stepped into the warm Entrance Hall. Sirius relocked the large double doors, then turned to face her.

“Well, I guess I’ll see you at breakfast.”

She stared blankly at him a moment. “Sirius.”

A faint line appeared between his brows. “What?”

“I can’t feel my face.”

He chuckled, then raised his hands to her cheeks. Her eyes widened as she felt the heat emanating from his palms.

“How can your hands be so warm when you didn’t even have gloves on out in that cold?” she demanded, mildly outraged and envious.

“I have excellent blood circulation.”

Rolling her eyes, she changed the subject. “Lily insisted you bring me up to Gryffindor Tower with you.”

He lowered his arms and brushed the snow off himself. “Why?”

She shrugged, trying not to blush as she evaded. “Because she said so. To talk, I guess.”

She didn’t see the knowing gleam come and go from his eyes. “Ah. I see.” Straightening, he swept his arm out, palm up, in the direction of the marble staircase. “M’lady.”

She couldn’t help the blood that tinged her cheeks this time. Feeling silly, she made a mock curtsy and walked ahead of him to start up the seven flights. She turned her head to look back when she heard paper rustle, saw him mutter something as he pointed his wand at a piece of parchment. She had just decided to back up and take a look when he whipped the parchment inside his cloak, lifting his head to smile at her.

“Filch is in the dungeons, so if we hurry we could make it without being seen.”

They ascended the stairs side by side; Matilda couldn’t help but steal curious glances in his direction. But she decided she wouldn’t ask how he knew where Filch was, because she figured if he hadn’t told her a moment ago, he didn’t intend to.

They made conversation as they climbed, ignoring the portraits who made irritated comments about their lit wands. Matilda tried to keep her breathing quiet when climbing the last few flights became a workout. She noticed that his breathing didn’t even hitch, and felt ashamed.

“You ran away from home?” she said incredulously at one point. “Where did you go?”

“To the Potters’, of course. They treated me like a second son.” Hands in his pockets, he lifted one shoulder. “I don’t deserve them, but they seem to like me for some odd reason.”

There was silence as she contemplated that. Finally he asked, “Do you have any brothers or sisters?”

She shook her head. “I had a baby brother when I was four, but he died of some disease they never identified before he’d reached two.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Thank you.”

“I have a younger brother,” he said, his tone indicating that she wasn’t missing out on much.  

“Regulus,” she said, nodding. “In Slytherin.”

He rolled his shoulders as though trying to throw off something heavy. “Wouldn’t be surprised if he died young, too, and by ‘mysterious’ circumstances.”

Somewhat surprised by the statement, she tilted her head to study his face. “Why is that?”

He looked at her out of the corner of his eye, an eyebrow raised. “Do you know about my family?”

“Yeah. What pureblood doesn’t?” She gave a pathetic little laugh to try and sugarcoat her statement. “But you’re the black sheep, or Lily says that James says so.”

“Thank God for that.” He sighed; the sound was age-old and worn. “I’ve always rejected their pureblood mania. They’re obsessed with it. Blood status is everything to them. To me, being pureblood is like having dark hair—it was what I was born with, but it really doesn’t matter. Especially not after I met James and he told me about his family’s beliefs. But Regulus is far more gullible than I am, and he was sucked right in.” He reached out for air, grabbed some in his fist, and pulled it toward him. He shook his head. “Stupid blighter. Now as far as I know he’s part of Voldemort’s army.”

Matilda flinched at the name, though she didn’t mean to. “You wish you could help him,” she stated quietly.

There was silence, and Matilda wondered if he was uncomfortable speaking about his feelings with her. She was so in love with him, she sometimes forgot he hardly knew her at all, that she was practically a stranger.

Minutes passed and they had just reached the statue of Lachlan the Lanky on the seventh floor when he stopped and turned to face her. His fathomless gray eyes scrutinized her own, then he whispered, “I do wish I could help him. I’ve tried. But he won’t listen.”

In that moment she could have wept for him. He looked so world-weary, so sad. All night he hadn’t acted like the Sirius she knew him to be, and now he was so un-Sirius-like that she fell in love with this sensitive, emotional side of him, too. 

Sirius was a multi-dimensional man. And she loved every single part.

She took a deep breath. “Sometimes,” she whispered back, “there’s nothing you can do. He’s your brother, and you love him. That’s enough.”

They gazed into each other’s eyes. Something was happening, but she couldn’t be sure what. The night, the castle, the corridor became soundless, the background faded, and all she knew was brilliant, glimmering gray.

“Do you mind?! We’re tryin’ to sleep here!”

Matilda gasped, completely startled by the peeved, angry tone of the portrait on the wall to her right.

“Sorry,” Sirius muttered, turning away from her and heading off down the corridor toward the portrait of the Fat Lady. Matilda felt her face flame as she slowly followed.

Lily, James, Penny, and Remus had waited up for them, and were the only inhabitants of the common room. The boys were playing chess, the girls watching and cheering for their respective boyfriends. When Matilda and Sirius walked in, Lily waved them over.

“They’re almost done,” she told them, eyes on the board, unconsciously smoothing James’s stubborn hair with her hand. “Then we were going to make a quick run to the kitchens. Up for it?” She pulled her eyes away to glance at them.

“Where were you two?” James asked absently as he made a move.

“Flying. I think I’ll go up to join Pete,” Sirius excused himself. He politely covered his mouth as he gave a fake yawn. “Thanks, though.”

Matilda watched Lily narrow her eyes at something she saw in Sirius’s expression. “Fine,” the redhead said coolly. “Night, Sirius.”

“Night, everybody,” he said in high-pitched, girly-man voice. “Don’t you two keep me waiting.” He winked exaggeratedly at James and Remus, tossed his hair, then flounced off in a ditzy fashion toward the stairs.

Remus shuddered. “I’m going to need therapy by the time we graduate.”

“We’ll skip the kitchens, too,” Lily announced, watching Matilda, who was staring in the direction of the stairs that led to the boys’ dormitories. She patted James’s shoulder, then took her friend’s elbow and pulled her toward the far corner of the room. Penny followed.

“Well?” Lily demanded in a whisper. 

“He took me flying,” Matilda said, her tone thoughtful.

“But aren’t you afraid of flying?” Penny asked, her black brows pulled down, combing her fingers through her long, straight hair.

Matilda nodded. “That was the point, he wanted to help me get over my fear. He wants to do it a few more times to make sure I’m okay with it.”

“So you two were on a broom, up in the air, all alone and very close. How was it?” Lily asked eagerly.

“Horrifying at first. I clung to him…I’m not sure if I’m ecstatic or embarrassed about that. Then I started to like it, and took over. I think he was proud of how quickly I got over being afraid.”

“This is good, very good.” Lily nodded to herself. “I have my work cut out for me, it seems. When are you two going flying again?”

“Now that I think about it, probably tomorrow,” Matilda replied. She felt immediately excited at the notion.

“Then you’ll need your rest. You should go to bed.” Lily lifted her hand to lay it on Matilda’s shoulder. “Do you feel like you—you know—made progress?”

Matilda considered the night’s events for a long moment, nodded slowly. “I believe so. I’m pretty sure he knows I exist now.”

“Oh, I know he knows you exist,” Lily told her with a grin. “We’re shoving you in his face. No offense. But do you think he might like you?”

Matilda remembered the whispers they’d shared by Lachlan the Lanky. “I think a…bond is forming, yes.” She realized what she was saying and blushed. “That could just be wishful thinking on my part, though.”

Penny had heard what she needed to hear and wandered back over to the chess game. Lily patted the Hufflepuff girl’s shoulder. “I trust your judgment.” Her eyes focused on James over Matilda’s shoulder when he shot up from his seat, fist pumping in the air and victory on his face. “It’s mine I’m not so sure about.”

Matilda followed her gaze and was about to say something when Lily blinked and began pushing her toward the portrait hole. “We’ll see you at breakfast. Be careful not to run into anyone on your way down. Night.”

“I—well, I—all right—I—night,” Matilda stammered, but she was talking to an empty frame.

Penny consoled Remus over his loss as she walked with him to the boys’ dormitories. James was still high when Lily approached him after seeing—er, shoving—Matilda out.

“I beat Remus, I beat Remus,” he sang in a muted voice so as not to wake the Tower, twirling pirouettes around the furniture. “Remus thinks he’s so brilliant, but I beat him!”

“Ego, much?” she drawled, folding her arms over her chest. She couldn’t help grinning; he looked so silly.

He reached her and drew her into his arms. “And you, my pretty, are my prize.”

“I am so honored.” Her tone was drier than the Sahara.

“You should be.” He pecked her cheek and, sitting on the couch, pulled her down to cradle her on his lap. Nuzzling her neck, he asked, his voice muffled, “What was the girl pow-wow all about?”

She closed her eyes as his teeth nipped the skin over her jugular. She sighed. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“All right. That’s fine.” He slipped a hand beneath her blouse and spread his fingers across her belly. “I’ll get it out of you later.”

“Or not. James.” He silenced her with his lips, but soon she was free. “James, we should go to bed. It’s been a long week, and I’m tired.”

He groaned. “Can’t I hold you for a while?” He rubbed his stubbly cheek against hers. “I like holding you.”

“I know. And I’ve discovered that with you, holding quickly becomes cuddling, which quickly becomes necking, which we quickly have to end, otherwise we won’t stop there.” She shoved his face away and struggled to gain her feet. “So I’m saving myself the wasted hormones.”

“Who says they’re wasted?” He gave a mighty tug on the back of her blouse, causing her to fall back onto his lap. Wrapping his arms tight around her, he buried his face in her soft auburn waves. “There’s only four days left, Lily,” he reminded her quietly, sobering. “Let me have my time with you.”

Her hormones (or rather her heart, if she was being honest with herself, which she wasn’t) fought with her mind, and she found herself sighing and giving in.

The next morning, Lily carefully drew a big, black “X” over the big toe of her right foot.

“I wonder, why do you mark off the day in the morning?” Penny asked as she dressed, having been watching her friend. “What if something happens so that you can’t count today?”

“Well,” Lily began, putting the cap on the marker and reaching for her thick wool stockings, “the mark would still be there the next day when it _would_ count, and—” She drew in a deep breath, let it out. “I have to remain confident that I won’t have to discount a day.”

Penny pursed her lips as she considered the logistics of that reply. “I still would mark off the day once it had been accomplished.”

“That’s fine. I prefer to have faith.”

They silently agreed to disagree and meandered their way down to the Great Hall for breakfast.  On Saturdays most students slept in in the morning, so the hall wasn’t full all at once like it usually was on weekdays.  There was more of a steady stream, flowing as students got up to face the day when they felt like it.

Without even thinking about it, Lily moved to take the open space next to James as Penny did likewise with Remus. Peter was talking to Matilda, who was obviously getting annoyed, but was too polite to tell him to shut up. Finally James, who sat between Lily and Matilda, interrupted tactfully, “I think those eggs are demanding all your attention, Pete.”

“Where’s Sirius?” Lily asked absently as she smeared pumpkin jam over toast.

“Still sleeping when I came down,” James replied. He smoothly scooted closer to her on the bench until their elbows bumped with every little move they made.

Lily fought back a smile and deliberately shoved her elbow into his side. “Oops.” She let her lips spread into a sweet, innocent smile.

He no more than winced, which disappointed her. She knew she’d pay for it, though. As soon as the thought crossed her mind, a foot slowly pressed onto hers. She ignored it until she no longer could; he stopped when she released a tiny gasp.

Chuckling, he leaned down to kiss her hair. Before he moved away, his lips tickled her ear when he whispered, “Good morning.” Then he stole a sausage off her plate and chomped into one end, grinning mischievously at her out of the corner of his eye.

Eyes narrowed, she gathered her fork in her fist and pointed the prongs at him. “You watch yourself, mister.”

“Now, children,” Sirius admonished as he moved to take his place across the table next to Remus. “We don’t want to spend our Saturday gluing Prongs’s eye back in its socket, now do we?”

“You think his eye would have been the first thing she poked?” Penny asked drily, eyebrow raised.

James shuddered.  The group laughed before turning to their food.  After washing some toast down with juice, Sirius looked at Matilda over the platters of assorted breakfast items. “ _Up_ for another round later, Tillie?”

It took her moment of blankly staring at him before his words and their meanings penetrated her mind. “Sure,” she replied lamely. Another moment and she caught his double meaning and smiled. “Ha ha.”

Lily bit her lips together violently so as not to break out in giggles. Not only did Sirius recognize and acknowledge Matilda, he already had a pet name for her too! She wanted to hug someone. Lucky for her, James was sitting next to her, hunched over his plate, cheeks stuffed. He froze when she grabbed his face and pressed her lips to his cheek.

Funnily enough, her excitement ruined her appetite. While her boyfriend sat gazing at her dazedly, mid-chew, she popped up from her seat and bubbled, “There’s something I need to do in my dorm. See you later.”

She cupped her elbows in her palms as she walked, like she was hugging herself. She chirped a happy “Hello!” to every individual she passed on her way out of the Hall. But she didn’t go up to Gryffindor Tower. Instead, she wanted to find a secluded place where she could giggle and laugh and smile and wallow in success without looking like a lunatic.

What she found was an empty dungeon. She let her soprano voice reign as she squealed and twirled and danced silly moves. She lost all sense of herself.

“Having fun?”

Lily shrieked and whirled to face the door. Sirius glowered at her as he slammed it shut.

“Sirius—” she managed to breathe, but he didn’t listen.

“You conniving little—WITCH!” he hollered. “I don’t believe in hitting women, but never have I so sorely regretted that predilection.”

He stood before her, close enough to invade her space and make her uncomfortable, which she was quickly becoming. Storm clouds writhed in his eyes and he bared his teeth.

“How could you do this to him? Even _I_ was convinced for a very brief moment that you genuinely felt a gay impulsion to kiss the boy you love on the cheek. The _look_ you put on his face was so sloppy I wanted to find a mop, then shake him and scream at him.”

“I—”

“Do you have _any idea_ how much of his _bleeding_ heart you’re going to _rip_ out when you tell him, ‘Sorry, still don’t like you’?” He gripped her shoulders hard. “I’ve been against this whole ‘deal’ from the start, I don’t know what James was thinking, he must have been _desperate_ to think that he could make you love him in fourteen days. He loves you so god _damn_ much, he just can’t see you’re a hopeless cause!”

He shoved her away from him and folded his arms behind his head as he moved aimlessly about the dusty room. Then he paused and pointed at her. “And you’re not helping one bit. You act out the role of devoted girlfriend so well you’re only building his confidence in that you’ll stay his forever. _Why_ do you cast these illusions around him when you _know_ it’ll only hurt him?”

There was a sudden silence, which scared Lily more than the shouting, so she tried to fill it with stammers. “I—I didn’t mean—I _did_ mean—I—” Then she collected her wits and screwed up her face. “You’re one to talk! Who’s been kissing the love of his best mate’s life behind his back? Don’t you forget your own guilt in this, Sirius Black! _My_ rejection won’t be so devastating as _your_ betrayal would be, because he hasn’t known me as long or trusted me as completely.”

Quiet followed her outburst as she watched him process her rant. Then he seemed to deflate, and shuffled toward her. 

“You’re right.” He huffed out humorless laughter. “You’re absolutely right. We’re both nasty hypocrites.” He bent his head to watch his fingers lace through hers; he raised her hand and kissed the back. “Nothing can ever happen between us. I won’t have James caught in the crossbows. Besides.” He met her eyes and grinned a friendly grin. “I think I’m getting over you. No offense.”

She sighed, closed her eyes momentarily. Unlinked their hands. “None taken. You’re not my type anyway.” She opened them again, and there was an impish sparkle in the depths. A grin to match stretched her lips. “Anyone I know?”

“Anyone you know, what?”

“Anyone I know that you’re crushing on now?”

He put a hand on his chest, looking scandalized. “Excuse me? And why would I tell you this precious, classified information?”

She linked her hands behind her back and tried to appear innocent. “Because I’m your best mate’s girl?”

Suddenly he sobered. “Lily, you two have, what? Three days left, four counting today? If you’re not going to meet his standards, then you need to start laying off and putting him down. You can’t avoid hurting him, but you can lessen the degree.”

She really didn’t want to talk about it anymore. “I know. I will. I promise. Now, who are you crushing on?”

He studied her a moment more, decided she’d listened to all she was going to from him, and switched gears by leading her out of the dungeon. “Actually, I was kind of hoping you could help me out…”

“Lily!”

The redhead turned toward the urgent call from where she sat in front of the fire under James’s arm. She saw Matilda walking in her direction with a smile frozen on her face. Sirius was only a few steps behind her.

Lily rose and met Matilda behind the couch, saw the panic-filled brown eyes, and began tugging her toward the stairs. She heard Sirius greet his friends behind them.

Penny followed them up and shut the door of their dormitory. Lily was bursting with curiosity, “What happened?”

Matilda sounded like a tea pot whistling. “Of _all_ the things you taught me, you never once taught me how to _flirt_!”

Lily and Penny gaped.

The Hufflepuff threw her hands up in frustration. “I must have looked so _stupid!_ ”

“What happened?” the Gryffindors chorused.

“I don’t know. He—he kept smiling at me and I thought, hey, that’s just Sirius. But then when we got on the broom, he sat very close.”

“Didn’t he sit close to you last night?” Penny asked, bemused. “There’s not much room on those broomsticks.”

“Yeah, he sat close last night,” Matilda nodded, eyes wide and emphatic, “but tonight was a different kind of close. Last night was instructor-close. Tonight was _close_ -close.”

“This explains _every_ thing,” Penny commented sarcastically, crossed her arms over her chest.

Matilda ignored her. “And I swear to the almighty that he groped me. Right here.” She rubbed her right butt cheek, but it was like she was trying to savor it, not forget it.

“That’s great, Matilda!” Lily cheered.

“You have to tell me what to do,” the brown-haired witch begged.

Lily considered, studying the girl’s face, then communicated with Penny via eye contact. She shrugged. “There’s no set standard for flirting, Matilda. I guess number one is to smile and laugh a lot at things he says and does. Tease him—flirt is really just another word for tease, the way I see it—and I read somewhere that guys like it when a girl bites or licks her lips. I don’t know, just girl body language, I guess.”

Matilda nodded, closing her eyes. After a moment of silence Lily grew concerned. “Isn’t this what you wanted, Matilda?”

The girl was still before slowly opening her eyes. “Yes. Yes, this is what I wanted, but it just seems so sudden. Last night when we flew for the first time, we were like strangers almost. Acquainted strangers. Which is an oxymoron.” She pinched the bridge of her freckled nose. “You know what I mean. There was distance. Now today when we went up he was—all over me.” She snorted in self-deprecation. “Sirius overwhelms my senses when he’s _not_ paying attention to me, let alone when he is.”

Lily was so happy for her friend, she was high on blissful success. “Matilda.” The girl looked at her. “This morning Sirius was asking me about you, like if you’re single and interested and stuff. He said he had a crush on you. Well, _he_ didn’t say that, _I_ said that, but he didn’t disagree.”

“That explains a lot,” Matilda said. Her teeth clamped down on her lower lip, as though trying to hold something inside. “I can’t believe I’m dating Sirius Black.”

“What?” Lily and Penny screamed at the same time. Then Penny went on, “He asked you out?”

“Well, other than the flying lessons, no,” Matilda admitted. “But he was flirting with me.”

“That’s terrific, but there’s still a big difference between flirting and exclusively dating,” Lily told her. “Let’s just focus on you getting better at flirting first.”

**I didn't like this chapter so much for some reason. I don't know why. Anyway, please review!!**

**~ grape_2010**


	8. Chapter Eight

Lily hated Mondays in general, but the Monday that marked the thirteenth day was pure hell. She woke up late, missed breakfast, barely got to class on time, and realized she hadn’t finished the last paragraph of an essay for Charms. She quick scribbled a lame one that she hoped would work. 

In Transfiguration she gave the wrong answer, something that happened so rarely that everyone feasted on her mistake like buzzards on a carcass. In the same class, Penny, who was sitting behind her with Remus, quietly informed her that she had a glob of unknown substance in her hair. She washed it out in a bathroom before her next lesson, but the damp made her hard-to-tame hair frizz outrageously, so that she finally just threw it up in a messy bun.

By lunch her nails were raggedly chewed to the quick, she was über self-conscious, and she wanted to hide in her dorm for the rest of the day. Only making it all worse was the fact that James seemed depressed but didn’t want anyone to know it, so he was throwing out fake smiles and false laughs. She wasn’t taking the crap, though, and knew that he was brooding over the figurative time clock hovering over their heads. 1 day, 11 hours, 36 minutes, 45 seconds.

Having eaten nothing yet that day, Lily dug right into the meal, shoveling in meat and cooked vegetables and fruit, gulping pumpkin juice like she’d been stranded in the desert for ages. She knew the others were studying her gluttony with raised eyebrows, but she didn’t care. They knew she’d missed breakfast. Lunch was supposed to be the biggest meal of the day anyway, right?

She did force herself to stop and surface at one point, though, to let her stomach catch up and tell her whether or not she was full. She noticed that James, sitting to her right, was deep in thought, playing with the food on his plate rather than eating it for once. Finally taking into consideration the fact that it seemed she wasn’t the only one having a bad day, she placed her hand lightly on his back. He ended his introversion to give her his attention.

“You were right,” she told him, nodding at something on his other side. He sent a gander in the direction of her gaze and saw Remus and Penny, heads bent together and faces clouded with ire. They were bickering, something they’d been doing a lot the past few days.

He turned back to his plate, scooping up carrots with his spoon, then dropping them. To her, he said, “They’ll end it amiably; Remus wouldn’t allow anything else. They won’t make it awkward for the group.”

Lily nodded in agreement, still watching them. Was it good or bad that in their two weeks of “dating” she and James had never fought themselves? She didn’t know, and didn’t want to dwell on it.

Across the table she saw Peter muttering to himself as he mashed his carrots for no apparent reason; beside him were Sirius and Matilda, both of whom were absolutely absorbed in a conversation they were having. Matilda threw back her head and laughed, moving her hand from the table and placing it on his arm. Without hesitation, Sirius covered it with one of his own to hold it there. Smiling, eyebrows raised, he continued attempting to convince her of whatever she found laughable.

Lily turned back to her plate and decided she had a little room left for treacle tart. In the past two weeks, she thought, slowly lifting her fork to her mouth, three relationships had formed. One was merely a bud on a tree branch, blossoming with potential; another was going to go down gently, like a leaf landing on the surface of a pond. And the last…

She didn’t know about the last one. It was a complicated, gnarled root in the ground. She was dreading tomorrow night, knowing she would have to make a decision she wasn’t sure she was ready to make. She really liked James—she was strong enough to admit that she should have given him more of a chance before. He was funny, he was handsome, he was smart, he was kind. He was everything that she thought a good man should be. But she didn’t love him.

Or did she?

She didn’t know. She wished her heart could talk to her, tell her what it was feeling. She didn’t trust her mind with the task of choosing, because her mind was still stubbornly stuck in her previous opinion of James: he was an arrogant, macho, womanizing fool who was only after a challenge. In a way, he _was_ all that, but unlike her mind, her heart had learned that there was so much more to him than that. He wasn’t arrogant, he was confident and happy; not macho, but manly and strong and brave; he certainly was no womanizer, despite the rumors and gossip. It was as if she’d unwrapped a parcel, ripped off the ugly brown paper to see the wonderful surprise it hid.

She pondered her situation all afternoon, quietly sitting through classes she hardly paid attention to. She, James, Penny, and Remus were tangled up in their own cerebrations, and Peter was angry for being ignored so much recently. Only Sirius was cheerful, concentrating on the professors’ lectures and answering questions.

Upon leaving their last class, Penny took Lily aside and motioned for the boys to keep walking down the corridor. They did, slowly, with wary expressions on their faces. Penny and Lily followed a ways behind them.

After a moment of silence, Penny said, her voice low so as not to be overheard, “Sirius and Matilda are totally into each other. Congratulations.”

Lily nodded, the corner of her mouth turning up. “Thank you. It’s funny,” she laughed. “Sirius thinks he found her all by himself.”

“I heard some girls talking about them in the loo yesterday. They were green with envy. They said ‘that Fraser bitch’ came out of nowhere.”

“That she did,” Lily conceded seriously, eyebrows raised. “A month ago I would have laughed if someone told me I’d be in a situation like this now.”

She was referring to playing matchmaker for Matilda—Penny knew that, but purposely pretended to think her friend was talking about her deal with James. “Actually, I sort of saw it coming,” she confessed quietly. She turned her head to regard her friend with sobriety. “What are you going to do? Tomorrow’s the last day.”

Lily stared straight ahead. She’d figured this is what Penny had really wanted to talk about. “I keep asking myself just that.”

“Do you love him?”

She sighed and closed her eyes briefly. “I don’t know. I’ve been trying to keep my distance these last few days, trying to give him the hint that I’m backing away. I know he knows it, that he’s intuitive enough to realize what I’m doing, and I think that’s why he’s glum today.”

“I noticed that,” Penny said as she readjusted the strap of her book bag. “He’s probably in denial; he’s convinced himself that you have to have fallen for him.”

“I have fallen for him,” Lily replied, brushing her hair out of her face. “I’m very attracted to him. If he wanted to date for real after this, I wouldn’t say no. But he wants so much more than that.” She paused, pressing her lips together. “As strange as it sounds, he’s a young man who believes he’s found his true love. He wants to marry me, build a life with me, and live happily ever after. And I just don’t think I’m _that_ attracted to him.”

“Maybe tomorrow you should suggest that you two just date normally.”

“I would, but I don’t think he’d accept.” Penny looked at her with dubiety. “I know, that sounds crazy after all he’s done to get me to go out with him, but it would be different after this ordeal. I think he would finally be disillusioned about me. He wouldn’t think it would be worth it if I had proven I didn’t love him as he loves me.”

Penny studied Lily’s impassive face. “Mm. You seem to know a lot about his thought process.”

The redhead shrugged. “He’s not one of those Man of Mystery guys, more Mr. Sensitivity. He’s very open about his thoughts and feelings, at least to a friend in private.”

They watched as the Marauders simultaneously glanced over their shoulders at them.

“Smile at them slyly,” Penny whispered in Lily’s ear, “and make them paranoid.” At the same time, the girls smiled fully, showing all their teeth.

The boys turned around again; Remus and James hunched their shoulders as though in defense. The girls laughed loudly, making sure it carried to them. Then Sirius and Peter hunched their shoulders, too.

“How are things with Remus?” Lily asked curiously after a moment.

It was Penny’s turn to shrug. “Deteriorating. He’s such a nice guy, he really is. But I know he’s lying to me about something. When I broach the subject, he could just say something like, ‘I would rather not discuss it,’ and we’d save it for a rainy day. But instead he turns to stone and gets really defensive, and only makes matters worse.”

“What do you think he’s lying about?” Lily wondered, brows furrowed. She hadn’t imagined Remus to be one to lie. They turned a corner and ascended a flight of stairs, following the Marauders to Gryffindor Tower.

Penny was silent for a moment, considering. She answered the question with one of her own. “Has James ever made Remus sound special?”

“I dunno…not that I can remember. Why?”

“I get the feeling that James, Sirius, and even Peter are constantly protecting him. It’s very subtle, and you don’t notice it unless you’re looking, but they seem to shield him in a way.”

“Remus gets sick a lot. In fact, he was looking awful pale today.”

“Yeah.” Penny was still frowning. “I noticed. Poor immune systems seem to run in his family, too; he’s always going to visit his ailing—or dying, for that matter—relatives.”

“Or pets,” Lily added absently.

Penny snapped her fingers as they rounded another corner and climbed more stairs. “That’s another thing. What’s with their clique-y pet names? They usually don’t use them around other people, but sometimes they let them slip.” She pressed her hand to her head. “What were they…? I can’t remember who’s who, but the names are Padfoot, Moony, Wormtail, and Prongs.” She glanced at her friend expectantly.

“Yeah, I’ve heard them use those,” Lily confirmed. “I never thought they meant anything unique. And I’m pretty sure Sirius is Padfoot. James often calls him that when he talks about him.”

“Padfoot…Sirius. Padfoot…Sirius.” Penny said the names slowly, pronouncing them carefully. “Sirius is a constellation, isn’t it?”

“Canis Major, also called the Dog Star.” Lily’s green eyes lit up. “Dogs have padded feet—paws. Padfoot.”

“Ah _ha_!” Penny exclaimed jubilantly, throwing her arms wide.  The Marauders turned to look at the girls again, along with other students who were on the staircase. “In your face!” the brunette jeered, jabbing her finger in the boys’ direction. To Lily, she murmured, “One down, three to go.”

Lily laughed. Then as if some invisible entity decided she was having too much fun on her bad day, she stumbled, falling face first onto the stone floor. Her heavy bag landed on the back of her head, and there was an audible _crunch_. She cried out in pain.

Distantly, she heard Sirius, James, and Penny all exclaim her name. Her bag was lifted off her almost immediately and she felt Penny’s long, slim fingers gingerly pulling on her arm. Lily brought her hands up to cover her face, and gradually rose to her knees. There was a small puddle of bright red blood on the stone.

Tears trickled from her eyes, but she wasn’t crying. Her body was just reacting to the sharp, sudden pain. Rivets of blood ran down her cheeks beneath her hands.

“Ow,” she said, blinking her vision clear.

Penny was in front of her, examining her face. Soon James and Sirius had knelt on either side of Penny, concern etched in their foreheads. Remus, Peter, and some other witnesses hovered close. 

Penny pried Lily’s blood-smeared hands away. “Let me see,” she commanded gently.

Everyone winced. Those who considered themselves squeamish walked away.

“Ith ih bahd?” Lily asked nasally. Her head was beginning to really hurt.

“Definitely broken,” Penny announced.

Sirius grinned encouragingly. “Madam Pomfrey’ll fix it. Maybe now we can convince her to straighten out that little hump you have.”

Lily glared at him as blood dripped onto her white uniform blouse. “Come on,” James sighed. He put his hands under her arms and helped her to her feet. “I’ll take her to the Infirmary,” he told the others.

“I’ll put your bag on your bed, Lils,” Penny informed her, moving toward the offending object. Lily didn’t dare nod her head, so she gave her friend a thumbs-up. James tossed his own bag to Sirius, who caught it easily and continued on toward the Tower. 

Slipping an arm around his fake girlfriend’s waist, James inquired, “Does it hurt?”

“Ah liddle.”

Portraits gasped and called out with distress as they passed. James smiled at them all, assuring them Lily was all right. They were on the fourth floor, and therefore only had one flight of stairs to descend to reach the Hospital Wing.

In the Infirmary, there was only one bed occupied, and its inhabitant was asleep. After seeing Lily to a bed, James fetched the nurse from her office. Madam Pomfrey bustled out.

“A clean break,” she commented as she scrutinized the injury. She poked it experimentally; Lily jerked away with a grunt. Sitting next to her on the edge of the bed, James rubbed her shoulder.

The nurse decided to give her a little Skele-Gro to mend the nasal bone, which would mean Lily would have to lie in the hospital for several hours. However, the process should be complete in time for her to sleep in her own bed that night. Lily wasn’t looking forward to the pain she would have to endure for results. Madam Pomfrey assured her it wouldn’t be too bad or last more than a few hours because it had so little to do. Before putting on bandages, she wiped off all the blood and smeared a bruise-healing paste over Lily’s nose and cheeks.

“You’ll be good as new soon enough.” With that, the nurse checked on her other patient before ducking back into her office.

James found a wooden chair and placed it as close to the bed as he could. Straddling it, he folded his arms on top of the back and rested his chin on his arms. “I’m sorry this happened to you.”

“Th’all right,” Lily mumbled. “Nah your fauld.”

His lips twitched. “Maybe you shouldn’t talk.”

She sent him a dirty look but didn’t say anything else. Her nose was starting to tingle and she shifted restlessly, anticipating the pain.

“I’ve broken my nose loads of times,” he confided to her, raising a finger to rub the side of the feature. “Mostly playing Quidditch, but sometimes at home, too, fighting with Sirius.” He grinned impishly, rubbing it again. “Used to be a little off-center.”

She tried to smile, but her cheeks were immobile under everything. His grin faded and soon they were sitting in awkward silence, looking anywhere but at each other. Her eyebrows knit as the throb of her pulse reverberated throughout her skull, and the tingles turned to knifelike pricks. 

His hazel eyes came back to her, scanning her condition. “Why don’t I,” he said slowly, “pop upstairs and relay your medical outlook to the others?”

She lifted her right arm marginally and sent him a thumbs-up.

He gained his feet. “Do you want me to bring you anything?”

Flipping her fist, she pointed her thumb downward. She would have requested food and one of the books she’d checked out from the Restricted Section, but didn’t think she would have the appetite or concentration needed to appreciate them for long. James bobbed his head once and left.

When he returned thirty minutes later, Lily was shifting her legs restlessly beneath the stark white sheets of the hospital bed. Her face was so pallid it nearly matched the bandages; her breathing was heavy and her eyes were pinched shut. He could tell she tried to swallow her groans of agony, but she didn’t always manage.

Brow crumpling with helplessness, he pushed the chair away and settled on the edge of the bed. Taking her rigid fist in his own, he pressed his lips to the back of her hand.

“It’ll be over soon, darling Lily,” he murmured, his voice rough with emotion. “You’ll be all right; I’m here.”

________________

“There you are, then,” Madam Pomfrey said kindly, the corners of her lips tipping up. “Right as rain.”

Lily, sitting up in the bed, tentatively raised her hand her to brush her fingertips across the tip of her nose, then up to the bridge. The skin was soft and smooth, unbroken, and straighter than it used to be. She quickly glanced at James, who stood behind the nurse; he smiled and winked. Assured, she threw back the covers. “Thank you, Madam Pomfrey.” 

“Of course, dear. Best get to bed now.”

The Head Boy and Girl left the Infirmary, shoving out of those long double doors. They weren’t headed up to Gryffindor Tower, but to the first floor and the kitchens.

“I am _starving_ ,” Lily intoned passionately, her stride long and quick. She felt her nose again. “Sure it’s all right?”

“It’s simply gorgeous,” he replied with deliberate exaggeration. At her look, he chuckled and added, “Really, Lily, it looks fine. Can’t even tell you broke your nose.”

“It feels straighter.”

“That’s because you expect it to. Your nose was straight to begin with. It looks just the way it’s always been.”

After a moment, she let her arm fall to her side. “I’m taking your word for it.”

“As you should,” he replied lightly. He slung his arm around her shoulders. “What are we doing tomorrow?”

She ducked under it and let it fall to his side. “ _I’m_ not doing anything beyond attending lessons. I don’t know what _you’re_ doing; I’m not your keeper.”

“I believe I have Quidditch practice,” he said thoughtfully, ignoring her and putting his arm back across her shoulders. “Would you meet me after?”

She tensed. “Won’t it be late?”

“It’s late now, but here we are, wandering the corridors by torch light.”

“We are not wandering,” she issued firmly. “We have a specific destination in mind. But all right.” She tried her best to not let him hear the reluctance in her voice. “Where and when?”

“We’ll sneak out of the common room whenever I get there.”

Lily began to resist the urge to snap a salute, then thought, What the hell, and did it anyway. He sent her a wry look, but used his arm to drag her closer to his side.

They tickled the pear and braced themselves for the bombardment of doting house-elves. They were ushered to a seat, which happened to be the end of the mock Slytherin table, where they were urged to place orders of whatever they could possibly be hungry for.

Face stuffed with a sandwich, Lily put a hand over her full mouth and wondered aloud, “Did anyone come to visit me while I was indisposed?”

James swallowed some of his steak and potatoes. “Yeah, they all did, Penny and Sirius a few times. You probably don’t remember anything but the pain.”

She shook her head glumly before taking another bite.

He loaded his fork. “Sirius told me to tell you that somewhere an elephant is missing his nose, and Penny told me to tell you not to listen to Sirius.”

She chuckled and sipped her tea. “Of course.”

“Remus said, ‘Get well,’ which was a little misplaced, but you know what he meant. Peter grumbled something I didn’t understand, but I think he had good intentions.”

“Peter makes my stomach cramp.”

“I know, but he’s harmless.” He gulped butterbeer.

The topic of the freaky little idiot who could barely call himself a Marauder dried her mouth and killed her appetite. Luckily, Lily was nearly finished; she swallowed the last of her sandwich. It stuck in her throat, but she worked it down with the rest of her tea. Excusing a small, ladylike burp, she let the house-elves talk her into one of her favorite chocolate desserts. “I don’t think he likes me,” she confided before closing her eyes savoring the first forkful.

James glanced up, blinked, and stared. The expression on her beautiful face was one of such blissful delight, such ecstatic pleasure, that he suddenly had the urge to kiss her. _Look at me like that_ , he thought longingly. He wanted to plunge his hands into the huge, errant auburn curls that she kept annoyingly tame, hold her still, and ravage her until she couldn’t remember who she was. He wanted her to tell him she loved him as much as he loved her.

She opened her eyes when he didn’t respond. “James.”

Heart beating rapidly, he dropped his gaze and acted like he was focused on eating. “He likes you,” he assured hollowly, and took a moment to chew while his brain labored to recall what they’d been discussing.

“Maybe,” she allowed, but wasn’t at all convinced. Honestly, she really didn’t care much about Peter’s opinion of her. She knew she _should_ care what his friends thought about her, but that didn’t mean she did. It would be a more important factor if he and she were to have a real relationship, but they weren’t. 

She noted his shoulders were slumping more than they had been a minute ago. She was about to inquiry upon his shift in mood when he said, “You’ll have those marks forever.”

He indicated her hand with his fork. She looked down and studied the big, bold X’s on the back of each of her fingers and heard the echo of her own voice saying something to that effect to Penny several days ago. This was the first time he’d mentioned the marks aloud, but she knew they probably bothered him. “They’ll fade eventually.” _Just like your feelings for me. Your delusions._ But she bit her tongue.

His lips pursed briefly, as though he somehow knew what she’d left unsaid, but then he relaxed. His shoulders squared. They finished their meal in what they pretended was a comfortable silence, but both knew, and felt, that it wasn’t.

The trek to Gryffindor Tower also began without words. Lily stole ganders at James, but he seemed entirely preoccupied with his cerebrations. The silence was making her break out in goosebumps, so she sought to fill the lapse with, “Read any good books lately?” She said it was a smile, half meaning for it to be a joke because it was as lame a line as “You enjoying the weather?”

He arched a brow at her. “Nothing in particular. You?”

She wanted to tell him about what she was reading in the books about the Dark Arts she’d checked out from the Restricted Section, but it was a touchy subject with James, and she didn’t want to bring it up. Besides, he didn’t know she was interested. “No, not really.”

“There is one book you’ve been carrying around a lot lately. _The Chronicles of Cornelius Cofferhopper_ or something like that. What’s that about?”

That was the title she used to disguise the Dart Arts books so no one would know what their actual subjects were. She didn’t even know who the hell Cornelius Cofferhopper was. “It’s about Cornelius Cofferhopper, of course.”

He looked at her out of the corner of his eye. “Isn’t it fascinating how he captured garden gnomes so he could study them? He has a theory that if you feed them Brussels sprouts, they’ll grow to four feet tall.”

What did he think she was, stupid? “No, he fed them onions, not Brussels sprouts.”

His brow knit in surprise, but he smoothed his visage within moments of being trumped. “Right, it was onions.”

She let a few quiet seconds tick by. “You have no idea who Cornelius Cofferhopper is, do you?”

“Nope,” he admitted instantly, “no idea.”

There were two things she could do now: one, she could bask in false victory or two, tell him the truth. Waving at a portrait who greeted them, she considered her options. The victory felt nice, but she didn’t know who Cornelius Cofferhopper was any more than he did; she knew he knew she was lying, but he didn’t call her bluff and she felt like a complete know-it-all-but-not-really jerk. She loathed hypocrisy, but loathed being a hypocrite more.

Sighing, she told him, “I don’t know who he is either. The book isn’t about him.”

He waited.

Folding her arms around her stomach defensively, she said, “It’s a ruse. I performed a spell that hid the real title.”

Again he waited for her to say more, but when she didn’t, he asked, his voice a quiet rumble, “What’s the real title?”

“ _Dark Magic—Dark Purposes_.” She bit her lip, anticipating his anger.

Instead, he drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly through his nostrils. He remained calm, and she didn’t understand why. “What is it about?”

Tentatively, she gave him a general synopsis of what she’d read so far. When she finished, he nodded and stared straight ahead, and silence ensued once more. Unconsciously wringing her hands, Lily wondered idly where Filch and his creepy cat Mrs. Norris were.

They stepped onto the staircase that would lead them to the sixth floor. James paused for some reason, and she looked back at him quizzically. Just then the staircase jerked as it swung to the side, and Lily tumbled into her fake boyfriend with a gasp.

He caught her, falling back only one step until he steadied himself against her weight. “Sorry,” she groaned. “I wasn’t paying attention.”

When the staircase slid to a stop, they righted themselves and continued on their way. “I’ve noticed you’re rather accident prone today,” he commented.

“Bad day,” she explained succinctly, her tone flat.

“Why are you interested in the Dark Arts?”

It was so casual she figured she hadn’t heard correctly at first. Then, gathering her courage, she said, “I…I was just curious, is all. I need to know everything.” She attempted a little laugh.

He didn’t even crack a smile.

The day was wearing on her, and she couldn’t find the self-confidence she usually had at the ready. She was drained, she wanted to go to bed, but she knew she should say this. “I’ve been thinking…about what I want to do, I mean, once I leave Hogwarts. At first I thought a teacher, but I really don’t have all the patience needed to deal with a lot of students. Or maybe I’d open my own bookstore on Diagon Alley. But that didn’t excite me either…”

She rubbed her arms to ward off the chill of the stone castle in winter. “Then I realized that I wanted to fight Voldemort however I could. I would feel like I was protecting my family—indirectly, maybe, but it would still count. I’ve been looking into Aurorship, and decided to research what exactly I’d be fighting.”

It seemed to her that he didn’t answer for hours. Really, though, it was only several long seconds. “You want to be an Auror?”

“Yes.”

“So do I.”

What was that supposed to mean? she wondered. “That’s great.”

He didn’t say anything more. It drove her crazy. She wanted him to tell her what he was thinking, how he felt about her decision. Usually he didn’t hesitate to make his opinion known, but for some reason he was holding back from her now.

They reached the Tower and found only a few housemates still awake in the common room. Being the Head Boy and Girl, Lily and James sternly suggested they go to bed soon.

He walked her to the base of the stairs that led to the girls’ dormitories. There, he gently took her by the shoulders and turned her to face him. Leaning down, he pressed his lips to her forehead, then again to her nose, signifying the feature was still kissable no matter what she thought. 

Before she could say anything, he wrapped his arms around her and hugged her tight, fitting their bodies together and holding fast. Because it seemed right, Lily lifted her arms and wound them around his neck. She sensed his need to make the moment important.

His lips moving against her ear, his breath tickling her neck, he whispered, “I love you.”

She exhaled sharply, thrown. She didn’t know what to say; she didn’t believe she could reply in kind just yet. “James,” she breathed, closing her eyes beneath pinched brows.

Dipping his head, he kissed her neck, then pulled away. With a small, sad smile stretching his mouth, he tucked a lock of hair behind her ear and disappeared in the direction of the boys’ dormitories, leaving her standing with her own mouth agape.

Someone coughed deliberately at her back. Having forgotten that she and James hadn’t been alone, she climbed the steps quickly, face flushing. With anger.

How dare he do that? _Tomorrow_ was the time for such proclamations, not _tonight_. What did he think, that by revealing his own emotions he would somehow sway hers to his favor, seducing her into thinking she loved him back? That wasn’t going to work. She had a lot of soul-searching and debating to do, but she’d be _damned_ if she would lose sleep over it.


	9. Chapter Nine

** Author's Note ** ** : **   I know, I know, long time no see. Or no read. You know what I mean. Anyway, I apologize. Life, school, people, same old same old. Everytime I got to a point where I thought, "That's a good place to end this chapter," I kept writing, because I felt so guilty for leaving you guys hanging for so long. *shudders* So, because I kept writing and writing, this is the last chapter. Well, sort of. There has to be an epilogue, of course. Got some ends to tie up. But essentially, everybody is where they need to be now, and it's done. But I'll try my darnedest to get the epilogue out before school starts in August.

Just to clear up some continuity issues ahead of time:  I couldn't remember what color I had originally made Penny's eyes, or if I had ever mentioned them at all. I tried skimming through previous chapters, but I couldn't find mention, so in this chapter, they're brown. Also, while writing this chapter I realized Lily would have had her eighteenth birthday occur during this time if I'd been paying attention to canon. So pretend they all had a big b-day bash, and she's eighteen now, as she should be. Now, if there are any other continuity problems that catch your eye--don't tell me. It's been six months, okay? It's no excuse, but I sometimes forget details. I do my best to make things connect.

As always, review please! Good or bad?

grape-2010

PS - This edited funny, with the different fonts and some gray, some black. But the text is what's important, right? So sorry if it's distracting.

Her mind found sentience, and she lay on her side for a moment listening to the noises of a typical morning in the dormitory of the seventh year Gryffindor girls. Someone had typically lost a sock, another had typically woken up cranky and hungry, someone else groaned with a typical reluctance to rise. For them, it was going to be just another typical day. 

It wasn’t just another day for Lily Evans. Nope. Today was the day she had to decide whether or not she had fallen in l-o-v-e _love_ with James Potter.

Scrunching her newly-healed nose, she opened her eyes. And gasped.

“Morning,” Penny greeted her brightly, her grinning face inches from Lily’s. She was sitting on the floor in her dressing gown, chin perched on the edge of the mattress. “Your nose looks good.”

“Thanks,” Lily breathed, her heart searching for its rhythm.

Penny leaned back abruptly, lip curled. “Morning breath.”

“Sorry.” Lily flipped lazily onto her back and stretched beneath the covers. “Mm.” She saw that two of her dormmates were walking out the door, but the other was still getting dressed. Sitting up, she looked down at Penny. “Why are you down there?”

“Because I wanted to surprise you.” She stood and settled on the bed, crossing her legs. “And I did.”

Lily shoved Penny’s shoulder and almost felled the brunette to the floor. “Don’t start that,” Penny warned, holding up an erect index finger. “I always win the pillow fights.”

Lily rolled her eyes. “You always cheat. Are you going to tell me why you’ve been waiting for me to wake up?”

“Remus and I aren’t together anymore. We decided to break up last night.”

Straightening, red eyebrows dipping in concern, Lily quietly said, “I’m sorry. Are you all right?”

Penny shrugged, shifting her eyes to gaze out the window next to the bed. “I really liked him…but if it wasn’t working, it wasn’t working. We’re still friends, but we’ll both move on relationship-wise.”

Lily lightly touched her friend’s knee. Brown eyes met green. “I’m sorry,” she said again.

This time, Penny stared for a moment, then slowly leaned forward against Lily, who held her tight.

Breakfast promised to be an awkward affair, but wasn’t actually. James had done a complete turnaround; yesterday he’d been glum and depressed, but today he was…bubbly, Lily decided, watching him roar at one of Sirius’s jokes. 

She’d expected Penny and Remus to be at least a little uneasy with each other, but they weren’t. They sat on opposite sides of the table, conversing pleasantly and smiling. It was, as James had predicted, an amiable split.

Matilda, sitting next to Sirius across from Lily, caught her eye and they communicated silently. It took some odd facial expressions, but she finally discerned that the Hufflepuff wanted to talk to Lily soon, one-on-one, but would wait until tomorrow because she knew today Lily had a lot on her mind.

A large hand she recognized only too well snaked over to her plate and stabbed one of her sausage links with a fork. Quickly, she grasped the wrist and squeezed. It froze. Without looking at him, she leaned forward and bit the end of the link. Chewing daintily, she lifted her chin and released his wrist.

Chuckling, James popped the rest of the meat into his mouth.

Lily waited a moment, resisting, but decided she didn’t want to. “Why do you do that? There’s a whole platter of sausages right there.” She indicated it with her hand.

“It wouldn’t be any fun to eat a sausage that wasn’t yours,” he replied impishly, his trademark smirk curling his lips.

“All right then, here.” She moved her two other sausage links onto his plate.

He put them back. “It wouldn’t be any fun to eat your sausages if they weren’t commandeered.”

She turned to face him in exasperation, eyes wide and mouth open. “You,” she said. “Only you.”

He chuckled again, bringing his face close. “Only I,” he agreed, then kissed her. She told herself to ignore the hidden meaning she knew was imbibed in his words.

“Are you guys gonna eat those?” asked Sirius. 

All morning Lily watched her fake boyfriend. He laughed, he joked, he smiled. It seemed nothing could bring him down today. And it looked as though that was how he honestly felt, no acting. She was utterly baffled.

She didn’t know what she was going to do. Within twelve hours she had to make a decision that would probably impact her relationship future significantly. And when she thought about it like that, it seemed so ludicrous she wanted to laugh out loud. She was eighteen years old! Being a witch, she could live for a couple hundred years yet. Why did this matter so much? It shouldn’t. But it did.

At one point she had a crazy urge to find a wildflower and pick off each petal one by one, saying, “I love him… I love him not… I love him…” She was open to any sort of influence right now, just as long as something made up her mind. 

Then she resisted giving herself a well-deserved facesmack. It wasn’t her _mind_ she needed to be consulting, it was her heart. But _it_ wasn’t talking.

She and Penny arrived in the Great Hall for lunch before the other five, so Penny openly nagged, “Have you decided yet?”

“No,” Lily snapped, “I have not decided yet.” Plopping down next to her friend, she buried her face in her arms on the tabletop. Her groan was muffled. “Oh, Pen, what am I going to do?”

“What’s wrong?”asked Matilda as she approached.

Lily heard the concern in her voice and straightened her back. “I’m fine, Matilda,” she sighed.

The Hufflepuff hovered behind her, big brown eyes worried. “She doesn’t know what she feels for James,” Penny informed her. “It’s making her crazy.”

Comprehension dawned on her face. She sat on Lily’s other side. “You don’t love him?”

“That’s what I’m trying to decide,” the redhead mumbled. “Although, the more I hear the word ‘love,’ the more idiotic I feel. My life feels like a bad soap opera lately.” She dimly noticed the blank expressions on their faces. “Never mind. Muggle thing.” She closed her eyes and screwed up her face. “Help me,” she whined.

“This is strange,” Matilda said tentatively after a moment. “I believe we have reversed roles.”

Lily merely groaned.

Suddenly Penny ordered, “Shut up. Here they come. Look hap…normal.”

Though she didn’t turn to see, Lily felt Matilda vacate her seat so presumably James could sit there. She really didn’t want to be near him right now. Vaulting to her feet, she grabbed Matilda’s arm in a death grip. “I need to go to the library. Will you come with me, Matilda?”

The girl was startled at first, then slid a longing gaze toward the food that had just appeared on the shiny platters atop the long table. “Yes, of course,” she responded faintly, sounding not at all enthusiastic. She let Lily drag her to the double doors and out into the Entrance Hall.

But instead of going to the library, Lily urged her to the right and toward the kitchens. Inspired by her and James’s stop there last night, she figured it would be a place apt for discussions. She knew her frequent trips were becoming a bad habit, as students were never supposed to bother the house-elves, because it was selfish and rude and that’s what mealtimes were for. If discovered, she would be shamed in her role as Head Girl. But damn it, she was hungry, and she needed a diversion from her looming dilemma. Ergo, Matilda.

She felt sorry for disturbing the house-elves of the kitchens while they were busy supplying a meal to hundreds of students, but she and Matilda placed their orders and sat down at the end of the mock Slytherin table, trying to stay out of the way.

“What did you want to talk to me about?” Lily asked as soon as they’d made themselves comfortable—which was really quite impossible, knowing they were burdening the poor, scrawny little creatures scampering about the room. She couldn’t get over it, but hardened her heart.

“I just wanted to let you know that everything is going _great_ with Sirius,” Matilda told her, flashing a smile that was about as happy as a boy-fixated, self-conscious sixteen-year-old could get. “We went flying again last night—your nose looks brilliant, by the way—and then we made out in the dark, creepy, freezing cold.” She rubbed her palms over her upper arms, as though remembering the chill; however, there was a blissful expression on her face cast by the memory.“I felt safe, though,” she sighed, “wrapped in his arms.”

For one very brief, very insane moment, Lily was consumed with jealousy. She got a hold of herself, smiling stiffly; she was glad things were working out for Matilda, she just wished they would for her. “That’s wonderful, Matilda.”

“He’s already asked me to go with him to Hogsmeade Valentine’s Day weekend.” Unexpectedly, her 1,000-watt smiled dimmed, and she dropped her eyes to the tabletop.

Lily collected herself, put her own worries at bay, and touched her friend’s hand. “What is it?”

“I…” She paused while the house-elves placed their food in front of them. She didn’t begin to eat, though, but wrung her hands. “I’ve realized that…”

Lily slowly started eating, thinking that maybe her acting casual would put Matilda at ease.

The girl drew in a large breath and finished her thought. “I’ve realized that I won’t want to be with Sirius for long.” She peeked up, biting her lip, to judge her idol’s reaction.

Lily didn’t falter in lifting fork to mouth. “No, of course you don’t.”

“You’re not surprised?” Matilda wondered, eyebrows raised.

“Should I be?”

“After the big deal I made about getting a date—kiss—whatever from him, I assumed—”

“No one stays with Sirius for long, Matilda,” Lily told her simply, still eating.

“This entire time…”

“Casting the hook and reeling him in was something you needed to do for yourself. As…strange as it sounds, Sirius has helped you grow.” She glanced up and gestured at the length of Matilda’s body with her fork. “Look how you’ve changed. No, how you’ve _progressed_.” She focused again on her plate. “Dating Sirius has been a psychological process that’s aiding your immature, adolescent emotions and self-image into mature, adult ones. Ironically, Sirius Black is a step you’re taking to become a better person.”

She paused to swallow, then looked up to study Matilda closely. Softly now, intimately, she continued, “Matilda, you’re going to graduate from here, find a job—career—that you love, find a man you love, marry him, and live happily ever after. One day you’ll look back on these last few weeks and smile, because _you_ made out with Sirius Black, the most sought-after boy in school.”

Matilda stared at her, thinking, lightly touching her neck with her fingertips.

Lily curled one corner of her mouth wryly. “Twenty years from now, Sirius will be just as unmarried as he is today, probably living not too far from James. That’s…” She shrugged. “That’s just who he is. He’s the kind of guy every girl wants to say she made out with once. So now that you have, enjoy him while you can and move on.”

There was silence for a moment. “Wow,” Matilda whispered, before clearing her throat. “What about you?”

“What about me?” Lily went back to work on her food.

Matilda gradually began eating too. “Someday do you want to be able to say you once made out with Sirius Black?”

Lily quickly weighed the pros and cons of the decision she was about to make. Matilda seemed to be in a thoughtful mood, so perhaps that’s how she’d stay. Mentally crossing her fingers, she answered honestly, “I don’t _want_ to, but I can.”

Silence screamed across the table. Gathering her courage, she glanced up. Matilda was agape, fork held halfway to her mouth. “When?” she breathed. She seemed to be more intrigued and stunned than hurt and angry.

“The Tuesday I made the deal with James,” Lily responded meekly, dropping her gaze to her plate where she picked at the food with her fork. “Then after the Quidditch match. I put a stop to it then. Because…well, because of you, and James, and…”

Matilda was still gaping. “Does James know? Penny?”

Lily slowly shook her head. “Just you.”

“Oh my goodness. You have to—”

“No,” she negated instantly. She squeezed her eyes shut. “No. I— Penny would _freak_ out. James…I don’t even _want_ to imagine what James would do.” Dropping her fork, she pressed her hands to her face. She’d lost her appetite. Just one messy, stressful problem after another, she inwardly groaned.

“You need to tell them,” Matilda insisted, leaning forward a little across the table.

Lily leaned forward too, throwing her hands up in the air. “What would I tell James? Say, tonight, during our rendezvous? Hey, guess what, I’ve been snogging your best friend behind your back! Plus, I don’t love—”

She stopped cold, breath held.

Matilda didn’t notice her frozen expression, mistaking it as a loss for words. “Well, don’t say it like that, of course! Be tactful, at least.”

“I don’t love him.” Her tone was flat, dead. She hadn’t moved, though the gears spun in her brain.

Sidetracked, Matilda crumpled her forehead. “You don’t—oh.” Her face smoothed. “Oh, Lily.”

“One problem solved,” she whispered weakly. “Er…” She took few breaths, tried to regain the conversation. “Yeah. Penny would scream at my stupidity, then not speak to me for God knows how long. And James…” She shut her eyes, gently this time. “James would never speak to me again. I would make a complete, utter fool out of him.”

“Oh, Lily,” Matilda reiterated, her tone dismal.

“I’m sorry.”

“Whatever for?”

She opened her eyes, shadowed and bleak. “For snogging the guy I was supposed to be hooking you up with.”

Matilda’s lips pressed together as she contemplated the redhead across from her. “Well, put like that…” Then she shook her head. “I won’t hold it against you. I can’t. You’re suffering for it now, and that’s enough for me.” She reached across the table and took Lily’s hand. “You’re still the best friend I’ve ever had, and though you made a stupid mistake, you’ve just proven you’re human. And a girl, considering the mistake was Sirius Black.”

Lily couldn’t help it. She laughed. “I reckon you don’t think I’m Super Girl Lily Evans anymore.”

“Of course not. You’re Head Girl Lily Evans.”

“Smart arse.”

“I learn something new every day,” Matilda said cheekily. She smiled. “Sirius’s influence. We should probably get to class.”

Lily sobered, realizing what—specifically, who—she would have to face once she left this cozy little haven she’d discovered. “Right.”

Both girls stood and thanked the house-elves profusely for letting them intrude. Before they crossed the threshold back into the heart of the castle, and with it, reality, Matilda put her hands on the older girl’s shoulders. “Remember that you can only do what you can do. And that I love you.”

Touched nearly to tears, Lily put her hands over Matilda’s. “I love you, too. He told me that last night.”

“James?”

Lily nodded. “We had this moment after we came back from the Hospital Wing. He told me he loved me, and when I didn’t—couldn’t—say it back, he looked so sad.”

“You can’t make yourself love him back, Lily. You just can’t. It doesn’t work that way.”

“I know. But I still feel so _guilty_.”

“There’s no help for that. You’ll have to deal with it.”

“Why are there so few win-win situations?”

“Because that’s not the way the world works. And a lot of them are flukes.”

“I hate the world.”

“Many do.”

“I sound like a teenage drama queen.”

“You’re not. Much.”

“We _have_ reversed roles.”

“The rush of power is _amazing_.”

Lily snorted, and Matilda chuckled. They walked out into the corridor, arm in arm, laughing.

Now it was just a waiting game. She actively avoided him now, not always subtly, sitting on the opposite side of the class room or hurrying to her next class so he couldn’t catch up to her in the corridor. She did her best to convince herself she wasn’t running away from him, but was keeping her distance for his own protection. And unfortunately, staying away from James meant staying away from Sirius, which meant staying away from Matilda, who Lily felt was the only person who could understand anything she was feeling right now. She had Penny as a buffer, but she found she couldn’t look in her friend’s face when she knew she was lying by omission.

On the way to their last class of the day, Penny was trying to help her discover a feeling that no longer needed discovering. “You just have to think, Lily, if you like him more than you dislike him. Because even if you love him, there will always be things about him you dislike, but you do need to like more things than you dislike.”

“Penny, really, I’ll figure it out,” Lily insisted in a low tone. Other students milled around them, and every one knew Lily Evans and James Potter were hot topics of speculation these days.

“You probably will,” Penny agreed doggedly. “You always do. I’m just helping you figure it out the _right_ way.”

Another minute, just one, and Lily was going to publicly yank her bloody hair out. “Just stop, please, all right? I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

Unexpectedly, Penny reached out and grabbed a hold of Lily’s sleeve. Yanking her to the side, she pulled the redhead into a girls’ bathroom. She shut and locked the door, spun around. “Myrtle?” she called. When no one answered, she pinned Lily with her eyes and stepped toward her.

“All right, now nobody else is here. Tell me.”

Apprehension seized the very breathe in Lily’s lungs, stopped the heart that beat blood. “Tell you what?” she asked breathlessly.

Penny ran her eyes over her face, lips parted as though astonished; then she leaned back on the soles of her feet and let her shoulders droop. “I’m not sure which is more disappointing—the fact that you won’t tell me, or the fact that you believe you can’t.”

Lily knew then that she couldn’t keep Penny in the dark. She just couldn’t. She sighed, closed her weary eyes. “Oh, Penny, I’m sorry. It’s not that I don’t trust you—”

“Isn’t it?”

“Penny.” She opened her eyes now, sent her friend a sharp look. “Don’t sulk.”

The brunette folded her arms over her chest and physically resisted pouting her lips. “Says the girl who has been whining all day—all _week_.”

Lily threw her hands up in the air, spinning away. “All right! You want to know?” Spun back. “I’ve decided I don’t love James. I don’t know what I’m going to say to him tonight, but I will tell him that we’re done.”

Penny scrutinized her face, her body, everything she was expressing in that moment. She sighed. “Blast. I was hoping you two would live happily ever after.” She raised her arms to run her fingers through her straight black hair, a rare gesture that belied the stress gnawing at her. “What else?”

Lily narrowed her eyes. “You know me too well.”

Penny glared right back. “Damn right I do.”

“You have to promise you won’t yell at me.”

“Oh no.”

“Promise.”

“Nuh-uh.”

“Please.”

“No.”

“Fine,” Lily consented with marked exasperation. She lifted her arms away from her body in a slight shrug. “I…kissed Sirius. Black.” _Who else was named Sirius?_ she criticized herself.

Penny stared. “Uh-huh.”

Lily mentally gulped, decided the bandage was already ripped halfway off. “Twice. Behind James’s back.”

“I see.”

“I didn’t mean to. It just…sort of happened. I was doing research for Matilda’s cause.”

At that, Penny couldn’t help but snort. “That’s one I haven’t heard! Oh, Lily,” she laughed, watching her friend’s face turn crimson. “Why were you afraid to tell me _that_?”

Now, seeing Penny laugh, Lily’s fears seemed to have dissolved. Wondering indeed if they’d been reasonable in the first place, she stuttered, “I…I dunno…”

Penny strived to calm herself, taking deep breaths. “I will say that it’s not good that you did it behind James’s back, considering he loves you and Sirius is his best friend. It’s a nasty little triangle. But are you going to keep kissing Sirius?”

“No.”

“Then what’s it matter? Just pray that if James finds out, it won’t be for a long time, until he’ll only be able to laugh about it. Otherwise there’s nothing you can do about it. Tell James, I suppose, but besides that...it’s of no consequence. Water under the bridge, headed for the ocean.”

“That’s not what my conscience says,” Lily muttered.

“Well,” Penny replied, brow lifted, “your conscience is just going to have to get over it. Like I said, though, you _can_ tell James, if you want to.”

“I should. I definitely should. But…I _really_ don’t want to.”

Penny appraised her with brown eyes. “That’s your choice. I can’t help you with that one anymore than I could help you read your own heart.”

“I know.” Shifting her feet and adjusting her schoolbag, Lily groaned. “Can we go to the Tower now? I just want to sleep for a while. My head hurts.”

Penny wrapped one arm around her shoulders and guided her out of the room.

She shouldn’t have slept. It made the hours pass far too quickly. Before she knew it, _wanted_ to know it, she was waiting with Penny in the common room for the Quidditch team to appear.

“I can’t do this,” she whispered at one point, staring fixedly at the portrait hole. “How am I supposed to do this?”

“You just have to,” Penny replied on a breath. Both their spines snapped straight when the hole opened and in clamored the rosy-cheeked Gryffindor team…minus one.

Lily watched Sirius stop and look around, searching, she knew instinctively, for her. Rising from the couch, she went to him. “Where’s James?”

“Dislocated his shoulder. He’s with Pomfrey; just gotta pop it back in, quick and simple. Maybe swallow a pain killer. He says you can meet him at Lachlan the Lanky in ten.”

“All right. Thanks.” Arms wrapped around her midriff in unconscious self-comfort, she turned to go back to Penny to stew in agony for ten more minutes.

“Lily.” With a hand on her shoulder, Sirius turned her back. “It’s Day Fourteen. I know important decisions will be made.” He dropped his hand, but gazed into her eyes meaningfully. “I just hope they’ll be the right ones.”

“Me, too,” she agreed quietly, gazing back.

With a nod, he skirted her and headed for the boys’ dormitories.

_ But what’s right to me, _ she silently added, _may not be right to you._

Nine minutes later, she arrived at the preappointed statue, and though she couldn’t see James, she heard his footsteps on the flight of stairs leading to the seventh floor. Upon reaching the landing, and thus, her, he smiled and took her into his arms, burying his face in her hair. “I feel like I haven’t seen you all day.”

A blush of guilt worked its way up her neck to her cheeks. “Busy day. How’s your shoulder?”

“Wouldn’t know the difference,” he told her, and, keeping an arm around her shoulders, led her down the seventh floor corridor. They discussed inconsequential things until he stopped her to pace back and forth three times. It was then Lily knew he’d taken her to the same spot where they’d had their urgent, impromptu make-out session. Breath held, she waited to see what he had in store for her this time.

Taking her hand and linking their fingers, James led them into…the exact same room they’d made-out in. Glancing at her, he must have seen the surprise and recognition, and shrugged. “Sentiment.”

A quick visual scan proved her first thought wrong; instead of just a bucket of ice chilling butterbeer, there was also a fancy platter of sweets.

James must have also noticed the change, because he explained, “It’s too late for a meal, and we shouldn’t eat anything heavy this late anyway. So I thought: Nothing’s more romantic than chocolate.” He threw her a grin.

The grin warmed her blood, but the term ‘romantic’ chilled it. It killed her to know that she was going to say no when what he wanted the most was for her to say yes. She wished there was some way they could avoid the pain, and both get what they want. It wasn’t possible, however, when he wanted her but she didn’t want him. If she did continue to casually date him, legitimately, he would eventually want more and she would eventually want different. Again they would come to the crossroads that they had arrived at tonight, as yet unbeknownst to him, and again he would be hurt and she would be guilty. By cutting the cord now, by moving on now, she was saving them the wasted time and effort. And that’s what she had to keep telling herself.

They sat and talked some more about things that didn’t really matter, that gave no insight into what the other was feeling about what was going to happen. The tension was like a big, fat, orange elephant, standing right behind the couch breathing on them through its long trunk, yet when either of them shot a gander to glimpse it, it was gone.

James seemed to want to be able to touch her, not that he constantly was, but that was how close he kept shifting, in some smooth, casual way that befit The James Potter. She, probably not so subtly, tried to deter his attempts to make body-to-body contact, but on such a small couch her efforts were futile. She sensed he was still trying to woo her, trying to charm every last cell in her body as a method of campaigning what he wanted. _Be with me,_ he was saying, _be comfortable with me. I want you to be with me._

The fire was warm, the lighting was dim, and it had been a long, trying day, and she was so tired. Lily found herself lapsing in and out of a daze that would progress to a doze if she didn’t catch herself. Despite that, the sugar and caffeine in the sweets and chocolates and butterbeer had her senses alert. Her brain wanted to sleep, but her nerves were jumping, an odd combination. It only added more tension for her to carry.

Finally, she knew the time had come. He had her wrapped in his arms, tucked into one corner of the couch. He’d been silent for too long, longer than he had been all night. Lily closed her eyes and waited, wondering what on this earth she was going to say.

He cleared his throat, and his arms tightened around her so slightly she wondered if it had been unconscious. “Lily,” he said, and his voice had taken a new pitch, lower and more personal. She was so acutely aware of it right next to her ear, of his breath warming the flesh of her neck and stirring her rich auburn waves. “We had a deal. I believe we were both faithful to it, correct?”

Grateful he couldn’t see her face, she squeezed her eyes shut as guilt swamped her. The angel on her right shoulder had no faith in Lily and screamed at James herself: “No! You’re wrong! She kissed Sirius! She kissed Sirius!”

The devil lounging on her left sent Lily a bemused look. “Did you hear something? Surely no one is telling James something harmless that he’ll never know.”

Because her throat was filled with what she hadn’t the courage to admit, she slowly nodded her head.

“Then the question is…do you love me, Lily?”

Zero hour, she thought. It’s time. “Let go of me, James,” she ordered softly, her voice coarse. He seemed reluctant to comply, but did; she stood from the couch and inch by inch rotated to look down into his eyes. He was watching her warily with a vulnerability that made her uncomfortable. _He_ wasn’t supposed to be the vulnerable one; he was supposed to protect _her_.

“I don’t love you, James,” she uttered abruptly, hardly realizing she’d meant to be so blunt. “I played your game for fourteen days, and I still do not love you.”

He sat, staring, unmoving. She didn’t dare contemplate the chaos of destruction that was his heart at that moment. She didn’t want to contemplate the fact that she herself had destroyed it.

She couldn’t let that hang alone in the air now that she’d said it. “I don’t know what made you think this would work—maybe you didn’t, maybe you just wanted me to act like your girlfriend, I don’t understand what goes on inside that head of yours—but it didn’t work. I will say that I don’t regret the decision I made to participate. I learned that you’re a wonderful guy, funny and caring and attentive. I liked spending time with you. I was wrong to have never given you a chance before, I admit that. But…James, I don’t love you.”

He just continued to sit, stare. Lily began fidgeting, shifting her weight and playing with her fingers, as much because of her sugar rush as wanting desperately to leave. She’d said her piece, and she didn’t want to see the havoc it would wreak.

_ Sirius was right _ , she thought. _Penny was, too._ She’d broken his heart beyond repair. But what had she to _do_? She didn’t _love_ him! She couldn’t trap herself in a relationship she didn’t want! She knew she was being selfish, but sometimes a person had to be in order to find their way out of a bad situation. Sometimes one had to deliberately hurt another, _with_ regret, to unlock the chains and be free.

She didn’t want to be there anymore, didn’t want to be there when reality would set in and his emotions would boil to the surface. Stuttering now, completely discomfited with his vacancy, she said, “I—We—If you wanted, I would be willing to…date…officially. But…I…have to go.”

With that she strode quickly to the door on watery legs.

“Please,” he said abruptly. She halted, body stiff, and heard him move from the couch to stand next to her. Hands placed lightly on her shoulders, he turned her to the side to face him. His gaze roamed her face before his eyes dipped down to her lips. “Just—one last…last…”

Lily knew she shouldn’t, knew she should just turn and leave, in fact run far, far away…but she, too, yearned to taste him just one more time. A parting gift, perhaps, a memory. She tilted her head to the side, lifted her chin, and shut her eyes.

His lips brushed hers lightly. Sighing, she brushed his back. She knew she shouldn’t have done it.

All of a sudden, he gripped her upper arms tightly enough to leave bruises. He lifted her to her toes, hauled her roughly against him. His mouth crushed hers, nipping and sucking frantically in a way that would have been erotic had she not been so tense; her tension, the uncomfortable situation, caused her to fear him. Or rather, to fear his desperation. She knew the sort of extremes that were reached by people who were desperate.

“I love you,” he murmured against her skin. “I love you, I love you, I _love_ you.”

She twisted, trying to free herself from his grasp, but he was too strong. All she could do was turn her face away from his, resisting his contact. “No,” she said, again and again, until the word was thick with frustrated tears.

After a moment, he opened his eyes when his searching lips could not find hers. He saw the tears, the fear, and was ashamed.

“James,” she whispered, and her breathe caught in her throat.

Like her skin was live fire that burned him, he snatched his hands from her. Unsupported, she stumbled back a step or two, sniffling. She lifted her eyes to watch him warily, willing her heart rate to slow.

His expression was one full of misery and sorrow, apology and regret. Mouth open as though he wished to speak, he reached out to her. She dropped her eyes in silent denial. She looked up again in time to see him choke on the words he wanted to say, and flee.

Penny, Sirius, and Matilda were waiting in the Gryffindor Common Room when Lily arrived. All three jumped up from the couch but only Penny came to her, put her hands on her shoulders. She didn’t ask, knowing Lily was aware of her question and would answer how and when she pleased. 

“I told him,” she said simply. Her friend’s fingers squeezed, silently asking, _And?_ “He ran off.” She pulled out of Penny’s grasp and walked beyond her. “I don’t want to talk about it. I’m going to bed.”

“Lily,” Sirius called, giving her pause. She didn’t turn to face him, but listened. “Where’s James?”

Now she turned, brows furrowed. “He left before I did. He didn’t come here?” 

Sirius glanced at Matilda, held close to his side, for concurrence. She shook her head.

Lily was baffled for a moment, then decided she was too emotionally and physically drained to care. She just wanted to sink into oblivion. She shrugged. “Then I don’t know.”

When she had disappeared up the stairs, Sirius looked at Penny. “I have to go find him.” He removed Matilda from his hold, gently urged her toward the brunette. “Take Tilly back, will you?”

“How will you find him, Sirius?” Matilda asked, worry shining in her big eyes while she watched him head for the boys’ dormitories. 

“I have an idea. Go, and be careful. Oh, wait.” He strode back to the girls, leaned down to lay a kiss on Matilda’s forehead. “Sweet dreams,” he murmured with a grin. Then he again made for the stairs, took them two at a time.

With the help of the Marauder’s Map and James’s Invisibility Cloak, Sirius made his way out of the school and onto the grounds. Looking up out of habit, he noted the stage of the waxing moon as clouds passed in front of it. _Soon_ , he thought, remembering how ill Remus had looked today.

He went first to the Whomping Willow, pressed the secret root and let himself down into the passage. Just inside, he flung off the Cloak and laid it there on the ground, along with the Marauder’s Map. Climbing back out before the tree became animate again, he changed into his Animagus form of a great dog with shaggy black hair and began his hunt. He believed, however, just were his query may be.

It pleased him to be assured that he knew James as well as he thought he did. For deep in the Forbidden Forest there was a small break in the trees, not quite large enough to be named a clearing. But in that break was a very old tree stump, literally ancient, that James, upon discovering it with his three best friends, had declared as “The Love Stump.” The reason was that stump was in the shape of a heart. He had vowed that one day he would bring Lily Evans to this spot, sit her down on the stump, kneel before her, and propose marriage. His dream was for her to give her complete acquiescence.

Now, as Sirius approached quietly on his padded feet, following the hoof prints of a stag, he saw James seated on the stump. He was doubled over, head in his hands, rocking back and forth slightly. Moonlight glinted off the glasses that had been laid next to him.

Sirius moved slowly, but tried not to be silent, so James would know someone was there. The crunch of small twigs being crushed underfoot caused James to glance up. He saw who was there, and Sirius saw the wet trails reflecting light off his cheeks. He closed the distance between them, still in Animagus form, and let James embrace him and clutch his fur.

“It didn’t work, Padfoot,” he whispered with a weak, strangled voice. He hiccupped. “She still doesn’t love me.”

Then it was just a matter of waiting out the tears. Sirius had seen James cry before, and James had seen Sirius cry. It didn’t happen often, it took a lot of pain to dig down that deep, but it did happen. They just had to be there for each other; usually that was enough, to know that someone you trusted and loved was there to help you through the hurt.

Sirius wondered if he would ever feel this kind of love for a woman, this all-consuming power of the heart. If he ever did, he hoped it would be reciprocated, because James had been through hell. And however much he wanted to, he couldn’t blame Lily. She couldn’t help what she felt or didn’t feel, and he knew she’d tried to keep some distance the last few days. It wasn’t her fault.

After several minutes James calmed down and focused on regaining a regular breathing pattern. He drew away from Sirius with a clogged nose and bloodshot eyes. Sirius transformed back into a human, taking a seat next to James on the stump, and, with a wave of his wand, conjured a box of tissues for him.

A short silence ensued, during which they simply sat and listened to the noises of the slumbering forest. Then, into the quiet, James muttered, “I don’t know what else to do.”

Sirius sighed. It was a familiar conversation. “Sometimes there’s nothing you can do. She can’t possibly hate you anymore.”

“No,” James agreed. “No, she doesn’t. She told me, just before she started to leave, that if I wanted to date her officially she’d be game.”

Sirius whipped his head to look at him. “Then what the hell are you waiting for?”

James rotated his shoulders. “Won’t it be awkward after this?”

“No! Er, well, maybe a little. Mate, you’ve got to take what you can get at this point.”

“I want her to love me.”

“Oh, bloody hell, James!” Sirius jumped from the stump and faced his friend. “You’re being selfish and unreasonable. You’ve had nearly four years to let your feelings build up. You’ve been in love with her for four _years_ , James! She’s _disliked_ you for four years! If you ever want her to feel anything for you at all—’ello, she wants to date you now!—you have to give her _time_! I know it’s not fair to your feelings, I know you want more straight off, but that’s just the way it works, dunderhead!”

James stared up at him, face in awe. “I never thought about it like that.”

“Well, at least someone has.”

James stood from the stump, too. “I’ll ask her for a study date tomorrow morning at breakfast. And to go with me to Hogsmeade this weekend.”

“That’s it, then! Now, I love you, mate, I honestly do, but can we please go to bed?”

Lily did _not_ want to wake up the next morning. She did _not_ want to face James Potter. She did _not_ want to face everyone when they figured out she and James had broken up. She did _not_ want to go to lessons. She wanted to stay right there in bed, send someone to bring her food—preferably chocolate—and not deal with anybody or their questions.

But she had to.

She lied under the protection of her bedclothes until she was sure it was just Penny left in the room with her. She would have rather been alone completely, but at least Penny knew what had happened, essentially, and knew better than to put into words the questions she held in her eyes.

With great reluctance Lily rose and readied herself for the day, but no matter what she did she felt like everything was different. Her skirt didn’t fit right, neither did her shirt; she couldn’t even marginally straighten her hair, in fact, the curls seemed tighter than they’ve ever been, and therefore the length overall sat higher on her shoulders; her feet were cramped in shoes that were actually a size too big—then, blushing, she realized they were on the wrong feet. But she just didn’t feel comfortable in her own skin today.

Penny was very supportive, linking their arms on the way down to the Great Hall and breakfast. When they reached the Entrance Hall, Lily took several deep, cleansing breaths in attempt to tame the jitters in her stomach. It didn’t work, so she just shoved open the doors.

Students chattered. Dishes clinked. Ghosts floated. Professors supervised. Everything was the same as always.

Penny tugged gently on her arm, and mechanically she moved forward. A classmate saw her and waved. Lily waved back, a stiff smile stretching her lips. 

No one pointed, no one cupped a hand over his or her mouth, no one whispered her name. She kept her eyes sharp, her ears sharp, and let Penny pull her toward their usual spot, where the Marauders and Matilda already sat. Peter, Remus, and James sat on one side, while Sirius and Matilda sat next to each other on the other side. Penny seated herself on Matilda’s right, across from James, and Lily sat beside her. There was an awkward, silent pause. She didn’t dare look at James.

“Has the post come yet?” Penny asked anyone and everyone, her eyes moving from one face to the next. 

“No,” James muttered, poking at a sunny-side-up egg until the yoke spilled out onto his plate, running into crisp strips of bacon. There were dark circles under his blood-shot hazel eyes, and Lily knew he hadn’t slept at all.

“Should any moment, though,” Remus assured as he watched James spill egg-blood. He was alarmingly pale, but he had been for the past several days, so nobody inquired.

Sure enough, owls swooped down from the ceiling minutes later. James received the Daily Prophet, but didn’t even bother to open it, merely set it aside and continued to play with his food. Tentatively, Lily asked, “May I borrow that, James?”

He glanced up as though startled to hear her voice, especially addressing him as it was, and stared blankly at her behind round-rimmed glasses. With a jolt and a blink, he registered her request and quickly passed her the paper. “Thank you,” she murmured quietly, opening it immediately to hide her blush.

Penny poked her head in behind it, too. “I don’t mean to be cliché,” she whispered so as not to be overheard, “but you could cut the tension with a bloody knife.”

“I’m sorry,” Lily apologized without removing her eyes from the text she was pretending to read. “I can’t help that.”

Grumbling, Penny left her friend’s paper-and-ink sanctuary.

The bell eventually rang, signaling that it was time to go to the first lesson of the day. Lily rose, returned the folded paper to James’s hand, and followed Penny out of the Great Hall; but before she had a chance to climb the marble staircase, a familiar hand grasped hers lightly to stay her, then pulled her away from the throng of passing students. Whirling around, she pinned James with a sharp emerald gaze full of curiosity, and perhaps a little apprehension.

“I know we need to get to class,” he commenced, speaking with such haste his words nearly ran together, “but I’d like to ask you out.” He seemed about to say more, then bit his lip and waited, watching her and fidgeting.

“Out? Like on a date?” she asked stupidly, slightly dumbstruck.

Alarm widened his eyes. “Last night you said you would agree to date me for real.”

“I—yes,” she replied slowly, regarding him thoughtfully and relaxing. “Yes, I did say that.”

“You meant it, right? You…I dunno, you weren’t just saying it?”

“No, I meant it. And…” She drew a deep breath. “I would like to go out with you. What will we be doing?”

He took a moment to process her acquiescence, then cleared his throat. “I thought we could just do our homework together in the common room after dinner.” He shrugged and ducked his head, realizing with mortification that those were the most boring date plans he’d ever heard.

Knowing what was running through his mind, Lily smiled. “I’m looking forward to it.” Pecking his cheek with a kiss, she spun and flounced off. “Don’t be late!” she called, laughter in her voice.

He never failed to surprise her. There were so many dimensions and facets to that boy she didn’t think she would ever discover all of them. He could be cocky and arrogant, but he could also be shy and self-conscious, as she had just witnessed. And she did it to him, she realized as she made her way to the location of her first lesson. She was able, without knowing it, to turn the switch inside him that took him from proud show-off to humble servant. Said switch must be in his heart, she decided, because she knew that was where she reigned.

“Sirius.”

“Matilda.”

“You know what I’m going to say.”

“That I do.”

“So I won’t bother saying it.” Matilda turned her head to the side, away from the stars and infinity, touching her cheek to the instant numbing cold of the snow on which they lay atop the Astronomy Tower. The moonlight reflected off the snow, and one could see clear as day. Looking at his strong profile, she moved her hand slightly to clasp his, link their fingers. “It’s been wonderful.”

“ _You_ are wonderful.” Sirius pulled himself onto his left side, supporting his upper body with his elbow. Snowflakes clung to the sleeve of his cloak. He gazed at her with utter sobriety. “I mean that. You are one of the purest people I’ve ever met. Don’t change.”

The corners of her lips turned up. “Easier said than done. Everybody changes.”

“Change for the better, then. Just...I want you to have a good life. You deserve it.”

“So deep,” she murmured, placing her free hand on his cheek, her brow crumpling. “And you don’t?”

“Don’t what?”

“Deserve a good life. You’re a good guy, Sirius. Not a bad one. They don’t matter. Don’t let them matter. You’re above them now.”

She’d known what he was thinking, Sirius realized, blinking.About his parents, his family, and their evil tendencies. Only a few select persons had that ability, and they were those who mattered most to him.

He covered the hand on his cheek with his own. “I love you in my own way, Tilly, and I always will. But that can’t be enough for you.”

“It’s not,” she agreed sincerely, not unkindly. “I’m only sixteen. And I’ll always love you, too. In my own way.”

They were silent a moment, gazing into each other’s eyes. Then Sirius’s lips twitched. “I feel like an idiot, because we sound like we're saying goodbye, but we’re going to see each other at breakfast tomorrow. It’s only Valentine’s Day; we have four months of school left.”

“In a way, we are saying goodbye." She paused, inhaled deeply. "Well, then,” she said with a grin. Hauling herself to her feet, she brushed snow off her cloak. She glanced back down at him, still at his leisure. “I’ll see you at breakfast, Black.”

 


End file.
